To not like being around my toddler but adore my baby

I think Mother Nature often makes us feel closer to our babies because their needs are greater. I certainly felt generally quite irritated with 2yo DC1 when DC2 was a baby. But part of it was the stress of having 2 very small children - it is hard and I was very very tired.

In my case it was DC2 who was ND. They were always much more demanding than DC1. As a baby, DC2 used to wake up for the date at 4am, at 3yo it was more like 5am. Toddler DC2 also had an incredibly loud voice, to the extend that I thought tbey were hard of hearing (I got them tested and it was actually the opposite).

OP, it will get better.

I agree you need to work out what his triggers could be that can cause the lashing out - he doesn’t seem to like being touched based on the cuddle comment is that the case

@Nearly50omg they aren’t gentle parents they are by the OPs own words firm

My eldest was also very daddy focused for a long time but now he and I are actually closer. Even though it feels hard to be rejected it's not personal, it's part of their individuation process (younger one is also in this phase now although less extreme) and actually shows they're very securely attached to you. Hang in there! In a year or so it will feel like a distant memory (and then you'll go through it all again with #2!)

If you think your child is ND treat them as so. Provide sensory toys, don’t put heavy/uncomfortable fabrics on them, be patient when they are lashing out and continue to have firm boundaries.
My older child would do “naughty” things when he was sensory seeking. Making sure he now has acsess to lots of sensory items helped massively. He really enjoys things he can squish and loves a sensory peanut to bounce/roll on. Snacks can also be great when sensory seeking, crunchy or squishy foods and even the flavours provide sensory for your child.

I understand OP, you're only human. I have a nearly-three year old DD and it's exhausting. Sometimes I prefer to be with my quiet baby DD2, sometimes I like the chaos of my wild DD1. I love them both, but sometimes do enjoy time with one more than the other.

No advice on the behavioural aspect as we are still working that one out too. It does all sound relatively normal for a toddler though. Hopefully with time things will get a little easier.

It's not unprovoked. The provocation might be weird to you. (Mine didn't like warm baths only tepid skin temperature baths)

He was hungry and tired. It wasn't going to go well. You need to reflect on your parenting when things go wrong and what you could do better to avoid painting yourself into a parenting corner.

A firm : "No hitting. It hurts mummy." Is fine.

And plenty of praising behaviour you want. Effusively.

Never compare to anyone else. Compare to his past good behaviour.

I agree I don’t think he can vocalise the discomfort or recognise at the moment the potential for the fact that his issue with getting dressed is how uncomfortable jeans are - he knows getting dressed means he is not as comfy but not that joggers would be better.

the incident with him kicking is on you and your DH. 2 parents on one child on the stairs is dangerous and stupid and the fact that the incident was a kick in the head is lucky. You caused that by placing both of them in a situation you couldn’t control

your firm parenting style is not right for the child you have and you need to adapt it to suits the needs of your children

snacks as well what snack do you have and what don’t you have

Don't put him in jeans. Try softer more comfortable clothing. He might not be able to vocalise the discomfort yet. (If he has a communication disability with sensory difficulties)

Give choices where you can: Do you want to climb into the car seat yourself or me to put you in the car seat? (Note you get your desired outcome. )

Keep him well exercised, fed, watered and rested . Blood sugar dips can make behaviour worse.

Behaviour: prevention. You keep the kids separate.
You position him so he can't kick you (at least as hard.) (or bite or headbutt your face or scratch or hair pull)
Firm "No kicking"
Explain what you are doing.
Use "now next later" (pictures of activities)
You warn him that he is going to get dressed soon after his programme. (Give a choice of clothes) Interrupting something he looks mes is asking for trouble.
You are responsable for helping him regulate his emotions.

Learn his triggers and minimise them.
Watch him and learn when he is getting overwhelmed and stop whatever it is. ( Eg: Shop without him, use less sensory overwhelming shops, shop quickly, plan in advance to reduce shopping learn to manage and be adaptable with what you have. Use home delivery. Ie: some activities need to happen but they can be adapted to meet the needs of his disability)

Remember behaviour is communication. What is he communicating. (He's still very young, still impulsive, still very much now focussed, still not yet realising other people have their own needs and wants)

This.

There are some very helpful resources for parenting neurodivergent children.

The PDA Society has helpful information and parenting advice on their website, and webinars too.

If you look up "low demand parenting" you'll find other resources too.

