AIBU to think my son is not ‘normal’ and to wonder whether I ought to be doing something about it

soupyspoon · 20/10/2025 21:50

Im not sure where this idea comes from that its really really sensitive to cry at disney films or be emotional as a child? Well I was one! I cried at disney films, still do a bit

My mum had to come and collect me from school when infants and we were shown a video about elephants in the jungle and dying (not sure if they were being killed or something) I remember my mum complaining that us kids shouldnt have been showed this at that age, we were quite little. Anyway I was traumatised from it!!

icantwaitforsummer · 20/10/2025 21:45

Sounds very similar to my son. Was very sensitive and would cry at Disney films or charity adverts. Had such good empathy. Was obsessed with trains and dinosaurs could name them all. Never asked for anything in a shop.

Now he is a typical grunty teenager that has asked for a £450 switch 2 for Christmas and isnt afraid to ask!! (He isn’t getting it!) 😂

All sounds fine to me.

soupyspoon · 20/10/2025 21:19

He does sound normal and theres also nothing wrong with the words normal and abnormal. I studied abnormal psychology and psychopathology, it how things are often categorised

His sensitivity may well just be his personality but equally his medical needs created an attachment style which ties into this too. He sounds like he is doing fine and progressing well.

Just relax and enjoy him.

Smallsalt · 20/10/2025 21:13

"""things that I think are just odd for a child
has never had a tantrum ever
has never asked for anything in a shop ever
has not made Christmas or birthday lists of things he wants
says very mature things like you’re so thoughtful mummy or you take really good care of people granny""""

This describes all 3 of mine. Never been a single tantrum in our house. All now normal teens ( and still pretty well balanced and drama free).

UsernameMcUsername · 20/10/2025 21:09

I know this is probably unmumsnet or something, but is he clearly above average in terms of intelligence / academic ability? IME children like that often prefer the company of adults, have huge knowledge regarding their special interests, don't quite gell with peers and are unusually articulate and sensitive. I can think of two friends' sons who fall into this category. They're lovely kids, just a lot smarter than their peers!

Spinmerightroundbaby · 20/10/2025 21:05

Northcoastmama · 18/10/2025 22:09

Apologies for the use of the word normal but I couldn’t think how else to phrase it. We adore our little boy and o feel awful even writing f this but it just feels like something is off and o don’t know whether I should be trying to find out what.
For background our son had severe allergies for the first three years of his life and consequently had never been without me until he started pre pre at 3, literally the longest we had been apart was the odd afternoon and even then he would be with his dad. When he started pre pre he ran around screaming and crying and flapping his arms for the first week and the teacher said he definitely had ASD and ADHD, we felt it was much more likely that he was confused and frightened by the change and after the first week he settled down and the leader said it was just a hard transition. He had another year at pre school, his teacher was the Senco for the whole school and had no concerns and he is now in reception, also no concerns. No concerns have ever been flagged by his paediatric team though they do say that the behaviour at pre pre could be a sign of medical trauma showing up as attachment issues.
fast forward to now and I just think there are things that are slightly abnormal. I know ND has different presentations for all children but based on the blanket NHS list of symptoms he doesn’t fit.
things that make me think he isn’t ND
sleeps really well - 12 hours uninterrupted each night
eats brilliantly
no sensory issues
great eye contact and conversation skills
no difficulties with concentration
good executive functioning skills- reminds me of things he needs for school or to email his teacher about a project etc

things that make me think he is maybe ND
very sensitive and emotional particularly if someone else is hurt or sad
didn’t jump until almost four and only just learned to skip and hop at five but has been riding a bike without stabilisers since four and swimming independently since three
prefers the company of adults and older children
very interested borderline obsessed with dinosaurs but does have many other interests and can easily be distracted

things that I think are just odd for a child
has never had a tantrum ever
has never asked for anything in a shop ever
has not made Christmas or birthday lists of things he wants
says very mature things like you’re so thoughtful mummy or you take really good care of people granny

Apologies it’s so long and messy- typing as I try and get my youngest back to sleep. Does this seem normal or odd? Should I be exploring other things? If so what? Any thoughts much appreciated

Honestly? He’s an individual. I believe we all have our quirks and something which makes us different. It doesn’t sound as though his issues are impairing his ability to function on a day to day basis or that his school has concerns about his behaviour. Just enjoy him, appreciate his sensitivity and easygoing nature. In terms of tantrums? That could come later. Some children experience this later on, some experience it later. Other children experience emotions intensely but not as a tantrum.

itsallsohard · 20/10/2025 20:58

apologies, haven't RTFT, but does he have friends among his age group? In the end if he's a bit on spectrum or whatever that could be an actual bonus, as long as he is also able to socialise enough to be happy.

