AIBU to spend on my ‘step’ daughters?

You. You said he can’t afford to give his own kids pocket money, therefore you are funding him to the tune of £40 a week. You are providing something for his kids that he can’t afford. If he could afford it, would you also be giving them £20 a week each? No.

Please, for how many of the 16 weeks that you have known them have you been giving them money?

I appreciate that what you are doing could be coming from a place of kindness. But ultimately I would have waited until you properly blended families and finances so that there wasn’t this huge discrepancy in income between the two of you and pocket money came from you both as a parental unit. If you don’t have any intention of doing that then I don’t think you should be providing for his kids in this way.

As an aside, my early teen DC get £5 a week basic pocket money and can earn more for chores. That way they always have some spends but they are learning to work for money at the same time.

The ‘addict ex’ was a major drip feed and I’d say, based on this, these kids have clearly been through an immense amount. If I was their dad’s ’just introduced to them’ girlfriend I’d be treading extremely lightly so as not to put them in a conflicting or temporary situation again. I’d likely not be posting on Mumsnet about their mother, her addiction and arguing with people about the pocket money situation and telling people they’re just jealous about my money situation. Maybe that’s just me though.

I suppose it depends on your income. If it’s something you can afford why not. If you work hard and it gives you joy go for it. Each to their own.

Personally if you were my children step parent I would appreciate you treating them as your own. So many step parent bashing threads.

However you maybe should have discussed with mum and dad that this was ok. Being open and honest. Sometimes communication goes a long way.

They’re just not spoilt though! They are lovely, kind kids. All 4 of them. I would address it if they started to behave entitled or spoilt

Thats your perspective. She is their mum, and she may not want them having flashy amounts of cash. She's perfectly entitled to prefer a more modest lifestyle for them that teaches them to value money & not expect it to grow on trees be handed out willy nilly in large sums every week

I think your stuck between a rock and a hard place. If you reduced your boys pocket money they would resent the girls, if you gave the girls less than your boys, they would feel resentful, particularly now they are used to having it. It's very kind of you to treat all the children the same. I think if you had mentioned the access arrangements in your op, you wouldn't have received as much stick as you have. Imo the girls are old enough for dp to explain to them that their dm is worried about how much pocket money they have, and he would like them to save half, they will still be getting the same as your boys. You have to respect mums feelings even if you don't agree with them, but a happy balance at home takes precedence in my opinion.

I would have suggested it to your partner (as I’m sure you did) before you started giving them the same pocket money as your kids, but I would have asked him to check his ex was ok with it first. You didn’t say whether you all live together, and I think that’s an important aspect. I can understand you not wanting his kids to feel hard done by if you all share a house (although you still should have got your partner to check with her) but if you don’t live with them then it might feel from her perspective more of an ostentatious gesture and if she also earns a lot less than you (you didn’t say) she might already have feelings about not being able to give them as much as she’d like. That being said, I would want a partner who had kids to take an active role in making sure that me and his ex knew each other’s boundaries and your question was silent on that point. It’s a lovely thing for you to do, but I can understand her sensitivity (and I agree it’s a lot of money for a 10 year
old) and the only person in the situation who knows you both well is your partner. So in summary, it’s tricky to say whether or not you’re being unreasonable without knowing his role. From the gut, though, I wouldn’t be thrilled to find out my partner’s new partner was giving my kids pocket money and I hadn’t been consulted about it beforehand.

yeah I enjoy spoiling people that I care about. I guess it’s my love language

Exactly.... but if you spoil people all the time they can become...spoilt.

Maybe mum does not really want her dc spoilt! I had a kindly neighbour who was always offering my dc sweets. Once or twice its nice, but too much of a good thing can have a bad effect on children.

Dsd’s mum never complained about anything I did for, or with dsd. I was quite young when I became her stepmother (more than 30 years ago) and we did a lot of fun things together and not having children yet myself, a lot of my spare money was spent on her. Looking back, I'm sure there were times when her mum could have seen me far enough but although we weren’t really each others sort of person, I have the utmost respect for her willingness to put her DD first and realise that my great relationship with her dd didn’t take anything away from her.

Perhaps their dad could open an account for them to put the money in and they could just have £5 or so to spend each week and ask their dad if they want to use more. You sound like you will be a lovely step mum to the girls. It’s not an easy role. My dsd was a wiiillld teenager but she is a lovely responsible adult and mother to my little grandson. I’m sure it will all work out fine.

Of course it is funding him! He doesn't have to give his kids pocket money because you do it for him!

Christ! You sound like my kids, with your constant cry of Why?? 😩

Actually, you did. You literally said that he can't afford to give his kids pocket money.

£20 a week is a lot, especially for a ten year old.

The problem with it is that it can make young people lose sight of the value of money, if they constantly have access to a lot of cash. They can get quite spoiled, never have to accept not having something they want. It can lead some teens to an attitude of entitlement to a rather affluent lifestyle.

In that case, it's undermining her. Not only this, but it's creating a clear divide between the children's two homes. This makes it distasteful, as well as ridiculous in terms of the amount.

Well you're calling her a cokehead, do you have evidence? And you are funding the pocket money he can't give so yes, you are funding him. And probably to trips out etc, although you haven't said that.

The problem on here is that posters tend to identify with one particular character in a given narrative and then can’t see any other PoV.

For some reason everyone is identifying with the coke addict ex who prioritises her dependency over her kids (as long as any parent is using that is what they are doing) - and is not the resident parent.

But if posters put themselves in the position of being the DP with a couple of kids and a wealthy partner who believes that the children should be treated equally - they may take a different perspective.

It can be very hard when an ex spouse moves on with someone who is wealthy - if’s not only painful to see children with someone else, but also being treated to things they would like to do themselves with their kids but can’t afford it. But that doesn’t mean anyone is doing anything wrong.

What next a ban on taking the girls on holiday with them on the basis that mum couldn’t afford to?

If mum doesn’t like it she can get off Charlie and take more responsibility for her kids.

Dad's wishes and opinions as primary parent should take priority. But this post suggests you think yours should come second and their actual mum's third.
'Other than not abiding by the mums wishes' is a big other than. She doesn't sound like a great parent but she is their parent and you are someone who's known them for 4 months.