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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my son is not ‘normal’ and to wonder whether I ought to be doing something about it

136 replies

Northcoastmama · 18/10/2025 22:09

Apologies for the use of the word normal but I couldn’t think how else to phrase it. We adore our little boy and o feel awful even writing f this but it just feels like something is off and o don’t know whether I should be trying to find out what.
For background our son had severe allergies for the first three years of his life and consequently had never been without me until he started pre pre at 3, literally the longest we had been apart was the odd afternoon and even then he would be with his dad. When he started pre pre he ran around screaming and crying and flapping his arms for the first week and the teacher said he definitely had ASD and ADHD, we felt it was much more likely that he was confused and frightened by the change and after the first week he settled down and the leader said it was just a hard transition. He had another year at pre school, his teacher was the Senco for the whole school and had no concerns and he is now in reception, also no concerns. No concerns have ever been flagged by his paediatric team though they do say that the behaviour at pre pre could be a sign of medical trauma showing up as attachment issues.
fast forward to now and I just think there are things that are slightly abnormal. I know ND has different presentations for all children but based on the blanket NHS list of symptoms he doesn’t fit.
things that make me think he isn’t ND
sleeps really well - 12 hours uninterrupted each night
eats brilliantly
no sensory issues
great eye contact and conversation skills
no difficulties with concentration
good executive functioning skills- reminds me of things he needs for school or to email his teacher about a project etc

things that make me think he is maybe ND
very sensitive and emotional particularly if someone else is hurt or sad
didn’t jump until almost four and only just learned to skip and hop at five but has been riding a bike without stabilisers since four and swimming independently since three
prefers the company of adults and older children
very interested borderline obsessed with dinosaurs but does have many other interests and can easily be distracted

things that I think are just odd for a child
has never had a tantrum ever
has never asked for anything in a shop ever
has not made Christmas or birthday lists of things he wants
says very mature things like you’re so thoughtful mummy or you take really good care of people granny

Apologies it’s so long and messy- typing as I try and get my youngest back to sleep. Does this seem normal or odd? Should I be exploring other things? If so what? Any thoughts much appreciated

OP posts:
dizzydizzydizzy · 18/10/2025 22:43

Hmmm.... well I have just been diagnosed with ADHD and I didn't recognize the diagnostic criteria in myself. I found an online screener questionnaire and the results of that pointed strongly to ADHD. My psychiatrist said it was "very obvious" to her that I had it. I can see it now though.

My DC2 has dyslexia, autism and ADHD - all diagnosed after completing A-Levels, between the ages of 18 and 20. DC2 seemed perfectly normal in primary school. From about the age of 12 onwards, they started having a lot of trouble with anxiety. It was really bad in the 6th form.

DC2 was a B student at school. Now with the diagnoses, ADHD medication and a few strategies, they are hitting a 1st in uni.

There are some other common signs you can look for OP. For example a lot of ND people are hypermobile. This is not part of the diagnostic criiteria and you can be hypermobile without being ND. Other things of this ilk are poor coordination, bad handwriting, allergies, gastrointestinal issues (eg. Constipation), picky eater, very sensitive to loud noises, loves certain textures.

Keep a close eye. It's a serious disadvantage to go all through school without an ND diagnosis if you are ND. Make life much more difficult.

Samanabanana · 18/10/2025 22:43

He sounds a lot like our eldest DC (now 9). He was also an only until he was 5. He's a great kid and we have no concerns - and he continues to be a lively, kind and sensitive boy who is thriving. Honestly I wouldn't worry.

BallerinaRadio · 18/10/2025 22:43

One of the worst modern features of parenting is this worry that their kids are 'normal' and are almost looking for labels for their behaviours. The whole system (while not perfect) is designed to pick things up as kids go through it.

Worrying about how 'normal' they are can be so damaging.

Peridoteage · 18/10/2025 22:43

He sounds quite typical to me, nothing you've described would have me worrying at all.

Is he generally a happy little boy?

Hercisback1 · 18/10/2025 22:40

Of course you haven't broken him. You did what was best at the time. He has grown up in quite a unique situation, most children are left with other people before 3. That period of adjusting to being cared for by others, and accepting other people around is going to take time.

I think you need to relax and appreciate him for who he is, not expecting him to be a boisterous boy.

Mandylovescandy · 18/10/2025 22:39

I have an ASD DC and we didn't suspect it and actually only got the diagnosis when exploring sensory issues with CAMHS. Do you have any particular issues with your DC? At the moment it is a few specific struggles for us and low demand parenting is working well. If there is a particular issue then nothing wrong with exploring parenting approaches that are effective for ND children but from your post I can't see that there is anything actually causing him (or you) any problems in his day to day life

Original poster
Northcoastmama · 18/10/2025 22:33

Thank you @BertieBotts for such a kind message and I will have a look for the book. Thank you for all the thoughtful responses, it’s made me feel a bit silly but he had such a hard start with his allergies and he is so different to the boisterous little boys in his class, I just want him to be happy

OP posts:
Original poster
Northcoastmama · 18/10/2025 22:30

@Cloudyberries it was incredibly unprofessional and upsetting as we had never left him so it was hard enough without feeling that he was immediately seen as a problem to her. We did complain but in her defence she owned her mistake and was nothing but wonderful with him for the rest of the year

OP posts:
Glitchymn1 · 18/10/2025 22:30

Mischance · 18/10/2025 22:22

It's not offensive - normal is a term referring to standard expectations. If it did not exist no-one would know if their child had a problem because everything would be normal. And there are plenty of deviations from the norm other than neurodiversity - physical, psychological, endocrine etc. There is no need to assume that neurodiversity is the issue here.

