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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to spend on my ‘step’ daughters?

360 replies

sohappens · 18/10/2025 18:07

Genuinely not sure if I’m in the wrong or not! Brief backstory - met my boyfriend 18 months ago. All good and very happy. We introduced our kids into it about 4 months ago. Again all good, we all get along. I have two boys aged 10 and 13, he has 2 girls similiar ages. I’m a high earner, he isn’t. This isn’t an issue, he pays his way and works hard in a job he loves- it’s a role that serves vulnerable people and he’s amazing at it. Anyway the issue is his ex (the girls’ mum). I give my boys £20 each a week pocket money. Once we all started spending time together as a family, I started giving the same to the girls. They’re all sensible ish with the money. They spend it on shit on Roblox but they all save too. The mum only found out when the girls brought her a £50 birthday present and she asked where they got the money from. She’s gone mad about it- saying I’m trying to buy their love and that it’s too much money for their ages. She has demanded that I stop. What do you think?

OP posts:
Pilfer · 18/10/2025 20:36

sohappens · 18/10/2025 20:30

I’m not ignoring them- just no one has said anything of note

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Not one single person has given you any genuinely useful advice?

Pilfer · 18/10/2025 20:35

sohappens · 18/10/2025 20:26

Thanks for that input.

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It shouldn’t be about you taking this personally though, it should be about the girls. It’s actually a really hard thing to do, to put the kids first, it’s not about your ego. I mean the word ego, in the true sense of it, not as an insult. It’s human to want to think of yourself as a kind person doing nice things, but in this situation, it’s not as simple as that. It’s about them.

TSMWEL · 18/10/2025 20:35

sohappens · 18/10/2025 19:54

And I’m happy to do so.

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Ok but you do concede then that you are supporting him financially? I know on the surface it doesn’t look like it, but you are. If you’re happy to, then that’s fine but that’s still what’s going on.

You also didn’t answer my question, how many of the 16 weeks that you’ve known these girls have you been giving them money? It might be a clue as to why their mum (addict or not) isn’t pleased.

At this point you are a relative stranger, 18m is a new relationship and 4 months is VERY new for meeting someone’s kids. As I said in my first reply, I appreciate you are trying to be kind but you are not anywhere near a step parent unless you’ve missed out the part where you got married last week and you actually live together.

I say this with the best of intentions for you and those girls, please consider the implications of being so financially involved so soon.

Original poster
sohappens · 18/10/2025 20:30

GlastoNinja · 18/10/2025 20:29

You’re just ignoring the step parents who think you are unreasonable and this is a useful excuse for that

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I’m not ignoring them- just no one has said anything of note

OP posts:
GlastoNinja · 18/10/2025 20:29

sohappens · 18/10/2025 20:22

I realise that now! Thanks x

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You’re just ignoring the step parents who think you are unreasonable and this is a useful excuse for that

Original poster
sohappens · 18/10/2025 20:26

Silverbirchleaf · 18/10/2025 20:26

She’s hardly a step mum. She only met the girls four months ago, and is not living with their dad.

Thanks for that input.

OP posts:
Silverbirchleaf · 18/10/2025 20:26

She’s hardly a step mum. She only met the girls four months ago, and is not living with their dad.

Original poster
sohappens · 18/10/2025 20:22

Idontjetwashthefucker · 18/10/2025 20:21

Any idea why she starting taking drugs?

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weight loss initially is what she said to my BF.

OP posts:
Borethefuckoff · 18/10/2025 20:22

sohappens · 18/10/2025 20:14

Course I can! She gets pissed off about a lot of things though- does that mean I have to do what she says every time she gets pissed off? She was pissed off that her daughter has gone vegan and we are supporting her and providing vegan food, she was pissed off because we called the police when we found bag remnants between the pages of a book her daughter brought to my house.

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You don’t need to do anything about the face she’s pissed off. I’m just saying…
Clearly she has her issues but even someone without issues would find £20 a week for a step child a lot so she’s clearly going to be more offended given she’s skint!

Original poster
sohappens · 18/10/2025 20:22

Ignored124 · 18/10/2025 20:19

Mumsnet hates step parents or anyone in that role OP. The replies on this thread are a joke .

