To not like being around my toddler but adore my baby

My only advice here is to parent the children you have not the ones you wish you had
they are individuals - no two siblings are the same
wrt the stair incident it sounds like you and your husband should have put yourselves on the naughty chair for letting yourselves get into that state - 2 adults wrestling with a child on the stairs - what could possibly go wrong-
learn from it - buy your 3 year old some joggers or even leggings for boys and show him how to try to put them on himself - reward him for that and turn a blind eye to the negative where you can

Also - my babies are now in their late twenties and I think it is perfectly normal to have phases of liking one more that the other. My oldest was an absolute nightmare when number 2 came along and I found it hard. Keep plugging on and making lots of time, attention and affection for DS1 - you’ll get there.

When my 3 year old told me “I don’t like hard trousers, I like soft trousers” I listened to him. From that moment we allowed him to choose his clothes (with help when appropriate). It’s still one of our family sayings.

My DS has autism, ADHD and ODD. He's 12 now and has always been very challenging. You just cannot shout at him, naughty corner never worked when he was younger etc. Of course we do lose our temper with him at times but it always just causes the behaviour to escalate. We remove his screen time for poor behaviour, which does often cause a meltdown. But the only way to deal with his meltdowns is to try and keep calm and keep our distance until he burns himself out.

He's obsessed with thinking we love his sister more than him. It's a very delicate balance between invariably being stern with him, having more rules/structure etc, sanctions for poor behaviour; and making it abundantly clear that they're both loved equally.

Also, he will absolutely not wear jeans. It's either school uniform or joggers.

My middle fella had an absolute aversion to some clothes and he'd fight and argue and lose his mind. He also was like a mountain- there was no persuading or distracting him. For a while I was convinced he must be ND. But in hindsight, he's just different from DC1. So I started taking him shopping to pick out his clothes, and if something was important (to me) like Christmas or a christening or whatever, we'd discuss that he'd need to wear particular things and what compromise we could find, like stretchy chinos, polos instead of shirts etc. He's started school now and he's completely different. But also I've started asking him to do thinks instead of telling him what we're doing.

I think 3 is a hard age, because it's hard to know what they're thinking and they can't articulate whether they don't want to get dressed now, don't want to go out, don't want jeans, or buttons or the colour blue. Or the shoes he wears with jeans or God knows what else goes on in their brains.

TLDR my 7yo was a pain in the arse at 3 but turns out I didn't understand him.

I don't have ND specific advice, but lot's of PPs have already given good advice on this.
I find that when a relationship is difficult that it helps to do lots more of what helps you bond, for a while. So you say you enjoy reading together? Do more of that. Are there other games you could play which use his language skills? And what's he like when you go outside? What about adventure walks, looking for bugs/worms, crayon rubbing paper on trees etc, learning names of trees, challenge him to spot something smooth/blue/noisy etc? Just do lots of anything which enables the two of you to have fun together and this will help your relationship from both your perspectives.

Still jeans are not the greatest of choice and even more so for a ND child due to the restrictive material they are also harder to put on than joggers

those kind of changes are easy

you say you don’t allow packet snacks what snacks do you allow?

I went through a period of enjoying the time with my youngest more than the eldest, now they're 5 and 2.5 it's flipped and the eldest is a joy while the younger one can be very whiney. Maybe you (and I, and probably every other parent!) just find toddler behaviour challenging. I try very hard to remember to view their behaviour through the lens of them having a hard time (because being a toddler is hard and it's age-appropriate to test boundaries and assert themselves) and not interpret it as a flaw in their personality. They will pick up on it if you don't enjoy them and the behaviour will get worse

Have you considered that he might be literally crying out for some nurturing? That he feels your lack of compassionate care? Poor lad.

It is absolutely normal to find a 3 year old annoying in comparison to an adorable baby but you must invest time and affection into your toddler even if you don't feel like it. Maybe he has SEN and maybe the doesn't but he still needs not to feel like the bad one all the time and he still needs to feel loved. If you expend some effort in being very loving towards him you will eventually convince yourself too. It is not OK to visibly prefer the baby. This will damage him.

With the jeans incident he tried to tell you he didn’t want jeans but you didn’t listen and strong armed him and he reacted. And then you punished him. You could have just changed the narrative and asked him what he would like to wear instead.

This is just a snap shot but there is nothing there I’d actually deem as ‘naughty’.

As someone with a Sen daughter (5) diagnosed with autism at 3, and a NT daughter who’s just turned 3 it’s really sad that you will openly say you don’t really like your sen child. Was there any PPD? I get having a sen child is hard at times but they need our love.

Why was he punished for accidentally kicking his brother?

Remember 3 is one of the hardest ages as they are starting to push boundaries and their own independence but can't vocalise properly what they are unhappy about. It gets easier when they reach 4.

Just lots of patience op and be firm with the kicking as that's not acceptable.

He's tree years old, pretty much a baby himself and strange how nursery are flagging things when usually nothing is noticed or acted upon until at school! You need to start being kinder to a baby himself, no shouting, no stupid naughty corners, perhaps if you did those things and don't behave immaturely and expect a three year old to behave like a thirteen year old, you wouldn't see so many 'flags'!!!

Get rid of the jeans. Go for joggers, see if it helps. Try little snacks if he refuses lunch even if its just some cucumber sticks & a sauce to dip. You gotta pick your fights when they have sen. Some you will win, some are not worth fighting that day.

But why put jeans on him to go out? You know he doesn’t like them, he’s telling you that. Stop forcing him into something he finds uncomfortable.

Yes same with both of mine. One mention of “jeans” and its kicking off. Ds9 still doesnt wear clothes in the house he just goes around in his pants & a baggy t shirt hes happy as larry. My other son wont even entertain school uniform complains its to tight & itchy, it has to be joggers & hoodie so much that its written in his ECHP. 😅

@ComfortFoodCafe that is a really good point I hate jeans on young children anyway but any sensory issues would mean it is a no go

DS even at 13 lives in pyjamas in the house due to issues around feeling restricted in clothes. He will wear school uniform because well he has to, hoodies and joggers or shorts and t shirts when out and pyjamas at home

he doesn’t wear jeans!

This. Children are incredibly perceptive. You’re letting him down.