Page 2 | AIBU to think my son is not ‘normal’ and to wonder whether I ought to be doing something about it

Theroadt · 19/10/2025 08:37

Anditstartedagain · 18/10/2025 22:13

Please don’t use the terms normal and abnormal. It’s highly offensive and you know about NT and ND so there is no need.

For now I would just be aware and keep and note of any concerns. It’s after the jump to year 1 when concerns often increase or more ‘behaviours’ can be observed.

I’d agree 200%. It gives some insight into how you are viewing your son, OP.

Santasbigredbobblehat · 19/10/2025 08:25

I teach reception (and I have a son who is ND).

From what you’ve said your son sounds like a lovely little boy who is sensitive and emotionally aware. I have a boy like him in my class. It’s sometimes societal perceptions of how a boy ‘should’ behave that can cause people to worry, but there’s no typical at that age really. If you are worried chat to his teacher and ask them to pass on your concerns to the SENDCO.

Original poster

Northcoastmama · 19/10/2025 08:23

For those asking about his allergies, they are hugely improved in the sense that he is no longer reacting to the saliva of other children who have consumed his allergens but he is entitled to funding from the LA for someone to discreetly observe him at break and lunch to ensure nothing is accidently ingested. Considering the complete lack of state funding atm this shows how severe his allergies still are but we have come so far and hope they will continue to improve

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Original poster

Northcoastmama · 19/10/2025 08:18

@Esthery yes the empathy started very early, we couldn’t listen to the five little ducks from about 16 months because he was sad about the mother duck being left alone! Your little girl sounds lovely, I think possibly there is a gender element to it, there’s an expectation that boys won’t be sensitive and empathetic in the same way perhaps so I’m possibly internalising that

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METimezone · 19/10/2025 08:16

Northcoastmama · 18/10/2025 22:09

Apologies for the use of the word normal but I couldn’t think how else to phrase it. We adore our little boy and o feel awful even writing f this but it just feels like something is off and o don’t know whether I should be trying to find out what.
For background our son had severe allergies for the first three years of his life and consequently had never been without me until he started pre pre at 3, literally the longest we had been apart was the odd afternoon and even then he would be with his dad. When he started pre pre he ran around screaming and crying and flapping his arms for the first week and the teacher said he definitely had ASD and ADHD, we felt it was much more likely that he was confused and frightened by the change and after the first week he settled down and the leader said it was just a hard transition. He had another year at pre school, his teacher was the Senco for the whole school and had no concerns and he is now in reception, also no concerns. No concerns have ever been flagged by his paediatric team though they do say that the behaviour at pre pre could be a sign of medical trauma showing up as attachment issues.
fast forward to now and I just think there are things that are slightly abnormal. I know ND has different presentations for all children but based on the blanket NHS list of symptoms he doesn’t fit.
things that make me think he isn’t ND
sleeps really well - 12 hours uninterrupted each night
eats brilliantly
no sensory issues
great eye contact and conversation skills
no difficulties with concentration
good executive functioning skills- reminds me of things he needs for school or to email his teacher about a project etc

things that make me think he is maybe ND
very sensitive and emotional particularly if someone else is hurt or sad
didn’t jump until almost four and only just learned to skip and hop at five but has been riding a bike without stabilisers since four and swimming independently since three
prefers the company of adults and older children
very interested borderline obsessed with dinosaurs but does have many other interests and can easily be distracted

things that I think are just odd for a child
has never had a tantrum ever
has never asked for anything in a shop ever
has not made Christmas or birthday lists of things he wants
says very mature things like you’re so thoughtful mummy or you take really good care of people granny

Apologies it’s so long and messy- typing as I try and get my youngest back to sleep. Does this seem normal or odd? Should I be exploring other things? If so what? Any thoughts much appreciated

He sounds very similar to one of mine at that age and we we're both working parents so he was used to daycare!

Honestly, it just sounds like he has...a personality. And a lovely one, at that. The 'abnormalities' you list just sound like a happy, well-adjusted child. What's wrong with us that we now pathologise sweet, well-behaved children and worry that they're not selfish, demanding and thoughtless?!

pumpkinscake · 19/10/2025 08:15

doglover90 · 18/10/2025 22:26

Abnormal means 'deviating from what is normal or usual, typically in a way that is undesirable or worrying'. So to suggest that ND people are not normal IS offensive, because of the negative connotations of the word abnormal.

