AIBU to spend on my ‘step’ daughters?

Just some Qs / thoughts:

Would you continue to give them the pocket money if you and their dad split up?

I don't know if it's right to completely dismiss their mum's wishes on account of her addiction. If she has them every other weekend then is she not deemed to have some level of capacity or safety?

If she's really so bad is there a danger she could access their money?

I think at this point - at every point- it's best to think about the kids. They are now in the middle of their mum's upset about this, your wishes, and of course their own feelings about it all. What is the way forward that centres the girls?

Their dad (who you barely acknowledge), who they live with doesn't have an issue with it so why should anyone else? It's pocket money, that's all. It's very clear that the mum is not good or sensible at making decisions. Mum just has to suck it up.

I mean we could all say so what to the majority of questions or scenarios posted here! People have tried to explain to the OP why they might have an issue with it if they were the mum, or why it could be seen as overstepping, or why they feel £20 a week is a huge amount for a 10 year old. The OP has decided none of those reasons are valid, which is her prerogative.
So so what indeed. It doesn't affect me, or any other posters, what the OP does. It might affect the kids in question, it might affect their mum but if she doesn't care about that then obviously no-one else needs to.
My post that you quoted was just adding what I felt was relevant context, that if all the kids end up living as a family together then pocket money parity would feel sensible, but that coming from dads girlfriend who has known the kids for four months, who doesn't live with them, when one of their parents isn't happy, does feel like overstepping her current position in their lives.

So what? It's a bit of pocket money which their father has approved. What on earth is the big deal?

This is the worst thread I've seen for 'step-mum' bashing. It's ridiculous. And the people giving their 13yo a fiver a week pocket money? Do your teenagers never go out with friends? A fiver wouldn't pay for their day out, bus fares, a bite to eat, and a few treats. People are also ignoring the fact that the DC are saving some of their money as well, not spending the whole lot on Roblox. Mumsnet really is a cesspit sometimes.

They aren't living with the OP pretty much full time though. The OP doesn't live with their dad yet. I think if this was a fully blended family situation then the responses would have been different but the OP only met the girls for the first time in June and she and her boys don't live with the girls and their dad.

I agree - she sounds very naive, and is being rather stubborn here. Not sure why she posted if she's so utterly convinced she's right. I don't necessarily think that (in this case) mum's disapproval is the main issue here - OP is trying too hard and moving things too fast, and I also give a share of blame in this to the dad, because he should be taking more responsibility for ensuring things move more slowly and gradually given everything his girls appear to have been through. Spending every weekend with a new partner and their kids after 4 months is a lot. When do they get time with their dad?

I'm inclined to try and be compassionate to a degree though because IME new partners/stepmums often can't do right for doing wrong. She is at least sensitive to the potential issues that may be caused by treating the kids differently, I'll give her that.

OP just sounds like a massive idiot if I'm honest.

When was the last time you saw an actual groomer and abuser of children post in AIBU on MN? Not usually part of the MO if you are actually grooming kids to ask strangers if giving them £20 a week pocket money is unreasonable.

OP sounds generous but a bit short sighted/misguided as to the potential repercussions and is clearly not a fan of the kids' mum, which sounds understandable in the context, as long as she's not leaking her poor opinions to the children. But that doesn't mean she is automatically grooming these kids for sexual exploitation, for fucks sake. It's a very nasty thing to accuse someone of without a shred of evidence - and no, being overly generous with money isn't evidence.

Giving excessive money to children you don't know is a sign of grooming, actually.

I don't see the issue that so many are protesting about here.

While it is a relatively short relationship, the OP and her partner clearly see it being for the long term. OP speaks highly of her DP and his devotion to his low paying but socially important job.

The girls' mum in theory has them EOW, but in practice it's often only once a month. The rest of the time they are with OP and her DP. So their father should have the main say in how they are treated. If he sees no problem that should be it.

Yes £20 a week is a lot. But OP can clearly afford it. The girls are responsible with the money, they don't waste it all. And when they live there basically full time I completely understand that OP wants to treat them equally with her own sons. I think to treat the girls differently would be unfair.

I wonder if the addict mum is just jealous that they have that money that she would like to spend on drugs.

Oh don't be so vile. Nobody is grooming anybody here. No need to use words like that.

You’re over stepping. I wouldn’t want my young kids having access to that amount.

@TheyRepulseMe What is it you think she is trying to groom then into doing?

OP if you agreed this with the dad then you did nothing wrong. I agree with others that it’s too much though. DD16 gets 20 a week to budget her college lunches etc.

Apart from that I’ll give you some advice.
Ive been a lone parent and high earner for 15 years. Partner and I only just bought/blended after 5 years together.

We waited because teen years are hard and we waited for a really good moment.
I think a little pocket money, holidays together etc are a good way to build trust and relationships but take it slow.

You must be very uncaring if you can't see why. You keep asking this same question!
Their Mum might not be able to give the same amount and you are trying to out do her.

Did the OP stop trying to groom her boyfriends kids yet?

I don't quite get why OP is getting such a kicking on this thread, or why everyone is paying so little attention to their dad's right to make decisions about his own kids in the time he has them!

But what really puzzles me is how little everyone gives their kids!

I understand if money is tight, you can't afford to give them much and that's fair enough. But it sounds like a lot of you just don't believe in giving kids much spending money, even teenagers, as a point of principle. Can I ask why?

I saw one lady suggested £4.55 for a 13 year old. My 13 year old isn't a social butterfly particularly, but I would say she goes out with friends on average once a week, I think that is normal! If she only had £4.55 a week that would basically be gone at McDonald's or wherever they go for food/drinks when she sees her friend.

It would take her two weeks of no spending to save up for a book.

If she wanted say a t-shirt from HMV or something, she would literally have to save and spend nothing else for over a month.....

People mention spending £20 on sweets or toys - but teenagers don't, do they? They go out with friends, they buy books, music, clothes, makeup. All normal healthy teenage expenses.

I just don't understand how your teenagers are doing life on such little amounts? Maybe you prefer to buy them most stuff yourselves?

But that isn't giving much autonomy or teaching them much about budgeting and money.

Which is wonderful, and you're so thoughtful and generous to share that with the kids. I saw upthread that you seemed confused as to why some posters were reacting as they were.

Agreed

You are trying to buy their affection and make them like you

They aren’t your children!!! THAT is why you are being unreasonable!! You don’t go giving other peoples children £160 a month without the parents permission! It’s a really weird thing to think that it is acceptable to normal to harm over hundreds of pounds a month to children who aren’t yours

She doesn’t want to respect the mother. She wants to show how much better than the mother she is. How the mother takes drugs and can’t provide for her children while she, the OP, is rich and oh so generous!

‘Genuinely not sure if I’m wrong or not’
oh but if you think I am you’re all jealous of me because I’m rich!
🤑

‘It’s my love language’ 🤣🤣🤣