Dr Naomi Fisher (psychologist) is excellent, she does webinars you have to pay for but they're worth it.

Even "standard" (ie not ND-specific) positive parenting advice can be helpful. The blog ahaparenting and the book "how to talk so little kids will listen" (nb you need the little kids one for a 3yo)

But ultimately the single most important thing you can do, as PPs have said, is tune into your child's needs and what he needs to feel calm, loved and regulated. You need an abundance of patience and you need to pick your battles, I can't emphasise this enough.

(I am the parent of a demand avoidant autistic 8yo, also my oldest child... and a younger one who I think is neurotypical, so I have a lot of experience of this. DC2 has been easier in lots of ways - but has very challenging moments too - but you CANNOT play favourites.)

Why do people ask this? If it has been flagged up by nursery then there will be something there. We don't go for SEN diagnosis for shits and giggles.

But kicking out when overwhelmed or in a sensory overload still isn’t intentional.

I’ve got three ND children and they are all different. Can you get a referral for some parenting courses? Don’t take it as an insult but a way to find practical solutions to working with your child and finding the most calming way to get through situations. I’d also recommend a sensory OT assessment as that information can be invaluable.

It can be hard to parent a ND child but you have the power to educate yourself and get the right resources in place to make it as easy as possible for all of your family.

He's trying to tell you 'get the jeans off me' the only way he can, not a punishable offence.

Also, if hunger is a contributing factor, then why not let him eat snacks. Snacks can be healthy. Why does food have to be a source of power struggles?

I think that you had no idea of how hard parenting anyone past a newborn would be and you've had the children too close together to be able to cope with the workload you grossly underestimated.

To be honest, this was what I was like. I am very ashamed now because ds is lovely but I found him very challenging at 2-3. I don’t think he was ever that bad but I had never had a toddler before and then pregnancy and a new baby in the middle of a challenging time anyway probably didn’t help!

DD is now two and she is easier than ds was aged two in many way: she’s calmer (usually) and definitely neater and cleaner! Her verbal skills are better than DS’s were at this age which helps of course. So while she does have tantrums they aren’t quite as … ah, intense as DS’s were!

It really affected our relationship at one point because I think we were just butting heads all the time.

He is now nearly five and a delight. Still so full of energy but I see it now as bravery, determination and tenuousness. He does things his eight year old cousin can’t. Loves being outdoors and biking, swimming, climbing. He’s great. And I feel so bad I ever thought he wasn’t.

He is still loud (at home anyway, he’s fine at school) and exuberant, he’s well behaved and well mannered, has loads of friends and is interested in the world and we have common ground. He’s still so messy though!

I can understand your need to post for validation of how you feel and for solidarity from others who have perhaps have felt the same but the reality is you need to heed advice to step up and change your behaviour and response to him.

So let him not have trousers on for a bit. Does everything have to be a battle of wills? Why wouldn't your husband just get his drink for him? It takes ages to get my toddler dressed. That's just how they are. Your strict parenting style isn't working. If he is ND then it never will. I am surprised you haven't researched this more. Do you understand what Neurodiversity is?

You literally said that you ask him for a cuddle and he shouts that he wants to watch TV. You said you keep trying to persist with him. That sounds to me like you’re asking him to do something you don’t want to do. A lot of the way you talk seems dismissive of his needs and more focussed on how you want him to be. I see a lot of this in my job - parents complaining about their children’s behaviour when they are very much not in tune with who their children are and what it is that they need to stay calm and regulated.

Sadly this.

Child will end up damaged.

@kindnessforthewin are you taking anything on board here you are the adult handling this badly

He's three. Look at the bigger picture and pick your battles. Little things can kick off big reactions in small children.

Why are you trying to get him to cuddle you if that’s not what he wants? Why are you trying to make him wear jeans? I’d be angry if I was trying to watch TV and someone I didn’t want to hug kept asking for one. Stop trying to push on him what you want and learn to understand him and his needs. I hate jeans. I won’t wear them. If I have that autonomy over my body as an adult, why shouldn’t he just because he’s 3z

I really feel for your DS1. He is only 3. Have you thought about the impact that the arrival of your second DS has had on him? It will have turned his world upside down and he will not have been able to communicate that. 3 is a hard age developmentally. I suggest you really invest some quality time into your DS1 and try to understand his needs and triggers and find ways to work with him. He will absolutely feel that you prefer your second child and again, will not be able to communicate this other than through behaviour. He sounds unhappy.