Show quote history

There's not really much difference beteeen normal/abnormal and typical/divergent in my view. Both are trying to capture the same thing, although i do see that abnormal has become a pejorative term. But generally, as a pp says, if there is no normal/typical, then how do we know when there is a difference that may need attention or support? This was all the OP was trying to capture.

NewHome2026 · 19/10/2025 08:11

He prefers adult company because that’s all he had until he was 3
He has good language skills because he has spent a lot of time with adults who talk to him
Most little boys go through dinosaur phase
He is a kind and empathetic boy - what’s wrong with that?

Please please please stop looking for things that aren’t there. It’s so so harmful.

Esthery · 19/10/2025 08:09

You read as quite anxious about your child: I'd it possible that you have residual issues from the worry of bringing up a child with severe allergies?

You child sounds similar to mind. She us unusually empathetic (Ascribed feelings to teddies very young, looks after other children, is very distressed if anyone else is. The "mature" things you say your son says at 5, she is doing at 2.5!) She hates new staff turning up at her room at nursery, and will ignore or scream at them. During room changes, she suffers a lot if distress and cries and tries to go back to the previous one.

I don't think she has neurodiversity that will need "adjustments" or SENCO involvement. However we'll see how things go.

CuddlyPug · 19/10/2025 08:07

My husband and I and our children are not neurotypical - that's the woke way of saying not " normal". My son who is ADHD and ASD is actually quite quiet and never ran around flapping though as a toddler he was obsessed with Sonic the Hedgehog. None of us have any trouble sleeping. My husband and I have had successful professional careers. My children are still students and I hope they have successful lives too. My oldest son is extremely gifted, very social, very charming. As I like to say nobody got a Nobel Prize for being normal - if you're like everybody else you'll never be exceptional.

SillyQuail · 19/10/2025 08:03

He sounds like my eldest, very sociable but very sensitive and intuitive, easily upset (mine does have epic tantrums unlike yours!) but also experiences a lot of joy/fun in life. No concerns from preschool or doctors so I'm not reall concerned about him - he's an absolute delight to be around and has loads of friends. We have autism in the family on my DH's side though so I wouldn't be entirely surprised if some traits emerge, but at the end of the day he's just who he is and it's my job to help him get along in the world whatever his personality is like. We'll cross that bridge if we come to it!

Imdunfer · 19/10/2025 07:51

You aren't being in any way unreasonable but I voted that you are because your little boy sounds delightful and you really don't need to worry about him. Your reasonable to worry about him but your worth sounds unwarranted. You're a lovely parent.

As an aside, I am ND and I don't find the terms normal and not normal offensive in the slightest. If my behaviour was the norm the world would be in utter chaos!
.

Mamabear0202 · 19/10/2025 07:45

he doesn’t sound like he has ASD to me, but I’m no expert. My now 2 yo wasn’t meeting a lot of markers at 1 and I knew he was unique and possible ASD. Could jump before walking. Delayed speech. Flapping hands, screaming etc.walking on tip toes.

When you first described him, sounded exactly like my boy. But yours has grown out of it, mine never has. He’s 2 soon to be 3, been like it for as long as I can remember.

i know every single ASD person is different but to me it doesn’t sound like he has any of the nuisances. My LO ticks every box. He sounds like an interesting and clever little boy.

Absolutelydonewithit · 19/10/2025 07:44

I think he just sounds like a beautiful sensitive little chap. Nothing to be concerned about I’d say op. Think of the nice gentle adult men you meet. He’ll probably end up being like that.

polkadothorse · 19/10/2025 07:40

An old head on young shoulders.

polkadothorse · 19/10/2025 07:40

He sounds like a lovely little boy. Very emotionally mature.

Shelby2010 · 19/10/2025 07:38

No doubt your son has been shaped by his difficult early years. It sounds like he is very empathetic, so just keep an eye that he isn’t taking on other people’s problems to his own detriment. Otherwise he sounds lovely & if he’s happy, don’t worry!

You say he is no longer an only, I suspect you are now experiencing having a baby that doesn’t have severe allergies. This is bringing home to you how different life can be if your life isn’t controlled by your medical condition. Also don’t minimise the trauma that you have been through yourself, this will also affect your behaviour & thinking. If his allergies are now less severe, be careful you are not transferring that anxiety to something else. Relax & breathe!

waterrat · 19/10/2025 07:35

Op i think the obsession with neurodiversity has led to losing sight of what quirkiness is !