Crapola25 · 20/10/2025 20:28

He sounds completely normal. My son has ASD and its really obvious to me - not so much to anyone else. But I'm sure you would know. Everything you have described sounds NT. I do think it was completely inappropriate for his teacher to say he had asd/adhd in his first week when she is not in that position to make that kind of diagnosis - I would have complained about that.

Wildefish · 20/10/2025 19:53

Northcoastmama · 18/10/2025 22:09

Apologies for the use of the word normal but I couldn’t think how else to phrase it. We adore our little boy and o feel awful even writing f this but it just feels like something is off and o don’t know whether I should be trying to find out what.
For background our son had severe allergies for the first three years of his life and consequently had never been without me until he started pre pre at 3, literally the longest we had been apart was the odd afternoon and even then he would be with his dad. When he started pre pre he ran around screaming and crying and flapping his arms for the first week and the teacher said he definitely had ASD and ADHD, we felt it was much more likely that he was confused and frightened by the change and after the first week he settled down and the leader said it was just a hard transition. He had another year at pre school, his teacher was the Senco for the whole school and had no concerns and he is now in reception, also no concerns. No concerns have ever been flagged by his paediatric team though they do say that the behaviour at pre pre could be a sign of medical trauma showing up as attachment issues.
fast forward to now and I just think there are things that are slightly abnormal. I know ND has different presentations for all children but based on the blanket NHS list of symptoms he doesn’t fit.
things that make me think he isn’t ND
sleeps really well - 12 hours uninterrupted each night
eats brilliantly
no sensory issues
great eye contact and conversation skills
no difficulties with concentration
good executive functioning skills- reminds me of things he needs for school or to email his teacher about a project etc

things that make me think he is maybe ND
very sensitive and emotional particularly if someone else is hurt or sad
didn’t jump until almost four and only just learned to skip and hop at five but has been riding a bike without stabilisers since four and swimming independently since three
prefers the company of adults and older children
very interested borderline obsessed with dinosaurs but does have many other interests and can easily be distracted

things that I think are just odd for a child
has never had a tantrum ever
has never asked for anything in a shop ever
has not made Christmas or birthday lists of things he wants
says very mature things like you’re so thoughtful mummy or you take really good care of people granny

Apologies it’s so long and messy- typing as I try and get my youngest back to sleep. Does this seem normal or odd? Should I be exploring other things? If so what? Any thoughts much appreciated

Look up the sensitive child. He sounds adorable.

Gruffporcupine · 20/10/2025 18:49

Sounds just like DNephew. He has very mild tourettes and flaps, but has settled down and is a happy, albeit sometimes anxious, little chappy

Lollipop81 · 20/10/2025 18:45

The fact you have written this makes me think you know he is ND and are possibly in denial. I couldn’t possibly diagnose from the information given I am not a professional I am simply going off the fact you have written this and have doubts.
I didn’t ‘know’ my son had asd until last Christmas (when he was 6) and he got poorly and refused to eat, his anxiety came from nowhere. My lovely little boy who always used to sleep for 12 hours straight was so anxious he wouldn’t sleep until midnight some nights. Then it slowly started to dawn on me, little things, that he has ASD. Looking back I’d known since he was around 3 and didn’t make friends the way others did, I even said to his father a few times I’m sure he has ASD then dismissed it. I raised the friend thing at parents evening and was repeatedly told he was fine. His eye contact is fine, he loves to talking to adults and he is very calm but that is his way.
His teachers didn’t spot it until I raised it and now he has been referred. However, it has become clear since that other people did spot it, one in particular said it was obvious. So I guess I was in denial, either that or I just saw my lovely little boy (still do) not a label, and as he was my first I didn’t have another child to compare him to. It’s taking me time to come to terms with it, mostly because I worry about him being a target for bullies, or suffering in adult life although we are lucky in that he will most likely be able to live independently.
But whether your little boy is or isn’t I promise you it makes no difference they are still the same person they were before you realised and he sounds like an amazing little boy. I hope it all works out for you whatever the outcome.

