To not like being around my toddler but adore my baby

He sounds like a three year old.

A three year old is a toddler.

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Not trying to diminish your feelings or potential SEN diagnosis, but I do think part of this is the age gap and juggle of having 2. We have an 11m old and a 3 year old and we have had a huge struggle balancing the needs of them both, DD1 has big feelings an emotions at the moment and acts out more than before (unsurprising with her age & a newish younger sibling). In contrast, DD2 is at a beautiful interactive age where she can be pacified really easily. I think it’s natural for the extremes to be compared!

I don’t think anybody has said for OP to accept being hurt. Just pointing out that the lashing out is due to meltdown and being unable to communicate. OP has been given the advice of keeping words short and to the point and saying not to hurt. People have advised about trying to prevent the situations from reaching the point of DS1 kicking and hitting. Nobody has said that the hitting is okay.

I think you’re getting a really hard time!
A 3 year old is not a toddler (and definitely not a baby as someone else suggested!)
Lots of good ideas here but I think it’s great that you aren’t accepting him hurting you because he has big feelings.

My three year old sounds very similar. We havnt heard anything from nursery about him hitting and kicking there but he unprovoked (in our eyes) hits and kicks us. I only say in our eyes as we have noticed it’s when his little brother is getting attention for something so suspect it’s a bit of jealousy and he’s really pushing our boundaries. The bicycle legs thing is also something he would do.
hes not on any SEN pathway, i had just assumed challenging toddler. He can also be extremely sweet and caring but most of the time pushes the boundaries at the moment, hoping it’s just a phase!

Keeping him comfortable (joggers), not hungry (small snacks with you at all times!), and show him as much love and kindness as you can. Boundaries are great but if he's ND he's been set up to fail.
I would use tv - decent CBeebies stuff - every day to a chance to cuddle up on the sofa with him.
He needs more positive interactions to balance all the negative ones.
I've had one child who was so much more difficult than my second child - I feel a lot of guilt now about not recognising the neurodiversity that was affecting his behaviour. Of course it's going to drive you barmy at times. But try to see the good in him and build up loving interactions.

Poor kid. You don’t like being around him because you’ve a better one now. He’ll know.

I’m going to be direct - he sounds like a normal challenging toddler and I get its tough - but you sound pretty intolerant - he is 3 - do you understand like really understand that?

It sounds very challenging but ultimately he’s going to know you prefer the baby.

as for the kicking thing - why are you getting into a scenario where two of you are wresling a pre schooler on the stairs. Come on now that was never going to end well. And he may have been kicking his legs knowing he shouldn’t but at three he’s not going to understand the consequences of potentially getting his brother. It sounds like you are putting an adults malicious intent on a small child.

Many of us who have been around children all our lives.

Why would you shout at DC1 and put his on the naughty step if DC2 was the one who kicked him in the face (by accident?). Maybe I've misunderstood...

From what you describe, he sounds to me like a strong willed 3yo who has a new baby brother and is struggling with his parents' divided attention (and likely is picking up on the fact you prefer your other child to him). Mine also wouldn't do as she was told, refused to get dressed, etc etc. 3 was the worst for this and she got a lot better as she got older and so did her sibling.

Who does?

OP you are clearly wanting g to lay the blame on your child here for his ‘behaviour’. You really really do need to pause and reflect and look at some of the excellent advice you’ve had here or it is only going to get worse. Your poor boy is struggling and you don’t seem to want to help him. It’s really sad. It’s not too late to fix this but you really need to educate yourself about childhood development and neurodiversity and helping your ds to regulate. This is NOT his fault. He isn’t badly behaved. He is challenging because he can’t communicate his needs yet. He wants to assert his own wants and needs and has someone battling him and entering into a power struggle. You can literally make his life so much easier if you just look at yourself and make some changes.

I’m fairly sure my child is neurotypical. However, she regularly displays the behaviour you’ve mentioned. I’m not saying he’s not (of course) but all of these things are typical for toddlers. Of course, some are all sweetness and light and many have their moments, but it’s really normal to despair at toddler behaviour and have to dig really deep not to get annoyed or take it personally.

For instance, the story about the jumping on the bed… my toddler booted me in the face at 5am while trying to dive headfirst over her dad to demand juice (we introduced juice at bedtime because she had a stomach bug a few nights ago… we are living to regret it). She then screamed ‘juuuuice’ until she settled for water in a ‘special cup’. She does most things on her own terms - dressing, hair brushing, eating….

We have a child at nursery who sounds very similar. The way his father looks at his baby sister is completely different to the way he looks at him- it’s noticeable.

This child’s behaviour is really challenging, and I’m not surprised his parents get fed up if I’m honest, but… I have found that humour helps enormously. He goes to lash out at me, and I grab him for a tickly bear hug- the situation is diffused. He seems to need that firm contact and gets it anyway he can. I suppose it’s finding ways to do that safely.

He also refuses to do most anything he’s asked to, so I ignore (if safe) and carry on talking to the others, praising; offering stickers… he will often quietly creep back into the mix and start doing what I originally asked him to.

It can be really frustrating, but I find the more people lock horns with him, the worse his behaviour becomes, and I’d really like him to get used to feeling happy about getting it right, rather than feeling forced, if that makes sense?

Shocking that you admit this OP! Poor 3 year old you will ruin his mental health forever if you carry on like this. Please dont have any more children.

I would say that it's easy to want to spend time with your youngest, because they are comparatively easier. My daughter is autistic, and when I think back to how much easier she was as a baby Vs the preschool years and now, its clear that she is in a more challenging stage now.

For me, I try and pick my battles. My daughter prefers bare legs, so at home she will wear a top/dress and knickers. Knickers are insisted on by us. She knows that unless it is warm enough, she needs to wear leggings or joggers when out.

I suspect the hitting and kicking are signs of dysregulation. It might be worth reading about sensory profiles/diets as there are certain activities that help ground children to prevent them reaching that stage. Things like swinging on a swing, dragging around heavy objects, throwing themselves down on big pillows... All depends on their specific needs, but if you can find ways for him to direct his energy in a safe way that helps him keep regulated you might see less of that side of things.

Possibly an unpopular opinion, but the screen time jumped out at me as quite restrictive and possibly a battle ground. Could you loosen this a bit, set clear expectations around what he can have and when (we allow watching videos but no games at all for example) and keep it as a routine? If he knows it is coming he may stop demanding it? On that topic as well, strong routine and visual reminders of the routine might be beneficial to him too, so you can refer him to that when he starts to demand to remind him of the routine?

This sounds tough, but hopefully you can find some support to help calm things a little at home.

This made my mouth drop. He's three.
Yes he was fighting you and DH and kicking out but he didn't intentionally kick his brother despite "knowing he was there". He doesn't have the ability to stop himself yet and go "oh since my brother is there, I'll stop meltdowning now".