Angry at DH for sleeping in every day and ignoring chores

This. What makes him a great dad? Doesn’t get up overnight , doesn’t help with baby in the morning, you did a kit day and felt like a single mum. As a gentle hint, if you feel like a single mum the one day in months you have to go to work, your partner is neither a great partner nor a great dad.

Always reading this on here, I think it just adds weight to the argument that some men don't want kids but have them for their w/p/gf wants one.

I get that impression from the many, many posts on mumsnet as well.

I’d chuck the gaming machine out the window!!

@Kiburi.

Would it work if you wrote out a list & he can just do his jobs after work. He could do cats food & litter, bins for sure before work. But if it’s written down he knows what are his jobs & he can do them as he finds time. Except for feeding cats obviously.

Mine were both sleeping through from 6 weeks so I think you should focus on getting this sorted so it’s not an issue when you are back at work. I was back when first was 4 months so I must admit it was important for me to have this sorted out. I couldn’t manage work after broken sleep & so I did routine from day one.

I don’t think I would be in a rush to have another based on effort & involvement so far. He should be getting up one morning to allow you a lie in, taking baby out sometimes to give you some space & helping with bath.

Can his parents have baby occasionally to give you both a slot to crack on & get house blitzed?

He is kind, honest, makes me feel safe, is a great dad and works hard

you don’t need to tell us why, it’s clear you’d rather bury your head in the sand, atm, but can you have a think about why you wrote that op?

he may well be honest.

but he isn’t kind. Not at all. Kind people do not spend 3 hours gaming per day whilst their loved one struggles. They just don’t. He isn’t kind. So I’m not sure why you wrote that. Did he pretend to be kind when you were dating? Do you fantasise that he’s kind?

he isn’t a good dad. On no planet do ‘goods dads’ make the other parent do every single night waking for 150 nights. They just don’t.

So if he was coddled by his mum, got together with you at 17, and hasn't changed? So you've obviously coddled him too. I hope he can change now, OP, but you should probably start thinking about what you want to do if he doesn't change.

Why do women always say “he’s a great dad” about men they’ve just said do nothing in the house, spend all night gaming, won’t do night wakings and won’t get up in the morning with their child. Won’t support their partner in the household, and actually refused family therapy because he just doesn’t give a shit.

It’s very sad that you actually see him as a great dad, because that’s not a great dad. It just isn’t.

He paid you lip service today. He isn’t going to change, and you’ll be back in 6 months saying the same but worse, because you’ll be working and still doing it all.

Oh god yet another man stuck in adolescence and obsessed with gaming.

Stop parenting him. Let him get himself up in the morning. If he's late, he's late.

Do a detailed list of exactly what you do in the house / childcare.

Share this and tell him when you get back to work these tasks will have to be shared equally.

And decide what will happen if this doesn't happen.

I don’t think many people do chores before work & honestly if you’re home with baby then you can do them during the day surely? I think if you had toddler twins & a newborn then that would be harder to do.

You need to focus on getting baby into a routine so it’s not waking up all night.

I absolutely think he should help out once he’s home from work & I don’t think you should have the responsibility for waking him up of a morning. I also think he should get up one weekend morning & give you a lie in.

It sounds like he wasn’t exactly dynamic pre baby so he presumably thinks it’s ok?

But he is in a household that has needs that need to be met. He is not a sole actor.

'Always struggled with domestic stuff'- translation - He's never had to learn as his mum did it for him. this is why we should encourage our kids from a young age how to do basic things and build it up to more complex as they get older rather than doing everything for them.

He's lazy and selfish. This is what lazy and selfish people do - they wait for others to do their work for them.

Nothing you can do will fix this: lists, counselling, withdrawing your labour, etc. You can grasp that now or wait 10 years and 2 more dc.

Leave him. You will still be doing all the work, but much the daily anger and frustration will disappear. And you will only have to look after your dc, not him as well.

