AIBU to think my son is not ‘normal’ and to wonder whether I ought to be doing something about it

The lead article on TES this week.
medium

He's an empath. Prob NT.

Honestly he sounds like a delightful little boy with his own quirks which make him who he is.

He sounds lovely, and happy. Some of the characteristics you've described would be fairly typical of a child who has spent more time with adults, and especially one-on-one with primary caregivers. There are fairly adult references to feelings and emotions, and there some things he's come to late that he might normally have learned from or with other children.

Most children I've known have had an obsession or two at this age - dinosaurs are a quite common one.

It feel like you’re trying to stick a label on him because of your expectations of what children should be like.

Just enjoy him for who he is. He doesn’t sound ND in the slightest.

I work with 4 yr olds and so many have quirks, and some are completely bonkers but all within the range of normal. One constantly talks to herself in the mirror and has imaginary pets and friends, one follows me around like a puppy making up random questions that he already knows the answer to, just for attention. A few refuse to speak to me but chat to their friends, one tells lies all the time, another blurts out random sentences out of context which make no sense. But 90% of the time they are regular happy kids. Your kid sounds like he just has a few little issues but is fine.

He doesn't sound at all like my ND kids, I have one of each ADHD and one ASD and it was being picked up from age 2 in both.
Things do present differently for different people and sometimes not picked up until later but from my experience he doesnt fit the bill for either.
People can be eccentric or quirky without being ND, which is wonderful. And i think there is a rush to try and label people that have differences to the 'norm' as ND.
My kids are quirky, but many of their excentricities are not to do with their
SEND diagnosis, they are personality traits and individual preferences. The ND parts of them are obvious actual issues they have with certain tasks, situations and social interactions.
Your son sounds wonderful, just a unique soul.

The next stage ND appears is puberty ime.

Running around flapping is an odd response to stress if he isn't ND. Obsession with dinosaurs is an ND trait. Seeking adults is a strong ND trait too.

It's no biggie if he is ND. Why are you focused on it?

He sounds perfectly fine to me. The borderline obsession with xx (in his case, dinosaurs) is really common (hence the availability of so much merch). My DS was completely obsessed with superheroes and wore a costume every single day (often more than one) until he had to wear a school uniform, and even then the would come home and change into his Batman suit. He’s 16 now and would probably still wear one if he thought he could get away with it!

Honestly my son is 6 and this is him ... other than the obsession is trains! He is extremely emotional. Cannot regulate this at all. He is so affectionate and cuddly and can make eye contact. So grown up conversationally but there is something there that makes me think he just is isnt 'normal'. His teachers know this too and acknowledge he 'has his quirks'. But he is just gorgeous. Everyone loves him for him, including his classmates. Dont worry until you need to. Xx
Edited to say my son has son many quirks that his siblings don't have at all but he's just fine and bloody lovely!

Our autistic DS has been making Christmas lists since August, he loves lists 😂 has a special interest, it's hard to distract him and he's not interested in much other than 3 things.
Sensory issues
Food is fine other than slow when weaning onto food
Sleep is fine
Had no tantrums until 3 (at all, was very passive) then began extreme ones.
Asks for things all the time in shops, gets very attached to things easily
Doesn't flap arms, does tiptoe walk and hop up and down.
At age 9 he's still not settled at school

Your DS could be ND, its impossible to tell online, but it's not striking me as an obvious one, and the medical trauma could explain a lot.

He sounds lovely OP. My youngest is similar in some ways. Very empathetic. He says things you wouldn't expect a 5 year old to say. He likes a lot of the gentler, quieter activities. He is very appreciative of the things people do for him and is vocal about it. Stuff that other kids would take for granted. It is so sweet and I wouldn't change him for the world. He is a little ray of sunshine.
Just enjoy him while he's young and stop worrying.

I think you should trust your gut, you know your son and if you feel that he would benefit from assessment then I would pursue it. At least then you will know either way. The waiting lists are usually very long so by the time you get to the top of the list your son will be older and if there is something then these things tend to become more obvious as they get older. If there are ultimately no issues then you've lost nothing.

@Northcoastmama things that make me think he is maybe ND
very sensitive and emotional particularly if someone else is hurt or sad

Sorry... having empathy and compassion is considered ND now?

He sounds like a nice child.

Sounds perfectly normal to me, as a step parent and grandmother ( oldest grandchild coming 20 youngest is 4 so seen and gone through a lot )

We could perhaps say that DGS ( 19 ) is ND, or we could say - was it really a great Idea to give him a Nintendo aged 4 ( not us - his mother ) and now wonder why hes always locked away in his room attached to his X box and only converses with complete strangers online?

We could say DGD ( 12) IS ND because she's very picky with foods, or we could say she was fine until step dad came along who she's very attached too, who is a fussy eater and now the foods that she loved are now off the menu because she's following "daddy"

We could say the youngest - 4 - is also ND, because he at this moment in time is totaly obsessed with trucks ( the 12 YO was dinos that his age and the eldest Thomas the tank )

Kids are Kids, they are learning. Ive a step daughter and son. She is the eldest and the youngest followed her lead. Only she's a natural left hander, hes right handed, and he was making a right hash of eating and writing while she was the one person he trusted in his life . She was the leader, he the follower - until he decided to spread his wings - now he flies the world in BC, had three homes in Australia - including a riverside apartment in Sydney over looking the opera house and could buy and sell us

Having read the detailed ASD diagnostic criteria, there is one important factor often overlooked when there are concerns about ND; trauma can present with similar symptoms, so ASD shouldn't be diagnosed in people where there is known trauma.

Intending this to be reassuring rather than a criticism, noone puts a child through medical intervention without good cause

You could ask about seeing a pyschologist (rule in / out) or wait and see.

I recognise my own DS in a lot of what you say - he’s now 6 and I’m pretty confident, as are his teachers, that he’s NT. There are some red flags that my DS has that yours doesn’t (and vice versa!) but my DS is absolutely thriving at school and seems extremely happy with life and so, even if there are some ND traits there, they’re not impacting him so that a diagnosis would be of any benefit. We just support his interests/obsessions, try to ensure he has opportunities to work on social skills which are a bit weaker and just have a great time with him. I will also add that I was worried about jumping/hopping etc but as time as time on, I think he just takes after me and is not at all sporty so can’t be bothered!

Sounds like a little gent.

How old is he now?

Why do you think a child would spontaneously write a Christmas list or birthday present list? That behaviour is taught to them, it's not in their DNA.

You could teach a 3 year old to write a letter to the Easter bunny and they would.

All kids are unique but some are just a rarer breed. Usually those kids are gems and their differences should be celebrated and not worry about conforming to an imaginary "normal".

Just try and remember that we are trying to raise a good adult, not a good child. The child bit is temporary and passing. So don't try and get your child to be like other children, because children are generally twats.

He sounds great OP. If he is getting on well in school, making friends, behaving well, just leave him find his way.
The teacher who said "he definitely had ASD and ADHD" sounds unprofessional. It takes ages for psychological professionals to make a firm diagnosis, not just a snapshot in a. classroom.
I don't see an issue with the word 'normal' neither.

My son is 9.
. He is very like your son. I say he’s lived on this planet before. He’s so clever, bright, holds very complex conversations and also has niche likes such as archeology and Greek gods. He also plays sports, and plays out in the street with his friends!

I think there is a major problem with people trying to diagnose or worry when their child doesn’t fit the “norm” not every one has to be the same the world would be a boring place if it was. Just because your child doesn’t behave they the way the world believes is right doesn’t mean anything. He might just be quirky and that’s ok