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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to spend on my ‘step’ daughters?

360 replies

sohappens · 18/10/2025 18:07

Genuinely not sure if I’m in the wrong or not! Brief backstory - met my boyfriend 18 months ago. All good and very happy. We introduced our kids into it about 4 months ago. Again all good, we all get along. I have two boys aged 10 and 13, he has 2 girls similiar ages. I’m a high earner, he isn’t. This isn’t an issue, he pays his way and works hard in a job he loves- it’s a role that serves vulnerable people and he’s amazing at it. Anyway the issue is his ex (the girls’ mum). I give my boys £20 each a week pocket money. Once we all started spending time together as a family, I started giving the same to the girls. They’re all sensible ish with the money. They spend it on shit on Roblox but they all save too. The mum only found out when the girls brought her a £50 birthday present and she asked where they got the money from. She’s gone mad about it- saying I’m trying to buy their love and that it’s too much money for their ages. She has demanded that I stop. What do you think?

OP posts:
MammarOfOne · 18/10/2025 21:08

I love the people saying that you’re not a family after 18 months, how long do you have to wait?

I married my husband 6 months after we met and he definitely met my children before the wedding 😂

We’ve been married almost 15 years and he’s more of a father to my kids than their biological dad, in fact he gained PR over them after 11 months, which is more than their biological father had (his choice).

Not everyone is the devil and just because you may have had a bad experience or your husband left and the kids prefer his wife, don’t take it out on people who just want to be nice to kids who you’re going to be living with.

Original poster
sohappens · 18/10/2025 21:00

Pilfer · 18/10/2025 20:58

As has been said a number of times, you’ve only known these girls for a few months and it’s likely they have quite a bit of trauma given what you’ve told us about their mother.

Obviously, I’m sure you’re hoping to be in their lives for the long run, but it’s very early days for you. Any situation that creates more change in these girls’s lives is probably not in their best interests.

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But then we’d never do anything… no holidays I. Case we split up, no days out I. Case we split up. As parents who have made the decision to mix our family we have to be confident in our ability to mage the situation if the worst happened. To be honest the girls would most likely be more upset about losing me and my boys than the pocket money

OP posts:
Original poster
sohappens · 18/10/2025 20:59

GAJLY · 18/10/2025 20:57

If she isn't the main carer then ask the main carer if he is okay with it. If he agrees then carry on as normal. If be thinks it's too much then reduce everyone's to £10 per week.

If their dad has a problem with it, or asked for it to stop then I would stop immediately

OP posts:
Pilfer · 18/10/2025 20:58

sohappens · 18/10/2025 20:55

Why is their wellbeing at risk?

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As has been said a number of times, you’ve only known these girls for a few months and it’s likely they have quite a bit of trauma given what you’ve told us about their mother.

Obviously, I’m sure you’re hoping to be in their lives for the long run, but it’s very early days for you. Any situation that creates more change in these girls’s lives is probably not in their best interests.

GAJLY · 18/10/2025 20:57

If she isn't the main carer then ask the main carer if he is okay with it. If he agrees then carry on as normal. If be thinks it's too much then reduce everyone's to £10 per week.

Original poster
sohappens · 18/10/2025 20:56

SheSaidHummingbird · 18/10/2025 20:51

@sohappens Mum doesn't have the means to be as generous, and I'm sure you can imagine this might make her feel a bit 'threatened' for want of a better word. You sound like a lovely, generous woman, but it seems as though you are underestimating how well off you are.

£80 a week on pocket money for the kids? Some people don't have that much money to spend on everything.

I appreciate that- and I’ve been broke before so I have perspective. But I can afford it now

OP posts:
ARichtGoodDram · 18/10/2025 20:55

I can spoil the girls a bit while he can’t then why not?

Because you should be considering the bigger picture of the potential major impact of your short relationship with them going wrong.

You should, as an adult in their life, be being considerate of the fact they've already had a lot of turmoil in their lives and minimising any potential future impact of you leaving their lives. Not taking a parental role (which giving pocket money absolutely is - it's something parents or grandparents do) after a matter of weeks.

Original poster
sohappens · 18/10/2025 20:55

Pilfer · 18/10/2025 20:54

And nothing that anyone has said has made you consider, just at least consider, even if discounted, that this might not just be about the pocket money when considering their well-being?

