For crying age 50 as I feel left out! Help me toughen up?

I don’t think that’s necessarily true. Someone who only ever socialised on the fringes of their group after they started inviting her to things when their children started hanging out, has never really befriended them or reciprocated invitations (understandably, because she has a shit ton of bad stuff going on, but they don’t know that because she hasn’t told them), and now that their children are no longer close, is no longer so much on anyone’s radar when it comes to party invitations.

That’s not ‘mean’. If you’re having a house party with limited space, are you going to invite your actual friends, or someone who never seemed particularly at ease around you, kept on the fringes of things, and never reciprocated invitations, and whose children no longer hang out with yours?

No one, including the OP, has done anything wrong.

At the very least they are thoughtless. I won’t be invested in a friendship with adult women like that.

OP, it's great you have reflected. Yes from your side it's not nice to feel excluded, but from the other side, it's also not nice to feel you're not someone worth an effort. I lost a friend like this, I noticed it's only me inviting, only me reaching out - if I didn't, I never heard from her. It was very hurtful to feel like I was good enough when I did stuff for her, but not good enough to do the same from her side. Your friends don't know if you're not inviting anybody and organising anything, or you are, but for 'better' friends.

Sometimes this can turn out to be a blessing.

I’ve been there before and it really hurt. But I had pride and self worth and walked away from them. Instead of thinking I didn’t have them as friends anymore, I thought ‘they don’t get to have me’. I’ve never regretted it. Not once.

OP, I congratulate you on reading and being grateful for everyone's comments.

I've also had to do some thinking about my friendships and their different levels and honestly it really does serve you well. When you are self reflecting something to bear in mind - "if you compassion does not extend to yourself, it is incomplete". So be kind to yourself. We are all on a journey and sometimes we lose perspective

Yeah I don’t see this as rejection either, unless you feel you not inviting them, is rejection and you rejected them first?

the sad truth is you didn’t engage, you didn’t invite them out, organise anything or reciprocate, so they have moved on. That’s not rejection, it also isn’t not waiting for you. It is matching your behaviour, they are treating you like you’ve treated them.

relationships have to be two way. No one likes it all one way where they give and someone always takes.

they simply matched your own behaviour.

OP- I admire you for taking the comments on the chin and self reflecting - thats a very brave thing to do. We could all do with doing that ourselves.

Regarding your question though: "I might eventually explore why I find rejection so hard". You absolutely do NOT need to trawl through your traumatic childhood memories for this one. It just needs to be re-framed because its a faulty assumption. Your friends are not "rejecting you"- they are simply moving on with plans with people who are engaging in their social circle. You admit that you withdraw when stressed. This is not "rejection" from them- thats a faulty assumption and its causing you all this stress in the first place. It's also what most of us in this thread have been trying to tell you.

There is no "rejection" here. They are friends choosing to spend time with other friends whom they feel close to. They dont feel close to you because you have withdrawn and arent reciprocating. Thats literally it. Re-framing this as something completely neutral - neither good nor bad, will help you stop being so bothered by it.

It is rarely what actually happens to us that upsets us, its the meaning we give it.

Be kind to yourself! Every single one of us has something not quite perfect... some of us have lots of somethings!

Just put on a smile, focus on the things dear to you and don't let the past dictate the future.

Seems reasonable to me that if someone never bothers to organise anything and also admits they don't have that much in common with the rest of the group and they don't really share what's going on in their life, is eventually invited less and less.
If the person in question notices it and wants to be in the group, they can make an effort.
What else should they do not to be 'cruel'? Yes someone could have pointed it out that OP doesn't seem to be too interested. But then again, OP has noticed herself she's not putting in the effort, but thought this was all fine anyway.

How do you think people in the group should handle having a party they don’t intend to invite OP to because they don’t really think of her as a friend, given they don’t have much in common and she’s made no effort with them for years? Call her up and say “Hi! I’m having a party but you’re not invited.” ?

What a load of crap. Most people start to not like others when theyre not nice to them, ridicule them and not be friendly towards them. That's why I ended up not like them.

