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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not like being around my toddler but adore my baby

109 replies

kindnessforthewin · 19/10/2025 08:38

I don’t know if this is normal but I’ve felt it for a while. I’ve two boys, my three year old has suspected SEN and the process has started for assessments. Quite challenging but mainly the aspects I find hardest are his shouting, generally very loud, even when talking but definitely screams also, and releases pent up energy. Also he’s become violent, hits me, his dad, his brother, kicks us all too. Demands non stop - snacks, tv, (which he gets very little of), he also refuses to get dressed or do anything we ask. I used to find he would do something quite sweet and balance it out but it’s few and far between now.

DC2 has had a different temperament from the word go, so calm, as a newborn, all the way through and now one year old. I just can’t get enough of him. Tbh I was the same when DC1 was one also, up until 18 months anyway! So I don’t know if it’s just their age and I will be fraught when DC2 is 18 months - 3 years.

Recent examples of challenges - DC1 refusing to get dressed, ran up stairs, DH stopped him and held him while I was trying to put on his jeans, DC1 came crawling up the stairs and was between my legs, DC2 suddenly started windmilling his legs and caught DC1 in face. He was shouted at, put on the naughty step and left to cry. Please gentle parents don’t come at me for this - DH has done far too much ‘I know you’re feeling frustrated but you can’t hit’ one too many instagram reels he’s seen, me thinks.

Came into our room one morning and was demanding DH went to his room to get his milk DH had brought him at 6.15am, when DH refused he was jumping over him and landing in my ribs with his hands which hurt a lot the second time. Then started kicking his Dad. DH quickly took him off the bed and onto the floor where he cried the house down at 7am on a Sunday (poor neighbours as we are terraced housing).

I think we are quite firm, removing him from situations or toys if he’s playing with them, he rarely has snacks from a packet, we do allow screen time on Fridays when he’s home but none during the week and little on weekends as we tend to go out/keep busy. He goes to Nursey Mon-Thurs, they’ve flagged his behaviour as neurodivergent. I had a very traumatic birth with him and his oxygen was cut off so I sometimes wonder if that had an effect. His speech is very good, I’d say he’s been ahead of the curve for speaking and early if not on time for all other milestones. Walking crawling sitting up etc.

I like reading him stories, hearing his latest language leaps which make me laugh as he comes out with all sorts, aside from that I find his demands, refusal to do anything and non stop noise hard to deal with so I feel I don’t like being around him.

I guess I feel extra guilty as any 1:1 time I get with DC2 i cherish. Is it normal to dislike being around your child?

OP posts:
ComfortFoodCafe · 19/10/2025 08:55

He sounds like a challenging toddler to me. Instead of jeans (that are tight and many kids have sensory issues with) could you try joggers? Is it the jeans he doesnt like & therefore kicking off? I think i could just let him chill in his underpants unless going out, pick & choose the fights to make things a little easier.
he may of picked up you prefer the baby to him
and this is where a lot of his behaviour is stemming from so be careful. You really cant afford to have favourites as a parent. You must work on this to have a good relationship with both.

QuirkyHorse · 19/10/2025 08:54

This is a sad read.
Ds1 will absolutely notice that you don't particularly like him and favour ds2.
Have you thought of family therapy to navigate your way through this? Some outside observations and guidance could help.

MumChp · 19/10/2025 08:54

He is 3. Step up. He can read you like an open book if you prefer the baby.

Tiswa · 19/10/2025 08:53

is he a PDA profile?

if he is on a pathway for diagnosis firm parenting for a NT to get through the tricky time isn’t going to help (and even then it is about finding what works and doesn’t and what you fight and what you don’t)

yiu need to access parenting support for guidance on this

SchoolemailEdinburgh · 19/10/2025 08:52

Can't reply fully but have a look at the incredible years course. There is a book also.

Blueberryme · 19/10/2025 08:52

Have you had his hearing tested recently? His speech may be fine but hearing issues can affect behaviour. Don’t think his hearing is fine because he can hear the rustle of a sweet wrapper from the garden - hearing tests cover a very wide range of sounds both high and low.

Possible SEN aside, he may be picking up subtle clues that you have a preference for DC2 and this alone can cause behaviour issues.

Has nursery suggested getting in an Educational Psychologist as a starting point to assess him? When my DS was 3 they did this for us.

kindnessforthewin · 19/10/2025 08:49

@Nescafeneededi actually am surprised nursery flagged him so young when he was two for it. They had someone assess him, he’s been referred. I think if it wasn’t for that I’d accept he is 3. That said the noise levels and disrespect he has is challenging.

OP posts:
Nescafeneeded · 19/10/2025 08:47

What makes you think SEN? He sounds challenging but still typical IYSWIM

Tiswa · 19/10/2025 08:44

So he is on an ND pathway correct? And you are following insta parenting advice for NT children?

Please see professional support including parenting advice on ways to deal with this

get an understanding of general 3 year old behaviour because without the nursery flags and the trauma of his birth a lot sounds fairly normal for 3 year olds

in the stair incident I think you have DC2 and DC1 the wrong way round. That was an accident though and was caused becuase you ended up both trying on the stairs you both created that situation

but no not normal