And do you think that people that are saying these things all have a nasty ulterior motive, or that just possibly we might be trying to give a little objective advice, given it’s often easier to do that from the outside.

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Why is their wellbeing at risk?

OP posts:
Original poster
sohappens · 18/10/2025 20:55

ARichtGoodDram · 18/10/2025 20:53

I’ve been giving them pocket money for about ten weeks ish now I would say

You've been giving children you met four months ago pocket money for more than two months... and you cannot see why people think that is inappropriate and far, far too soon?

Not really no. And it’s 57% of the replies that think I’m AIBU. The other 43% think it’s fine.

OP posts:
Pilfer · 18/10/2025 20:54

sohappens · 18/10/2025 20:37

No one has said anything that has made me think I should stop giving the girls pocket money

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And nothing that anyone has said has made you consider, just at least consider, even if discounted, that this might not just be about the pocket money when considering their well-being?

And do you think that people that are saying these things all have a nasty ulterior motive, or that just possibly we might be trying to give a little objective advice, given it’s often easier to do that from the outside.

Original poster
sohappens · 18/10/2025 20:54

GlastoNinja · 18/10/2025 20:50

I’m sorry to be blunt but nothing seems to be connecting with you. You’re role playing this and there’s no point anyone trying to have a reasonable discussion with you because it’s all about you and your fantasy life.

This is risky for the kids and they should be the priority

my “fantasy life” ? Explain

OP posts:
ARichtGoodDram · 18/10/2025 20:53

I’ve been giving them pocket money for about ten weeks ish now I would say

You've been giving children you met four months ago pocket money for more than two months... and you cannot see why people think that is inappropriate and far, far too soon?

Original poster
sohappens · 18/10/2025 20:53

TSMWEL · 18/10/2025 20:45

It’s not, because you’re not their step mum you are their dad’s gf who has known them a matter of weeks.

It’s lovely you care about them. It’s lovely that you want to be “fair”. But please consider some of the wider implications of what you’re doing (and I’m not even talking about what their mum thinks). The fact that your partner hasn’t stopped to consider how he would keep up the level of pocket money that you have accustomed them to if you were to split, for instance, is concerning. It’s not something I would ever have allowed for my kids from their step dad at such an early stage in our relationship.

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No, but I’m in the category for bashing. I used the term “step” daughter in the title for brevity. I’m not trying to be their mum- I’m very much their dad’s girlfriend. BUT- I think they’re awesome. They are lovely and kind and all 4 kids like each other. It could all go horribly wrong I get that , but now, it’s working and we’re happy. Considering their lives exploded when they were 4 and 8 , they are well adjusted and coping with a shitty situation - and this is down to their dad being a really great guy. He’s never once said anything negative to the girls about their mum. She ruined him. Mentally and financially. He’s nearly paid off their mortgage and she remortgaged behind his back, took loans out in joint names and so much more. He’s recovering from the financial abuse and if I can spoil the girls a bit while he can’t then why not?

OP posts:
SheSaidHummingbird · 18/10/2025 20:51

@sohappens Mum doesn't have the means to be as generous, and I'm sure you can imagine this might make her feel a bit 'threatened' for want of a better word. You sound like a lovely, generous woman, but it seems as though you are underestimating how well off you are.

£80 a week on pocket money for the kids? Some people don't have that much money to spend on everything.

GlastoNinja · 18/10/2025 20:50

I’m sorry to be blunt but nothing seems to be connecting with you. You’re role playing this and there’s no point anyone trying to have a reasonable discussion with you because it’s all about you and your fantasy life.

This is risky for the kids and they should be the priority

TSMWEL · 18/10/2025 20:45

sohappens · 18/10/2025 20:37

I think it is one of those times.

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It’s not, because you’re not their step mum you are their dad’s gf who has known them a matter of weeks.

It’s lovely you care about them. It’s lovely that you want to be “fair”. But please consider some of the wider implications of what you’re doing (and I’m not even talking about what their mum thinks). The fact that your partner hasn’t stopped to consider how he would keep up the level of pocket money that you have accustomed them to if you were to split, for instance, is concerning. It’s not something I would ever have allowed for my kids from their step dad at such an early stage in our relationship.

