AIBU to spend on my ‘step’ daughters?

I'm just not even indulging that with a response.

Especially as you haven't reflected on the main feedback.

I don't think you're doing anything wrong, bu I can see why mum is threatened by this. If you stop now I'm not sure how you'd do it without making her look like the bad guy.
What does dad think? I'd say it's his call really as it's their contact time with him.

You’re not all living together already surely? And not planning to do so any time soon?

Came here to say this! If the relationship works out long term, OP would be savaged for not treating them the same.

It’s completely healthy to ‘treat them differently’ from your own children when you’ve only been in their lives for a few months.

It’s unhealthy to act as if they are your step children already when they are your boyfriend’s kids.

You keep asking ‘why’. Because you aren’t yet their step mum, you haven’t built up a healthy and sensible dynamic with them yet so it’s an overstep to be giving them a large amount of pocket money (something that parents do) as it feels like you’re trying to force the dynamic with them or make everyone feel as if you’re more involved than you actually are or need to be.

Think of things like parents evenings - would you go to those with them with your partner? Of course not (presumably) because you aren’t yet in a step parent role so it would be an overstep and inappropriate.

It feels as if you’re desperate to make the relationship seem more long term than it is so far. It’s only been 18 months. 4 since they’ve been involved.

Chill! Respect their mum’s wishes and if dozens of people all say that they instinctively feel you’ve overstepped, consider whether they may have a point instead of being defensive.

maybe just say it come from dad. Since you’re doing it as you’re a couple then it might as well be from him.

It seems there’s a lot more going on here in these kids lives than just pocket money. Hopefully this situation remains stable for them.

I wouldn’t have a problem with this. I would feel worse if my DCs came home and told me that the other kids were getting money and none were given to my DCs. So I think it’s a kind gesture. Maybe lower it to 10 a week. Or maybe treat them to something every week that’s around 10-20.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable, I think it’s really nic- usually the thread is about not wanting to do this, but ultimately the mum probably feels inadequate and annoyed that you can give this when she can’t.

Op, let’s start with your kids’ pocket money. 20 pound is A LOT at that age. NatWest advises £3.32 for 10yo, £3.37 for 11yo, £4.05 for 12yo and £4.55 for 13yo. What do you expect your children to spend their pocket money on? Are you happy for them to eat £20 of sweets a week? Are you happy for them to buy £20 of toys every week? Even if they are saving half, are you happy for them to buy £10 sweets every week?

Now what you are doing with your boyfriend’s children is ADDING to whatever pocket money they get from their dad and their mum, so making it higher than £20 a week. First of all, that is way too much pocket money for their age. Secondly, how is that fair to your children? Does your boyfriend also give your children the same amount of pocket money as he gives his own children? Thirdly (and I think this is possibly the most important), you are overstepping their parents role AND wishes. It is NOT your role as their father’s partner to give them pocket money. That is for their dad and mum.

You can give them a gift for their birthday /Christmas etc or pay for extra chores, or give them a treat every now and then. But you should not take up a role which is their parents’.

I don't think it is too much if they're financially educated on how to handle money. What's £20/week really? I'll give more if I can afford it. Ofcourse, it will just be monitored and I'll demand accountability regularly, rewarding positive money behaviour and giving consequences to those that mismanage.
I strongly feel money should be demystified to kids. Just educate them and monitor, I can't let my kids see money as something grand or something to be scared of or to be revered, no, if i were their mum, I'll be glad my kids have someone like that in their lives and I'll just demand accountability on how they spend and save the money.
Like I said, THIS IS MY OPINION.
To the poster, I think you should speak to their mum, apologise for overstepping and ask her if she wants you to stop totally, if she says yes, please honour it, you can but shouldn't love them more than their mum, I hope you get what I mean.
But once in a while, buy them moderate gifts.
Or if you love them at much, save it up for them and give them later in life IF you and their dad are still together.

Weldone though, take virtual hugs.

Can’t you understand not everyone can afford £20 a week pocket money, some months that’s £100 for two kids! You’re overstepping! You’ve clearly got more money than her so respect her parenting wishes! You’re making this about you!

Exactly this. Nobody’s jealous you’ve got money OP. You’re making shit decisions because you want to look good. Spending money on kids you’ve known for a few months to curry favour. If anything you’ve said about their mum is true, you’re plying them with cash now and if your relationship with their dad doesn’t pan out, you’re just another woman who’s filled their head full of nonsense and then let them down.

At a guess, a fair few of the posters will be earning more than you and still think you’re wrong.

Because by most people's standards, that is an excessive amount of pocket money for children of that age, irrespective of the parent's finances.
I can understand why you included your sc in the pocket money allowance but I am assuming that they live predominantly with their mum.
In that case, you are not entirely blended and I can understand her upset.
It might have been better to have discussed this with their mum first

You say their dad is the resident parent. Is he aware of and comfortable with the arrangement? I can understand why you want to treat the children equally, but it also feels quite soon to be doing this. I do think it's a lot of money every week for kids their age, and my concern would be if you split up, and they are used to this, it would be difficult for them to go back to having very little again. If you were all living together, then of course I can see that all children being treated equally would be the right thing to do.

However, I think it should be their dad that has the final say on this, not their mum, as she can't dictate how he does things when the children are with him. If he decides that he wants to go with mum's wishes and not upsetting the apple cart, you will need to respect that at this stage in your relationship.

In most circumstances I would take the Mum’s side - it’s too much money, it’s overstepping the OP’s very tenuous parental role, it feels like OP is buying their affection.

But the Mum is a drug addict who has relinquished custody of her children. OP is treating the children equally, according to her values the money is not “too much”, and the Dad is fine with it. On balance it seems fine to me.

She's worried a)that they will think less of her as she can't offer this b) worried you and the dad will split and they kids will get hurt c) that the kids will become spoilt (this is a lot for some people).

If their dad is happy with it then I don’t see the problem, especially if they are with him 90% of the time.

I think £20 is about right for that age, my 6 year old gets £10 a week. I used to get £15 a week at your DCs age, 15 years ago. Things cost a lot these days.

I hope you’re right, it does sound like these girls have been through a huge amount and so I can only hope that this new situation is stable for them. Early days, though?

Well if she’s not happy with the amount now, how will she react if you was to drop it to say, a fiver which will then be £15 less than what your kids will be getting?

Tbh I think its fine, but it all depends. Some families this is a lot of money to give, esp if you are giving 20 to 4 kids! I give my older two around 15 pocket money to buy snacks or food after school each week, sometimes 20 depending. They don't get home until 5pm. I think it is very kind of you to also give to your stepkids....as many would not. The mother should be greatly. Perhaps she is jealous.

It’s pretty obvious that you’re not interested in any thoughtful and practical feedback from other mothers. I’m not sure why you made this post.

Best of luck to you, genuinely, though. It’s very early on to be this involved in these girls lives so I do genuinely hope that it works out well for all of you. From what you’ve said it sounds like they have been through a lot already and so another situation breaking down would be pretty awful for them. I’m sure you’re proceeding very carefully.