AIBU to spend on my ‘step’ daughters?

Of course he does, you fund his children and possibly him.

You denigrate their mother, (and is
his take on it actually accurate), and are trying to buy their love to overtake her. It's not a good look.

Because it's a ridiculous amount of money for that age group. It doesn't teach them the value of money, especially if they fritter it away on Roblox.

Hmmm ok then

You just met your BF 18 months ago.

You just met his kids 4 months ago. His kids are not your step kids. You barely know them.

You're starting conflict with their mom over giving them money without even running it by her first or even telling her. Why did your BF not approach her about this and let it go on in secret? Now it looks like you're doing things behind the mother's back after 4 months. And you may not think so, but it does look like you're trying to buy their affection.

Back off.

It’s wrong because teaching children about money is a parental decision and you are not theirs. Some people choose to give a smaller amount as pocket money than you. It’s not necessarily because they earn less than you. If a girlfriend of your ex gave your 10 year old £50 a week would you condone it?

You’re not their step mum and you’ve known them for four months. You’re teaching all your kids terrible boundaries by acting like this regardless of what you hope the future holds

OP, just let people be. As a child who lived with a step mum for the most significant years of my life and let's not just talk about it.
I appreciate your thoughtfulness, step mums often get the bad rep anyways. No matter what you do or do not do😹
So just move on.
But I do not think you're been unreasonable, you did well. You gave according to your capacity, what is peanuts to you is "a taboo" to some people.
Discuss with their dad, then discuss with the mum.

As long as you're sure in your mind that you're not trying to curry favour.
And what's wrong with trying to be likable? Especially with children you'll eventually live with. What's the evil in it? You should come mean and act like a witch? So they can know you're real?

You cannot please people. So

Oh wow, sorry, I can she has them every other weekend. Yes, that’s a tad different but perhaps still good practice to discuss.

If the father genuinely believes his children should have £20 a week pocket money he should be making this payment himself, and committing to it for the long term, not relying on a girlfriend - with whom he neither lives nor shares finances- to do so. I would also expect him to notify their mother of this (all parents need to know about their kids’ financial position) and to consider seriously any concerns she expressed about him paying pocket money at this unusually high level.

OP is intrusive, disrespectful, and her comments about bring a ‘happy family’ after 4 months are frankly weird. I don’t think this bodes well for her influence in this man’s family.

And as for the comments about jealousy! Just nutty.

I cannot understand the replies on here. The girls live with their dad. Their mum is on drugs and contributes nothing financially and barely anything practically. Op treats them to £20 per week, as she does her own two, and from that these lovely girls living in a shitty situation are learning to spend some, save enough to buy their mum a decent present, and donate to charity.

They are learning financial responsibility. Op can do it without stretching herself and is fine with it. These girls might just break the cycle. People should wind their necks in.

For me it’s not the amount, it’s the decision / discussion around pocket money that should have happened in the first instance. Perhaps you could apologise saying you hadn’t thought about it since you give your own children money and ask her if she would have a chat about it with their dad. Money management is such an important life skill.

It's a bit early to be declaring that you're a family, and while I get that you want to be fair, just slow it down a touch.

If you end up moving in together then that would be the time to think about making sure the children are treated equally in terms of pocket money etc.

While their mum may have challenges she is still their mum, and her feelings shouldn't be discounted.

Are you not also doing it to proof to your boyfriend that you’re a catch?
If my partner gave my DD £20 a week I’d think it’s odd and OTT. He buys her a bar of chocolate every now and again and she’s more than pleased with that.

I don’t think it’s too much… my 12yr old gets £30+ as he she pays for travel and lunch when out with friends and a subway can cost up to £12. You are not trying to buy their love but you are being fair.
Mum is upset and maybe a little jealous that your money was used for the gift.
I think it’s best to stop though as it will just cause issues. Christmas will be a challenge so get Dad to pre arrange what is being purchased in your household and only buy what Mum agrees, same for birthdays.
The people can’t tell you why is outrageous or why they would be livid because they are don’t like anyone with saving goals or disposable income!

Genuinely don’t understand why people are being pissy. If you was spending time with them and your kids were spending their pocket money or you were spending your hard earned money on your own kids and ignoring his then people would be annoyed about that.

You asked their parent if it was ok and he said yes, I don’t know why you’d need to speak to the birth giver too.

It’s just jealousy because she’s choosing to not spend her money on her children.

good luck, you sound great and a good role model for the girls.

Buying kids affection with money is both those things.

But they are her DP's children. So, their non-custodial mother gets more of a say than the custodial father in your book?

This seems quite important. EOW parents have a bit of cheek laying down the law.

I think it's both creepy and kind of pathetic tbh

Possibly it’d be nice to give them ways to spend this money, for example a monthly shopping trip. Encourage them to save for bigger items and stick some in long term savings. Good budgeting experience.

TBH if this was a dad who was addicted to drugs, paid no maintenance he wouldn’t be entitled to an opinion. Maybe give it to the Dad so it technically comes from him?