PhotoFirePoet · 20/10/2025 18:32

It sounds like you may have an INFJ personality child. Speaking as an adult INFJ 😊

Original poster

Northcoastmama · 19/10/2025 19:58

@GottaBeStrong thank you for this, I’ve done some reading and can see that the emotional side can be attributed to trauma, will definitely look into play therapy
@GloriousRain so this was his first ever experience of being with other adults at three in a pre pre setting so not a class teacher more of a room leader/early years leader I guess. She was very overwrought when she spoke to me and was almost aggressive in her assertion that he definitely had adhd and autism. It was horrrendous because I was already struggling so much to let someone else take care of him so to hear this which we really didn’t think was the case and so early on was really shocking. We complained and she apologised but then after he (quite quickly) settled she really turned it around and was so lovely with him and by the end of year was singing his praises so we did kind of let it go though I still feel quite angry

OP posts:

GloriousRain · 19/10/2025 19:53

Northcoastmama · 18/10/2025 22:09

Apologies for the use of the word normal but I couldn’t think how else to phrase it. We adore our little boy and o feel awful even writing f this but it just feels like something is off and o don’t know whether I should be trying to find out what.
For background our son had severe allergies for the first three years of his life and consequently had never been without me until he started pre pre at 3, literally the longest we had been apart was the odd afternoon and even then he would be with his dad. When he started pre pre he ran around screaming and crying and flapping his arms for the first week and the teacher said he definitely had ASD and ADHD, we felt it was much more likely that he was confused and frightened by the change and after the first week he settled down and the leader said it was just a hard transition. He had another year at pre school, his teacher was the Senco for the whole school and had no concerns and he is now in reception, also no concerns. No concerns have ever been flagged by his paediatric team though they do say that the behaviour at pre pre could be a sign of medical trauma showing up as attachment issues.
fast forward to now and I just think there are things that are slightly abnormal. I know ND has different presentations for all children but based on the blanket NHS list of symptoms he doesn’t fit.
things that make me think he isn’t ND
sleeps really well - 12 hours uninterrupted each night
eats brilliantly
no sensory issues
great eye contact and conversation skills
no difficulties with concentration
good executive functioning skills- reminds me of things he needs for school or to email his teacher about a project etc

things that make me think he is maybe ND
very sensitive and emotional particularly if someone else is hurt or sad
didn’t jump until almost four and only just learned to skip and hop at five but has been riding a bike without stabilisers since four and swimming independently since three
prefers the company of adults and older children
very interested borderline obsessed with dinosaurs but does have many other interests and can easily be distracted

things that I think are just odd for a child
has never had a tantrum ever
has never asked for anything in a shop ever
has not made Christmas or birthday lists of things he wants
says very mature things like you’re so thoughtful mummy or you take really good care of people granny

Apologies it’s so long and messy- typing as I try and get my youngest back to sleep. Does this seem normal or odd? Should I be exploring other things? If so what? Any thoughts much appreciated

Lots of posts responding to this but I don’t see this addressed so I will ask, have you raised the issue of his teacher stating he ‘definitely has adhd and asd’ after a week of him being there because that really, really shouldn’t have happened, for many reasons.

GottaBeStrong · 19/10/2025 19:49

Northcoastmama · 18/10/2025 22:22

@Hercisback1 this is what worries me tbh. Have we damaged him and can we fix it. Is if something he would grow out of or would he maybe need therapy or some sort

My daughter has developmental trauma. She displays to anyone who doesn't know about trauma as if she has ADHD with autistic traits.

I don't think your son sounds particularly traumatised now, but that's not to say he wasn't when he was 3 or that something might not trigger symptoms in the future.

