Could he find someone to have a child with

Original poster

ILoveAnjanaVasan · 18/10/2025 22:16

I think I would disagree with that, I think lots of women use sperm donors to have children and it is increasing.
If my partner did (and he very very likely won't) have a child when he was in a relationship with me I would also be involved in parenting that child when the child was with him.

OP posts:

YourOliveBalonz · 18/10/2025 22:03

There is a difference I think between wanting a child regardless of circumstances, and wanting to create a family. That might sound like the same thing but it’s not, a lot of people might know they want children but they want to have that child in a relationship, only a few would use a sperm donor to do it alone for example. Having a co-parenting relationship with a platonic stranger and sharing child-rearing - and doing all of this separate to your actual partner - may hold little appeal. I suspect if your partner would like to have children, he would also want to find a new life partner to do that with.

Original poster

ILoveAnjanaVasan · 18/10/2025 21:55

Checkcheckout · 18/10/2025 21:53

Sooooooo why are you even considering suggesting this for him? I’d be horrified, if I was him.

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I'm not considering suggesting this for him

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Checkcheckout · 18/10/2025 21:53

ILoveAnjanaVasan · 18/10/2025 21:51

He was undecided before I met him and then when we got together he decided he was ok with not having children. We spoke about it a few times but not recently, I presume he is still ok with it. He's usually pretty forthcoming about things

Sooooooo why are you even considering suggesting this for him? I’d be horrified, if I was him.

Original poster

ILoveAnjanaVasan · 18/10/2025 21:51

He was undecided before I met him and then when we got together he decided he was ok with not having children. We spoke about it a few times but not recently, I presume he is still ok with it. He's usually pretty forthcoming about things

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Olaeverybody · 18/10/2025 21:44

ILoveAnjanaVasan · 18/10/2025 20:08

Crazy question, and I haven't thought this through or spoken to my partner about it so don't take it too seriously!
I am much older than him and can't have kids. He was undecided about having his own children but we got together anyway and he is happy with me.
I have always felt a bit guilty about him not having the opportunity to have his own children and while pondering this I wondered if he should try and have a child with someone else. So my crazy question is this. Could he find someone who is single and wanted to share parenting with him. Maybe someone who hasn't met the right person or who is gay? Is this a thing and has anyone ever heard of this happening in real life?

Do you know his feelings on whether he wants to be a father?

Original poster

ILoveAnjanaVasan · 18/10/2025 21:36

DiscoBob · 18/10/2025 21:33

Well that's a relief. It's not your decision to make anyway if he did decide to want one.

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Of course it's not, people are talking like I'm his pimp and I want to farm him out to impregnate women, which I think says more about them. It was literally a thought off the top of my head. He's a 40 year old man and can make his own decisions

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Checkcheckout · 18/10/2025 21:35

ILoveAnjanaVasan · 18/10/2025 21:26

It's sad to think that men think like that if that is true. A lot of men I know have been really keen to have children and have been good, involved, dads.
But I'm glad your in a happy relationship with a younger man

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It’s been true of every man I’ve had that conversation with, whether they’ve been male
friends or boyfriends/partners of mine. I’m sure there are men out there who actively want kids, but it’s a jump to assume that most/all of them do. That’s not to say they won’t be good fathers if they did end up being a dad, just that the biological urge doesn’t seem to be there in the same way that it is (generally) for women. By the sounds of it, I’d say your DP falls into the ambivalent camp, otherwise he’d have done something about it. He’s an adult with his own agency in life, you don’t need to worry about this stuff for him.

DiscoBob · 18/10/2025 21:33

ILoveAnjanaVasan · 18/10/2025 20:41

Like I said, I'm just pondering, and not seriously

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Well that's a relief. It's not your decision to make anyway if he did decide to want one.

Original poster

ILoveAnjanaVasan · 18/10/2025 21:31

MeridaBrave · 18/10/2025 21:25

Could he find a lesbian couple who might like the idea of him having some sort of relationship with their child.

Those were the sort of lines I was thinking along

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Original poster

ILoveAnjanaVasan · 18/10/2025 21:26

Checkcheckout · 18/10/2025 21:16

This is very weird.