Ignored124 · 18/10/2025 20:44

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 18/10/2025 19:23

I cannot understand the replies on here. The girls live with their dad. Their mum is on drugs and contributes nothing financially and barely anything practically. Op treats them to £20 per week, as she does her own two, and from that these lovely girls living in a shitty situation are learning to spend some, save enough to buy their mum a decent present, and donate to charity.

They are learning financial responsibility. Op can do it without stretching herself and is fine with it. These girls might just break the cycle. People should wind their necks in.

I totally agree . Also people are very disparaging about dads ‘girlfriend’. Heaven forbid she became a wife. Don’t forget if she has his children (the kids siblings )they will be just some ‘random child’ they didn’t ask for ,born to disrupt their lives .

Original poster
sohappens · 18/10/2025 20:42

MagnaICe · 18/10/2025 20:41

I see you do want to do good, but it is too much money, for kids you just met. May be their mother has another financial plan and finance educational plan for them....please, leave that situation alone and back off.

She’s a drug addict who is meant to have her kids every other weekend,and that has to be with the grandmother present. She manages once a month, on average. There’s no plan; financial, educational or anything else!

OP posts:
MagnaICe · 18/10/2025 20:41

I see you do want to do good, but it is too much money, for kids you just met. May be their mother has another financial plan and finance educational plan for them....please, leave that situation alone and back off.

Original poster
sohappens · 18/10/2025 20:40

TSMWEL · 18/10/2025 20:35

Ok but you do concede then that you are supporting him financially? I know on the surface it doesn’t look like it, but you are. If you’re happy to, then that’s fine but that’s still what’s going on.

You also didn’t answer my question, how many of the 16 weeks that you’ve known these girls have you been giving them money? It might be a clue as to why their mum (addict or not) isn’t pleased.

At this point you are a relative stranger, 18m is a new relationship and 4 months is VERY new for meeting someone’s kids. As I said in my first reply, I appreciate you are trying to be kind but you are not anywhere near a step parent unless you’ve missed out the part where you got married last week and you actually live together.

I say this with the best of intentions for you and those girls, please consider the implications of being so financially involved so soon.

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I give the girls pocket money- other than that we split 50/50 days out , meals etc .

I’ve been giving them pocket money for about ten weeks ish now I would say

OP posts:
Original poster
sohappens · 18/10/2025 20:39

Pilfer · 18/10/2025 20:35

It shouldn’t be about you taking this personally though, it should be about the girls. It’s actually a really hard thing to do, to put the kids first, it’s not about your ego. I mean the word ego, in the true sense of it, not as an insult. It’s human to want to think of yourself as a kind person doing nice things, but in this situation, it’s not as simple as that. It’s about them.

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It is that simple though. I do it because I care about them. Simple.

OP posts:
Original poster
sohappens · 18/10/2025 20:37

GlastoNinja · 18/10/2025 20:37

Many, many people have pointed out that you are not their step mum. Your hope that you have a future with their dad does not make you a step parent. You are their dad’s girlfriend and you are massively overstepping the boundaries.

The fact that you are choosing to ignore that doesn’t mean it isn’t an important issue, it means you don’t want to hear it.

And you’re using the old trope of ‘mumsnet hates stepmums ‘ when (although it’s true at times), this is not one of those times.

I think it is one of those times.

OP posts:
Original poster
sohappens · 18/10/2025 20:37

Pilfer · 18/10/2025 20:36

Not one single person has given you any genuinely useful advice?

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No one has said anything that has made me think I should stop giving the girls pocket money

OP posts:
GlastoNinja · 18/10/2025 20:37

Many, many people have pointed out that you are not their step mum. Your hope that you have a future with their dad does not make you a step parent. You are their dad’s girlfriend and you are massively overstepping the boundaries.

The fact that you are choosing to ignore that doesn’t mean it isn’t an important issue, it means you don’t want to hear it.

And you’re using the old trope of ‘mumsnet hates stepmums ‘ when (although it’s true at times), this is not one of those times.

TSMWEL · 18/10/2025 20:36

I’ll add, I’m a step parent and we have a blended family.