Would she though? This forum is littered with people who feel entitled to friendship and sore when they don’t get it, feeling excluded, whinging about cliques, but when you drill down, they never invite people, never make an effort. They simply expect others to do everything and invite them along and let them join in. They don’t understand relationships have to be equal and you need to put in as much effort.

It is overwhelmingly likely the people in this group all make equal effort with each other, inviting, organising, hosting etc. and the people who don’t do anything and never reciprocate are the ones they simply stopped inviting.

if someone posted on here and said I always invite Jenny, parties, my house, out for drinks, she never ever reciprocates. Never asks me to anything, not even out for coffee, but is happy to turn up and eat my food and drink my drinks. People would be shouting bin her off, she’s a user. They’d not be shouting just keep giving to her.. you’re not a mug at all

My thinking about this OP is that they’re not your ‘people’. The reason I say this is that if they were your people then you’d automatically make arrangements with them and tell them about difficulties and the highs and lows of your life. You wouldn’t feel like you’re not cool enough for them.

So with that in mind, I honestly wouldn’t give the non invitation any further thought. It sounds like you have close friends elsewhere anyway.

I’m not a huge fan of huge friendship groups anyway. Inevitably someone ends up on the periphery and the whole group thing is just so much effort and I can’t be arsed.

Sigh. The OP only knows that this other person is also invited to fewer things lately because she’s also a friend of the OP’s and they talked about it.

She can have no idea how many other people, who are not separately friends of hers, weren’t invited to the party.

It sounds like a perfectly ordinary situational thing where some people whose children started to hang out with a pre-existing group’s children included them in some adult social stuff for years, and then, as they hadn’t particularly bonded enough to become firm friends in their own right, are just not particularly on anyone’s radar any more now the children are no longer friends.

I don’t think anyones done anything wrong.

Yes needs be two way efforts. I had nice friends we def drifted once our girls moved on to secondary. Its hard op. Maybe the kids not as much in common?

I suspect her friends think it's the OP who is silently edging them out- this works both ways here if she never does any inviting.

But surely she's "silently edging them out " as well but not reciprocating any of their invites over the years

I wouldn't bother inviting someone who never initiated a meet-up with me themselves.

Both can be true. Perhaps everyone needs to actually use their words. I do not like silent edging out though. It is cruel. But it is also possible they are unaware of what is going on in OP's life - and she could talk to someone/ arrange something.

But it doesn’t mean the OP isn’t allowed to feel upset or left out

But it does- how on earth can you feel "left out" when you never reciprocate or suggest plans? if OP's friends acted like her, noone would meet up ever and the group wouldnt even exist! Reciprocity is important in friendships.

Absolutely this.

You can't just sit back and "take" constant invitations without ever offering any yourself. It doesn't have to be fancy - ask someone out for a coffee or a dog walk, see if they fancy the cinema or a drink after work, or even a takeaway and a film.

One of my closest friends and I do most of our socialising around our dogs - just a walk and a coffee at someone's house, or we might pop over for half an hour with cake for a chat. It doesn't have to be expensive or take hours of your time.

The OP said it was just her and another lady on the periphery who gave been left out of social functions... This is what you call 'classic reading the thread' MN.

I don’t think we know remotely enough about what kind of things are arranged for you to comment that they are “giving and giving and giving”
there’s always typically someone in a group who’s an organiser doesn’t mean their selflessly giving hospitality and need something in return.

I’m not saying these group of mums are mean. I’m very much of the view that people shouldn’t be included for the sake of it, as grown adults. But it doesn’t mean the OP isn’t allowed to feel upset or left out

No one should be mug enough to keep on in a one sided relationship

Exactly- if I was constantly inviting my friend out and arranging get togethers and she never even once suggested something herself I would simply assume she didnt want to meet up or spend time with me. In fact, it would make me wonder if she even wanted to go out the previous times or whether she just agreed to go out of politeness/peer pressure.

You cannot just sit back passively in friendships and expect them to remain the same forever. They wont. Relationships of all kinds take effort and some investment on both sides to work, otherwise they become nothing more than parasitic.