If he is still with you and hasn’t mentioned wanting children, I think it’s safe to assume he’s really not that bothered. Planning on his behalf to send him off to stud is a bit odd, to say the least.

IME the vast majority of men really aren’t that arsed about reproducing. They mainly have kids because:

they are with someone who really wants them and they go along with it.

or

they get someone knocked up accidentally.

Honestly OP just enjoy your relationship. I am with someone younger than me, very happily. He doesn’t have DC and I do (adult and nearly adult), and I’m too old to have more, although when we first got together I probably just about could have. He’s really not bothered. He’s free to leave at any time but wants to be with me, I think he sees it as almost a bonus that I’m menopausal 🤣

It's sad to think that men think like that if that is true. A lot of men I know have been really keen to have children and have been good, involved, dads.
But I'm glad your in a happy relationship with a younger man

OP posts:

MeridaBrave · 18/10/2025 21:25

Could he find a lesbian couple who might like the idea of him having some sort of relationship with their child.

Original poster

ILoveAnjanaVasan · 18/10/2025 21:23

SlippySausage · 18/10/2025 21:20

I don't think this is a hugely ridiculous consideration. What OP is suggesting is that her DH might want to be a sperm donor with parenting rights for a lesbian couple, or for a woman who wants a child but is running out of time to find a willing partner. Neither of those scenarios is wildly unusual, but, as a previous poster suggested, many of these arrangements arise out of pre-existing friendships. I'm shocked at the pearl-clutching, given that 3.8 million children live in separated families in the UK. Are those saying absolutely 'no' suggesting that women without partners, or same sex couples shouldn't have children under any circumstances?

Thank you, I'm glad someone gets it!

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Original poster

ILoveAnjanaVasan · 18/10/2025 21:20

WiseAdviceNeededPlease · 18/10/2025 21:14

I think it's considerate of you to think of this. I know a female couple whose children were conceived using the sperm of the brother of one partner, baby carried by the other partner, an arrangement like that could work if they agreed on how much of a role he would have. I also have a friend whose Dad was a sperm donor in the 60s and quite a few of the children he helped bring into the world have contacted him. Maybe you are a few too many steps along in the thinking process trying to solve something that might not be an issue for him though? Not everyone wants to have kids. If your children have babies he could be a grandparent which could be fine also?

Oh and yes one day, not too soon I might have grandchildren, being a grandparent will be nice I think

OP posts:

SlippySausage · 18/10/2025 21:20

I don't think this is a hugely ridiculous consideration. What OP is suggesting is that her DH might want to be a sperm donor with parenting rights for a lesbian couple, or for a woman who wants a child but is running out of time to find a willing partner. Neither of those scenarios is wildly unusual, but, as a previous poster suggested, many of these arrangements arise out of pre-existing friendships. I'm shocked at the pearl-clutching, given that 3.8 million children live in separated families in the UK. Are those saying absolutely 'no' suggesting that women without partners, or same sex couples shouldn't have children under any circumstances?

Original poster

ILoveAnjanaVasan · 18/10/2025 21:18

WiseAdviceNeededPlease · 18/10/2025 21:14

I think it's considerate of you to think of this. I know a female couple whose children were conceived using the sperm of the brother of one partner, baby carried by the other partner, an arrangement like that could work if they agreed on how much of a role he would have. I also have a friend whose Dad was a sperm donor in the 60s and quite a few of the children he helped bring into the world have contacted him. Maybe you are a few too many steps along in the thinking process trying to solve something that might not be an issue for him though? Not everyone wants to have kids. If your children have babies he could be a grandparent which could be fine also?

Yes I am a few steps ahead aren't I 😂I like to think about what ifs.
I think I have upset a few people by thinking about a hypothetical situation.
I think if it ever did happen it would take an awful lot of trust and negotiation which would be very difficult to find in real life.

OP posts:

Checkcheckout · 18/10/2025 21:16

This is very weird.

If he is still with you and hasn’t mentioned wanting children, I think it’s safe to assume he’s really not that bothered. Planning on his behalf to send him off to stud is a bit odd, to say the least.