I realise that now! Thanks x

OP posts:
Idontjetwashthefucker · 18/10/2025 20:21

sohappens · 18/10/2025 20:17

My addiction was over 20 years ago - I can’t imagine anything worse than using again. I mentioned it as I empathise with her. She’s well into her 40s and only started using a few years ago. It’s really sad

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Any idea why she starting taking drugs?

Ignored124 · 18/10/2025 20:19

Mumsnet hates step parents or anyone in that role OP. The replies on this thread are a joke .

Original poster
sohappens · 18/10/2025 20:17

anytipswelcome · 18/10/2025 20:15

While it’s admirable you’ve got clean, it’s a bit concerning that he’s gone from being with an addict and presumably seeing the damage they cause to their nearest and dearest (in his case two vulnerable children who have had a very confusing few years due to their mum being an addict, moving in with him full time etc) to being with an ex addict.

It doesn’t seem like a very wise decision due to the risk of relapse - I’m not saying in any way that I think you’ll be one of the ex addicts who returns to drugs at some point but due to the relapse rate being high, you’d think after everything his kids have been through with their mum he would have been extra cautious, even more so than most people.

I really hope you can all keep things calm now for a good long while and not introduce any more big changes like moving in together for a few years. They deserve to have a calm, stable home with their dad so he can fully focus on them (as their mum hasn’t done so) rather than having to also adjust to being part of a blended family when they’ve finally settled down as a three with their dad.

My addiction was over 20 years ago - I can’t imagine anything worse than using again. I mentioned it as I empathise with her. She’s well into her 40s and only started using a few years ago. It’s really sad

OP posts:
anytipswelcome · 18/10/2025 20:15

While it’s admirable you’ve got clean, it’s a bit concerning that he’s gone from being with an addict and presumably seeing the damage they cause to their nearest and dearest (in his case two vulnerable children who have had a very confusing few years due to their mum being an addict, moving in with him full time etc) to being with an ex addict.

It doesn’t seem like a very wise decision due to the risk of relapse - I’m not saying in any way that I think you’ll be one of the ex addicts who returns to drugs at some point but due to the relapse rate being high, you’d think after everything his kids have been through with their mum he would have been extra cautious, even more so than most people.

I really hope you can all keep things calm now for a good long while and not introduce any more big changes like moving in together for a few years. They deserve to have a calm, stable home with their dad so he can fully focus on them (as their mum hasn’t done so) rather than having to also adjust to being part of a blended family when they’ve finally settled down as a three with their dad.

Original poster
sohappens · 18/10/2025 20:14

Borethefuckoff · 18/10/2025 20:11

£20 is a lot for their age
She can’t give them that so she’s jealous
Can’t you see why that might piss get off?!

Course I can! She gets pissed off about a lot of things though- does that mean I have to do what she says every time she gets pissed off? She was pissed off that her daughter has gone vegan and we are supporting her and providing vegan food, she was pissed off because we called the police when we found bag remnants between the pages of a book her daughter brought to my house.

OP posts:
Borethefuckoff · 18/10/2025 20:11

£20 is a lot for their age
She can’t give them that so she’s jealous
Can’t you see why that might piss get off?!

Pilfer · 18/10/2025 20:06

sohappens · 18/10/2025 20:01

Because no one has really said anything that’s made me think i’m doing anything wrong. I don’t use Mumsnet often and I wasn’t aware of the blatant stepmum hatred! Thanks to all
of the people who can see that I’m just trying to be kind to these girls. Their mum chooses gear over them and while I don’t blame the mum for her addiction- the end result is the same and if I can treat these girls then why the hell not. As one of the other posters have said- mum can have a say when she chooses the girls over drugs.

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There’s lots of stepmums on here but honestly, you’re just their dad’s new girlfriend at this point. You are in a very complex situation and it’s going to be hard to be involved in their lives when they presumably have been through trauma. Even without the trauma, you are very, very new within their lives.

