For crying age 50 as I feel left out! Help me toughen up?

But she’s never once invited them to anything, isn’t thay hurtful and upsetting to them, the fact that she takes and takes of their hospitality but never thinks to give back? They can’t just keep giving and giving and giving. At some point when you realise someone isn’t giving the same back, or even anything back you’d be a fool to keep going. And the excuse of she’s busy with a lot on, is fine, we all get it, but I don’t know one person who doesn’t have a lot of shit going on. All different sure, but people make the effort to organise stuff, invite people, and these people were kind enough to do so and make the effort for her, she just never bothered doing the same back/

no one is entitled to a life time of hospitality. And then proclaiming it’s hurtful when it stops and they are mean women. Not if you don’t bother ever reciprocating. If you don’t bother, then it’s on you. No one should be mug enough to keep on in a one sided relationship.

Sorry op but I agree with this. You do sound like a thoughtful person but I think you are being a bit self absorbed about what others might be dealing with. You say you have a lot to deal with but you seem to think they dont.

When you get to age 40s and above it's extremely rare not to be busy AF and have a whole load on your shoulders- kids, family responsibilities- care of ageing parents, peri menopause or menopause creeping up, job stress, etc

You say you put on a brave face and dont have any headspace, but this applies to them too surely. Of the women I know, there isnt a single one who is sitting at home twiddling her thumbs bored of her super easy life - we all have stuff going on and you dont seem to acknowledge that you arent the only one who is hugely busy.

You admit you never host or initiate plans - has it not occurred to you that people may interpret that as disinterest, because I would. You dont actually have to host anything but at least suggest some arrangements to meet up and engage with these people you describe as "nice" and then "mean" in the same sentence.

I think you hit the nail about friendship being a two way street. And I think sums this up. A lot of people assume to be invited to things because that’s what they would do because they are quote ‘nice’! Not being invited doesn’t mean these women aren’t nice you just aren’t in their inner circle for want of a better word.

I’ve pointed out a few reasons above that I believe have made Op drift from the original group.

but I feel the same as you @thisishowloween that you get out what you out in.

You can’t just expect to be part of the group because it’s ‘mean of them’ if you aren’t. @BeethovenNinth do you spend any one in one time with members of the group? Specifically that party host in question?

I don’t think you need to toughen up at all, and it’s understandable to feel like this. I think even if deep down you wouldn’t really want to go, just the fact you haven’t been invited is hurtful and upsetting.
I still have dreams about feeling left out at school, 20 years later despite not wanting to be friends with these people anyway!!

could you reach out to the other mum you said was feeling left out and go out for coffee? Or maybe join another social group or find another group to immerse yourself in.

I think there are a few things here which doesn’t mean you’re not a nice person but just but ‘their’ person.

1. you don’t drink, which isn’t a pre requisite but if they are going out for drinks and you don’t drink you may not fit the vibe

2. your kids have drifted so you are just not in the same circle as you once were - happens a lot with friends who were friends through their kids - I’ve had primary school mum friends drift now our kids are at different schools and the kids just don’t hang out anymore. It’s not that people stop liking each other it’s just that those little occasions where you drop them at their friends house and chat on the door step or are arranging something for the children through them, or taking the kids out for the day with the other parent etc have disappeared.

3. you do not reciprocate any invites yourself. You may have lots going on and not the headspace but believe me as someone who organises a lot of social meet ups/dinners/pub trips/ parties etc, it does get tiresome when there is one person that never does it.

4. this will sound horrible but maybe you’ve stopped being fun, I’m not saying it’s true but it sounds like you have a lot going on and maybe you’ve slipped into being the mood down of a night out or party. Or they do things as couples on occasion and your husband has never been forthcoming and has his own issues.

it doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you or your life it sounds like you have drifted from this group and you just don’t suit each other at this time in your lives.

Adults tend to want to hang out with people with lots in common. If you meet people via an activity (club, sports group etc) then you've naturally got something to talk about. If its via scholl the commonality tends to be social circumstances e.g. Kids that get along, similar types of families etc.

As a single parent of asn kids I tried really hard to be part of the big parent groups at school but ultimately there's a massive gap between our lives. It means I either have to gloss over stuff, or often end up feeling a bit like I've dampened a lovely conversation about e.g. upcoming holiday plans or how wonderful parent evening feedback was etc.

It doesn't sound like you have much in common with these mums and that's ok.

Exactly.

The others could have been going through just as much "shit" yet they still made the effort to reach out and include her. OP fully admits she didn't bother and didn't have the headspace, yet she managed to turn to everything she was invited to.

People don't like feeling taken for granted.

I dont think you read this thread properly because this is absolutely true, by @G5000 :

So the people who kindly invited OP to their group and kept inviting her to events and parties, without her ever reciprocating, (because she has a lot going on, you see, while nobody else from that group has a life) - they are self-absorbed dicks?