IME the vast majority of men really aren’t that arsed about reproducing. They mainly have kids because:

they are with someone who really wants them and they go along with it.

or

they get someone knocked up accidentally.

Honestly OP just enjoy your relationship. I am with someone younger than me, very happily. He doesn’t have DC and I do (adult and nearly adult), and I’m too old to have more, although when we first got together I probably just about could have. He’s really not bothered. He’s free to leave at any time but wants to be with me, I think he sees it as almost a bonus that I’m menopausal 🤣

Topjoe19 · 18/10/2025 21:15

I can't believe anyone would actually think this could be an option.

Original poster

ILoveAnjanaVasan · 18/10/2025 21:14

Latenightreader · 18/10/2025 21:09

I have come across this and have also known people who got a long way along the process before changing their mind.

The people I know who did something similar were both gay and had been best friends for years. I knew them at university and was really surprised to hear that they had a baby together, but it worked really well for them. The baby had two parents who (platonically) loved each other. I lost touch some time ago so don't know how it worked out longterm.

I also know a female couple who were talking to a close male friend about being a sperm donor. They had a lot of conversations and drew up a draft agreement but then decided not to go ahead because of the complexity of the situation plus different attitudes to key things.

I understand you want to think around this in case it ever comes up. I would not want to coparent in those circumstances.

Thank you, this is really interesting.
I have to say I am surprised by the amount of people who can't even envisage a child being brought up in a non nuclear family by choice. I thought there would be more forward thinking people on here.
For me if a child is loved and looked after well they will thrive and I have seen many children thrive in different circumstances. It's all a bit short sighted I think

OP posts:

WiseAdviceNeededPlease · 18/10/2025 21:14

I think it's considerate of you to think of this. I know a female couple whose children were conceived using the sperm of the brother of one partner, baby carried by the other partner, an arrangement like that could work if they agreed on how much of a role he would have. I also have a friend whose Dad was a sperm donor in the 60s and quite a few of the children he helped bring into the world have contacted him. Maybe you are a few too many steps along in the thinking process trying to solve something that might not be an issue for him though? Not everyone wants to have kids. If your children have babies he could be a grandparent which could be fine also?

Original poster

ILoveAnjanaVasan · 18/10/2025 21:11

cloudtreecarpet · 18/10/2025 21:06

Yes, examine your low self esteem around this relationship.

Alright then

OP posts:

Latenightreader · 18/10/2025 21:09

I have come across this and have also known people who got a long way along the process before changing their mind.

The people I know who did something similar were both gay and had been best friends for years. I knew them at university and was really surprised to hear that they had a baby together, but it worked really well for them. The baby had two parents who (platonically) loved each other. I lost touch some time ago so don't know how it worked out longterm.

I also know a female couple who were talking to a close male friend about being a sperm donor. They had a lot of conversations and drew up a draft agreement but then decided not to go ahead because of the complexity of the situation plus different attitudes to key things.

I understand you want to think around this in case it ever comes up. I would not want to coparent in those circumstances.

Steeleydan · 18/10/2025 21:08

ILoveAnjanaVasan · 18/10/2025 20:08

Crazy question, and I haven't thought this through or spoken to my partner about it so don't take it too seriously!
I am much older than him and can't have kids. He was undecided about having his own children but we got together anyway and he is happy with me.
I have always felt a bit guilty about him not having the opportunity to have his own children and while pondering this I wondered if he should try and have a child with someone else. So my crazy question is this. Could he find someone who is single and wanted to share parenting with him. Maybe someone who hasn't met the right person or who is gay? Is this a thing and has anyone ever heard of this happening in real life?

Have you lost your mind?

cloudtreecarpet · 18/10/2025 21:06

Yes, examine your low self esteem around this relationship.

Original poster

ILoveAnjanaVasan · 18/10/2025 21:03

FamBae · 18/10/2025 21:01

I think that just the fact your even pondering this screams insecurity despite your protestations.

Yes there is a tiny bit of insecurity that he hasn't had the opportunity to have children because he is with me, I think that's natural

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