There's the usual reason, you have a child together and he's disengaging as soon as it arrives.
Always reading this on here, I think it just adds weight to the arguement that some men don't want kids but have them for their w/p/gf wants one.
Not sure I would want to stay with someone like him, well, no, tbh I wouldn't as he won't change.

He’s always struggled with anything domestic, putting clean dishes and clothes away has always been an issue. I have to nag nag nag for anything to get done around the house and things only happen when I get properly angry, so I often just end up doing it all myself.

So why have a baby with him when you've known for 15 years this is what he's like?

You were unreasonable expecting a lazy, selfish man who doesn't pull his weight to change.

Do you really think family therapy will get him to change and do chores and pull his weight? Therapy works for people who want change. He doesn't. He's cool with you doing all the work while he goes off to work then games at home.

If you want to stay married, throw money at the problem of your lazy husband. Hire a cleaner, hire a sitter so you can get some sleep, eat off paper plates for a bit, and stop doing household work for him. Don:t wake him up, don't do his laundry, just leave his stuff.

If you don't want to support his dead weight, get your ducks in order to divorce him.

Did he ever live on his own as an adult or did he move straight from his parents' home to in with you?

You don't have to, you are choosing to. And that's fine, other people chose not to. Married or not, male or female.

I'd be telling him it's family therapy or he needs to move out. And be prepared to end it anyway.

Why shouldn’t he need to do chores before going to work? Single people have to do chores before work, after, and even during—why do married men get excused?

Take it from me - get it sorted now or you’ll be 30 years down the line having the exact same argument every few weeks / months as he won’t notice dust, the need to hoover, mop etc.

I even have a ‘Daily Job’ list on the blackboard in the kitchen and they still don’t get done. I have taken to doing mine and leaving the rest - but that only means I have to blitz the place every couple of weeks or I go nuts. Mine is definitely ND and could sleep for Britain.

I would stop waking him though - he has to take responsibility for that and believe me he’ll only be late for work once, as the excuse ‘my wife didn’t wake me’ not only won’t wash but will lead to such nonstop teasing that he will set around 30 alarms at 10 minute intervals. Not that this was how I solved it here. Oh no.

On a serious note, if he won’t go to the therapy session you have more of a problem. You both need to be on the same page and working together to survive you going back to work. I’m not normally one to suggest involving the wider family but would his mother be ‘on side’ and willing to talk to him? My MiL was a godsend and got DH to pull his weight when all else failed and I was working full time with a toddler.

Good luck xx

The YABU votes will be readers who are incredulous that she puts up with it, whilst offering up excuses for him.
op he is..

1. selfish
2. lazy
3. has no respect for you
4. doesn’t care about you

and, you aren’t ‘nagging’ him. None of this is on you.

I don’t think there is anything you can do to change him in to a good person. He isn’t one. Because no good person, ND or not, would sit back playing on their Xbox whilst their supposed loved one runs themselves ragged.

get your ducks in a row for divorce. And in the meantime, cut down on your chores by doing nothing at all that is just for him. Stop doing his laundry is the easy one.

No I meant waking up for work lol

Does it though? I’d much rather do the housework in the evenings

whst does he not make coffee, prepare and eat breakfasts shower? Sleep in a bed?? Of bloody course he should be doing chores before work.

Honestly give him a last warning, write him a list of stuff to be done and if he can’t do it then kick him out. He’s a lazy fk and does what if he works, we all work and have to do stuff. Can’t stick men like this. He has zero respect for you btw.

I don't really understand what it is that is so important to do every single day that you would end up with a long list of chores to share on weekdays. Beyond cooking dinner and doing the dishes.

If you have different standards then you need to find a compromise, because it looks like you want things done your way.

Get a dishwasher if doing the dishes is a problem.

Let him manage his laundry, let him get up in the morning on his own. If he's late, so be it.

Why is it his problem to sort out your KIT days when you're on mat leave? Either he can take the day off, or you need to find a babysitter.

Let him care for his baby when you need help. Just ask him or tell him that you need a few hours and will be gone. You are obviously the main carer during your mat' leave, at some point you need to handover that responsibility.