I also think the OP sounds like a nice person, but it's also true that she hasnt reciprocated the friendship or invitations offered to her, in which case, its hardly surprising that her friends have drifted away 🤷‍♀️

And no offence to the OP, who sounds lovely, but what makes her more worthy than the rest? Why do some automatically assume that the others are in the wrong?

So the people who kindly invited OP to their group and kept inviting her to events and parties, without her ever reciprocating, (because she has a lot going on, you see, while nobody else from that group has a life) - they are self-absorbed dicks?

In this case I really think that it probably is because of the kids drifting away and isn't personal or anything to do with you. It happens a lot.

I can understand why you're upset though - it's a shitty feeling no matter what age you are. Take heart in that its not personal and you'll likely go on to have closer connections elsewhere. Let this lot go.

What empathy has she shown them?

Are you sure that wasn’t about getting the kids together?

How has she invested, what are you talking about. She’s never invited them to anything, invested nothing from her side, just enjoyed their hospitality. So what, she now needs to find someone else who will jist keep giving and she can keep taking?

I'm seeing this more and more, and women are worse than men

Really?

I guess I am finding the fact that the majority of horrific violent crimes are committed by men to be a pretty good indicator of a lack of "empathy".

If it's any consolation these women often don't realise that the spinner can very quickly turn in their direction. Anything that marks them as being 'different' can mean they very quickly become the next 'you'. A divorce, a disability, becoming a widow, a child with SEN.

YANBU OP. I never know what to say to people in this situation other than: some people are self-absorbed dicks with no real care or empathy for others. I'm seeing this more and more, and women are worse than men. You need to go and find the people who are worth investing in.

So you don’t plan events, don’t invite them to anything, don’t ask on the chat about any events and the friendships aren’t very strong… why would they invite you? You don’t sound like you’d want to go anyway.

Sorry OP. That is hurtful. To be honest I agree with posters who have talked about parents friendships changing when children move on. I recently invited two 'mum friends' to the pub for a catch up to watch them arrange another evening out (just the two of them with their children) as their children as such 'good friends'. They also discussed the possibility of a trip to Europe .

It is hurtful and it has made me think about taking a step back from them And prioritising other things / friends.

So you didn’t like them, once they’d revealed their true characters to you, then. In which case, why on earth complain about their fickleness? Why would you want people you’d realised (presumably, if by the time you over heard the other person say ‘It’s only @deadpan’ your child was 2 or 3) you didn’t like to be enthusiastic about being your friend?

What seems to have catapulted you into ‘not choosing to have them as your friends’ was realising they weren’t crazy about you. That doesn’t make them bad people.

IMO it's worth pointing out that if someone came on here and posted about their friend "Jane" who they constantly invited to nights out and parties, only for Jane to never reciprocate, they'd be told it was fine to drop her and no longer make the effort to give out invites anymore.

Friendship is a two-way street. You can't expect to constantly receive a stream of invites to social occasions when you never bother doing anything for those people in return.

If you want to maintain a friendship with someone you have to put the effort in. And yes, that often means going out when you're knackered, or talking on the phone when you'd rather zone out in front of the TV.

Sending hugs. Watch Motherland and realise that they are basically Amanda's tribe - you're not missing out. Xx

I agree with this.

I also think it's worth bearing in mind that friendship groups are allowed to be exclusive. Not everything has to be inclusive. Women do not have to include everyone or #bekind and not doing so doesn't make women mean.

All his hand ringing about "cliques" and being excluded is just bloody weird. People apparently desperate to be included into groups of women who they themselves describe as cliquey, mean and bitchy.

It rather begs the question- why on earth are you so desperate to be included into a group of women you yourself, describe in such derogatory terms? why?

If the "cliques" wont include you then why not start your own little group of friends- people whom you like and trust. Surely, seeking out like minded people who you get on with and inviting them out for coffee is a far healthier use of time than constantly trying to force yourself into a group of people you admit you dont even like...

Why is it that the people constantly moaning about being excluded never initiate their own friendship groups?

I did like them, I thought most of them were very nice early on, but as time went by they revealed their characters and some of them turned out to be rather horrible. Especially when I was the only one not to be invited (by the cattiest who was organising it) to a Christmas outing.
Of course people chose their friends, what an odd thing to say, I chose to not have any of them as my friends anymore. And why do you think people choose one person over another? Because some are nicer than others, so you generally chose people you think are nice. Sme of the nicer ones had left by that point and had gone back to full time work. I kept in touch with them.
I've moved around the place quite a lot too, America for a short while, then back to the north of England, then Scotland and then the south east. I've had plenty of experience fitting in and sussing out new people. Don't assume because someone mentions one situation that they don't base their actions on experiences or common sense