I would recommend a course of (private) play therapy and see what the therapist says. Going to therapy can be helpful in general as it gives children a safe space to explore and express emotions and things going on in their life at school and home etc.

Imdunfer · 19/10/2025 14:37

Fedup360 · 19/10/2025 08:49

The use of normal and abnormal is actually so offensive.

That's your choice to be offended. The term is not inherently offensive and as an ND person I'm not remotely offended by it.

Mamabear0202 · 19/10/2025 10:03

@Molko1503 the way you describe your children is beautiful. I can hear the pride and they sound like a joy.

It touched me because my LO is ASD, there’s so many things he does. He’s finally getting referred because he’s just about to turn 3. He’s been rejected purely because of age, sadly, when it’s evident he’s on the spectrum.

He also does a number of things your children do. I’m convinced he has a photographic memory, he knows the route to anywhere. If I say we are going to soft play, or the park, or the zoo, but deviate in any way (eg to get petrol) he gets upset and I have to explain we are just going x first.

He also gets really emotional around melancholic music. He almost cried at Adele (don’t blame him). He’s non verbal but expresses himself in so many other ways.

I just wanted to say it sounds like you’re doing an amazing job mama.

ELO10538 · 19/10/2025 09:33

very interested borderline obsessed with dinosaurs

Never known a child that wasn't.

ApplebyArrows · 19/10/2025 09:17

"Neurotypical" is just a scientific Greek way of saying "has a normal brain". Terms don't magically change how offensive they are because you've translated them into another language!

MrsDoubtfire1 · 19/10/2025 09:00

Is he an only? Get him out there trying all sorts of things, swimming, football, art, music, karate etc. See what is his 'thing'. He may be an artist in the making. He sounds to me like a typical only child with very strong arty tendencies. They don't seem to fit into this modern labelling because they are individuals. They are the poets of the future. Sadly, our modern society has our kids jumping through allotted hoops before they can walk. I know a child who was a complete enigma at school who turned into the most beautiful and successful person who is now heading a leading government department with all sorts of high academic successes and has turned into the most amazing adult way ahead of their peers from school who have already bungled their lives through stupid choices. Stick with him, encourage him, and stop comparing him to his peers. A child does not really emerge much before 7 when their abstract thinking starts. Fill the next three years with as many 'safe' experiences as you can and you will be doing him the best favour. Be his champion, stand up for him in every circumstances. The rest of the world is not right, you are right doing what is right by him.

BufferingAgain · 19/10/2025 08:53

He doesn’t sound like he has any problems. There’s no one cooker cutter person that represents normality.

TroysMammy · 19/10/2025 08:53

He sounds like a delightful child. I'm childless by choice and was glad I had a niece but I imagine he would be lovely company and a pleasure to be around.

I'm sure if Argos still did a catalogue he would happily make a Christmas list.

UnhappyHobbit · 19/10/2025 08:53

Kindly, I think he needs a bit of acceptance from you in all honesty. He is who he is and you need to stop looking for problems that are not there.

Fedup360 · 19/10/2025 08:49

The use of normal and abnormal is actually so offensive.

Itstoday · 19/10/2025 08:41

Northcoastmama · 18/10/2025 22:57

@Wowwee1234 this is what his paediatric team said. He has had so many horrific interventions after anaphylactic reactions and was often held down for bloods and cannulas while he screamed. It was the worst thing I have ever had to do. He was also only ever with me until he started pre pre because his reactions were so unpredictable and we did not feel safe with him in nursery settings which were not able to ban his allergens from the premises. I feel these experiences must have left their mark on him

These experiences will have left there mark on him, they can't not. But that will be in both ways that will feel hard and ways that will be wonderful. Maybe he is empathetic because he understands in his core what it is to be scared and he knows what it is to have someone loving (you) next to him to help. What an amazing young boy he is to know this and for his experience to not be turned in towards bitterness but out towards compassion.
His experiences are his experiences, you can't change that, but you can help him make sense of them in a way that benefits him.

But also you went through this trauma with him. You also hold it in you and I wonder if it is your own trauma lens which is panicking about what you are seeing in your son.

have you had support with your trauma? That might be worth doing and then through your own understanding of trauma you might understand your son better?

Wishing you all the best.