And I am speaking as the parent of an autistic child..who had to overcome misunderstanding of how it can present so yes I do understand your child might be ND

However. Children are all different. We can say oh that kid is like a mini adult..or he is a funny quirky little lad.

Children and adults dont need to fit in neat boxes. He sounds like he may have classic only child traits of being old for his years.

Original poster

Northcoastmama · 19/10/2025 07:33

@Daisymay8 no ND relatives but my brother is very similar to him in a lot of ways and my mum is incredibly sensitive in the same way he is, almost too empathetic to others, she has used this to her advantage in a way - she’s a psychologist

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Original poster

Northcoastmama · 19/10/2025 07:32

@YouCantProveIt thank you for this and I’m sorry about your daughter, I really hope she is doing well now. I think there is something there about them being more mature in some ways as they have experienced things other children haven’t but more immature in others as they have often been overprotected by parents who understandably have a lot of anxiety

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Daisymay8 · 19/10/2025 07:31

Does he have ND relatives - many of these things are inheritable.
I remember a friend who had an Asperger's diagnosed DD (in the day) and also had an uncle who sat in the corner of the room and didn't speak (though held down a job etc)

Original poster

Northcoastmama · 19/10/2025 07:26

Thank you so much for all the messages of reassurance, particularly @Anotherdayanotherpound and others who mentioned in a very kind way that it’s probably more of a me issue. I am hyper vigilant with my son, I had a lot of residual anxiety and trauma from his early years and this probably is impacting my ability to judge properly. I think from reading the responses there are a few which think he may be ND but consensus seems to be normal five year old/ just a bit different/ possibly some trauma from medical interventions. I think based on this feedback I’m going to explore therapy for both of us and try to step away from my own armchair diagnosing. I really appreciate all the replies and everyone’s kindness about my little boy

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Lemintonic · 19/10/2025 07:22

Our ds now 25 was almost exactly the same and we were a little concerned to be honest! He's grown up to be a lovely, kind thoughtful man. He does present with perfectionism and anxiety but dh is very similar so all we can do is be there for him..
Maybe there is a touch of nd in both of them but there has never been, I felt, need for a lengthy diagnosis. DS also had his obsessions when he was small - lining up.his cars, being distraught when we left him, being more worried for others than himself...it's made him a caring and ovely adult with an amazing partner and lots of lovely friends.
He struggled a bit at university but swapped places and courses after his first year which was the making of him.
I'd advise just being there for your ds and seeing how he grows

Anotherdayanotherpound · 19/10/2025 07:14

Northcoastmama · 18/10/2025 22:57

@Wowwee1234 this is what his paediatric team said. He has had so many horrific interventions after anaphylactic reactions and was often held down for bloods and cannulas while he screamed. It was the worst thing I have ever had to do. He was also only ever with me until he started pre pre because his reactions were so unpredictable and we did not feel safe with him in nursery settings which were not able to ban his allergens from the premises. I feel these experiences must have left their mark on him

OP those early years sound very upsetting but in the context I think you did absolutely the right thing for your child by being his ever-reliable constant. It he sounds like an absolutely wonderful and actually very securely attached little boy! If you’re reading a lot about attachment theory, including a lot of the academic research, you might want to step away as it’s often about very disturbed children, which your son clearly isn’t! I went through a very dark time when I was studying this area as it made me paranoid I’d damaged my children. It’s good to be broadly aware of this stuff but don’t get lost in it. FWIW I worried about random stuff for my older child at this age - eg he didn’t have a ‘best friend’ like lots of the other children. He’s now years older and has loads of friends. Please don’t worry you’ve damaged your child. Some of this will be leftover anxiety from the very upsetting events of the early years. You had to be on high alert for him then and you’re probably maintaining that extra-vigilance now. He sounds absolutely lovely and you sound like a brilliant mum

LBFseBrom · 19/10/2025 07:10

verycloakanddaggers · Today 07:05

the teacher said he definitely had ASD and ADHD This is extremely unprofessional.
........
I agree.

OP, at your son's age children show all sorts of traits. They should not be so easily labelled, that is unfair.

In a year he could be quite different.

Mine too was obsessed with different things at times - so was I and so are many children. Some turn into a lifelong interest, others fall by the wayside. What's more they are all annoying at times and can be overly excited. It's normal.

Enjoy him, he sounds lovely.

verycloakanddaggers · 19/10/2025 07:05

the teacher said he definitely had ASD and ADHD This is extremely unprofessional.

You seem overly anxious that you've done or not done something that would impact his development, have you considered talking to someone about that aspect?