Obviously, I hope it works out well for you all. Perhaps if you’re really set on this, you could give their dad the money to give to them. Kindness doesn’t have to mean money, it can just be being a reliable presence in their lives.

Original poster
sohappens · 18/10/2025 20:02

Blueberry911 · 18/10/2025 19:59

I wouldn't want a stranger giving my child £20 a week to fritter away. That's a ridiculous amount of pocket money at their age and they don't even know you. So strange.

I wouldn’t want a stranger giving my kids money either. A brilliant point, very well made.

OP posts:
Original poster
sohappens · 18/10/2025 20:01

Pilfer · 18/10/2025 19:57

It’s not the anonymity, it’s the intention. You know, you put in your OP that you’re ’genuinely not sure if I’m in the wrong or not.’ But you sound very sure of yourself in every reply. Genuinely wish the best of luck to you and those girls.

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Because no one has really said anything that’s made me think i’m doing anything wrong. I don’t use Mumsnet often and I wasn’t aware of the blatant stepmum hatred! Thanks to all
of the people who can see that I’m just trying to be kind to these girls. Their mum chooses gear over them and while I don’t blame the mum for her addiction- the end result is the same and if I can treat these girls then why the hell not. As one of the other posters have said- mum can have a say when she chooses the girls over drugs.

OP posts:
Blueberry911 · 18/10/2025 19:59

I wouldn't want a stranger giving my child £20 a week to fritter away. That's a ridiculous amount of pocket money at their age and they don't even know you. So strange.

Pilfer · 18/10/2025 19:57

sohappens · 18/10/2025 19:53

The thread is anonymised. This is what Mumsnet chat is for, no?

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It’s not the anonymity, it’s the intention. You know, you put in your OP that you’re ’genuinely not sure if I’m in the wrong or not.’ But you sound very sure of yourself in every reply. Genuinely wish the best of luck to you and those girls.

Wadadli · 18/10/2025 19:56

sohappens · 18/10/2025 18:26

Yeah but it does matter- I’m asking for opinions

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The girls’ mother is threatened by your generosity. I’d buy them decent Christmas and birthday gifts instead, and slip them the odd fiver/tenner now and again

You sound great! 💐

Mewling · 18/10/2025 19:55

Pilfer · 18/10/2025 19:52

The ‘addict ex’ was a major drip feed and I’d say, based on this, these kids have clearly been through an immense amount. If I was their dad’s ’just introduced to them’ girlfriend I’d be treading extremely lightly so as not to put them in a conflicting or temporary situation again. I’d likely not be posting on Mumsnet about their mother, her addiction and arguing with people about the pocket money situation and telling people they’re just jealous about my money situation. Maybe that’s just me though.

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It’s definitely not just you.

Original poster
sohappens · 18/10/2025 19:54

TSMWEL · 18/10/2025 19:53

You. You said he can’t afford to give his own kids pocket money, therefore you are funding him to the tune of £40 a week. You are providing something for his kids that he can’t afford. If he could afford it, would you also be giving them £20 a week each? No.

Please, for how many of the 16 weeks that you have known them have you been giving them money?

I appreciate that what you are doing could be coming from a place of kindness. But ultimately I would have waited until you properly blended families and finances so that there wasn’t this huge discrepancy in income between the two of you and pocket money came from you both as a parental unit. If you don’t have any intention of doing that then I don’t think you should be providing for his kids in this way.

As an aside, my early teen DC get £5 a week basic pocket money and can earn more for chores. That way they always have some spends but they are learning to work for money at the same time.

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And I’m happy to do so.

OP posts:
Original poster
sohappens · 18/10/2025 19:53

Pilfer · 18/10/2025 19:52

The ‘addict ex’ was a major drip feed and I’d say, based on this, these kids have clearly been through an immense amount. If I was their dad’s ’just introduced to them’ girlfriend I’d be treading extremely lightly so as not to put them in a conflicting or temporary situation again. I’d likely not be posting on Mumsnet about their mother, her addiction and arguing with people about the pocket money situation and telling people they’re just jealous about my money situation. Maybe that’s just me though.

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The thread is anonymised. This is what Mumsnet chat is for, no?

OP posts:
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