Show quote history

This. ^

BertieBotts · 18/10/2025 22:29

If there's not a problem, then there's not a problem.

Nothing will be diagnosed unless there is evidence of impairment. It's totally possible to be quirky or have traits associated with neurodivergent conditions without there actually being any diagnosis there.

Sounds like he's doing great and you are also doing great so I don't see that gaining information would help you support him - you're already supporting him perfectly well! Smile

Just keep loving him as you always have. I would recommend the book "The Gardener and the Carpenter".

JLou08 · 18/10/2025 22:28

Nothing you have said sounds concerning at all. We all have differences and that's what makes us interesting.

Cloudyberries · 18/10/2025 22:26

"the teacher said he definitely had ASD and ADHD"

This would be a massively unprofessional thing for her to say. Plus teachers are not qualified to diagnose so however convinced she was, she should not be presenting her opinion as fact.

Screening tests are just that - no autistic person hits every indicator. So the fact he sleeps well is not evidence of being NT. But if you've looked at screenings and his scores are not coming out as concerning then I wouldn't worry.

Norry · 18/10/2025 22:26

Ok thanks. Sorry if I missed that in your OP.

He sounds like a bright and thoughtful little boy. Maybe he has learned that compliments are well received and get positive attention, e.g. Granny you're kind.

It's ok if he's not a typical silly, boisterous 5 year old. Not everyone is going to be the same and it sounds like he has a lot of strengths x

doglover90 · 18/10/2025 22:26

Mischance · 18/10/2025 22:22

It's not offensive - normal is a term referring to standard expectations. If it did not exist no-one would know if their child had a problem because everything would be normal. And there are plenty of deviations from the norm other than neurodiversity - physical, psychological, endocrine etc. There is no need to assume that neurodiversity is the issue here.

Show quote history

Abnormal means 'deviating from what is normal or usual, typically in a way that is undesirable or worrying'. So to suggest that ND people are not normal IS offensive, because of the negative connotations of the word abnormal.

Original poster
Northcoastmama · 18/10/2025 22:25

@Onelifeonly yes we absolutely don’t care we just want the best for him but I don’t want to miss anything and feel like I’ve let him down

OP posts:
Original poster
Northcoastmama · 18/10/2025 22:24

@HoppityBun he does just seem quite unusual to us compared to his peers but as you say doesn’t seem to fit a criteria for any condition. I just want to make sure as far as I can that it’s just his personality and there are no underlying issues that we should be supporting with

OP posts:
Onelifeonly · 18/10/2025 22:24

If he is functioning well at home and school it really doesn't matter. He doesn't need a label. And he doesn't necessarily fit one either. I have a family member who is ND in the sense they are 'different'. Probably on the ASD spectrum. Other than the fact they are aware they are not like the majority, they manage life very well, so who cares?

Mischance · 18/10/2025 22:22

Anditstartedagain · 18/10/2025 22:13

Please don’t use the terms normal and abnormal. It’s highly offensive and you know about NT and ND so there is no need.

For now I would just be aware and keep and note of any concerns. It’s after the jump to year 1 when concerns often increase or more ‘behaviours’ can be observed.

It's not offensive - normal is a term referring to standard expectations. If it did not exist no-one would know if their child had a problem because everything would be normal. And there are plenty of deviations from the norm other than neurodiversity - physical, psychological, endocrine etc. There is no need to assume that neurodiversity is the issue here.

Original poster
Northcoastmama · 18/10/2025 22:22

@Hercisback1 this is what worries me tbh. Have we damaged him and can we fix it. Is if something he would grow out of or would he maybe need therapy or some sort

OP posts:
Original poster
Northcoastmama · 18/10/2025 22:21

@Becausemymumtoldmeso he was an only for almost four years and I did wonder if this might play a part, thank you for the reassurance ❤️

OP posts:
HoppityBun · 18/10/2025 22:20

He might be unusual, but it doesn’t read as though he fits a diagnostic standard.

Original poster
Northcoastmama · 18/10/2025 22:19

@amber763 thank you, we think so but we are biased

OP posts:
GelatoForMe · 18/10/2025 22:19

He is just sensitive but clearly NT

Hercisback1 · 18/10/2025 22:19

Wouldn't surprise me if it was attachment related if he literally wasn't away from you for 3 years.

Gratedcamembert · 18/10/2025 22:19

Back to your actual point though. He’s still very little and as long as he’s happy then why not just wait and see how things pan out. If he’s ND then it should become more obvious with time.