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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to spend on my ‘step’ daughters?

360 replies

sohappens · 18/10/2025 18:07

Genuinely not sure if I’m in the wrong or not! Brief backstory - met my boyfriend 18 months ago. All good and very happy. We introduced our kids into it about 4 months ago. Again all good, we all get along. I have two boys aged 10 and 13, he has 2 girls similiar ages. I’m a high earner, he isn’t. This isn’t an issue, he pays his way and works hard in a job he loves- it’s a role that serves vulnerable people and he’s amazing at it. Anyway the issue is his ex (the girls’ mum). I give my boys £20 each a week pocket money. Once we all started spending time together as a family, I started giving the same to the girls. They’re all sensible ish with the money. They spend it on shit on Roblox but they all save too. The mum only found out when the girls brought her a £50 birthday present and she asked where they got the money from. She’s gone mad about it- saying I’m trying to buy their love and that it’s too much money for their ages. She has demanded that I stop. What do you think?

OP posts:
ObliviousCoalmine · 18/10/2025 18:30

You’re not going to get reasonable responses in the main because of who you are in the family.

£20 a week is ‘too much’ to some people and fine for others. If it’s fine for you then that’s your decision.

I’m a step mum and my daughter has a step mum and I cannot fathom why what you’ve suggested is an issue. The more people positively supporting and engaging with my child the better.

KissMyArt · 18/10/2025 18:30

sohappens · 18/10/2025 18:28

They’re not. She can barely support herself - dad covers everything

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Well he clearly doesn't cover their pocket money.

You've no need to be getting involved.

They're not your kids, you hardly know them and they don't even live with you.

Let their dad sort out their pocket money, it has nothing to do with how much your give your own kids.

Financeisfun · 18/10/2025 18:30

Why do they need so much money? I'm a high earner and don't give my DS 15 that much.

Burningbud1981 · 18/10/2025 18:30

And you are basically some random woman giving the children £100 a month. Stop

DaisyChain505 · 18/10/2025 18:30

If their own Dad can’t afford to give his children pocket money, that’s the issue I’d be focusing on.

I would be mortified letting my girlfriend/boyfriend of just over a year give my kids £40 a week whilst I stood by smiling.

  1. This is a far too big amount for weekly pocket money.
  2. This is not your responsibility and it doesn’t matter that you want to do it, their Dad should have said no and that it’s his responsibility.
Sausagemash · 18/10/2025 18:30

Diarygirlqueen · 18/10/2025 18:26

Respect their mums wishes, get a good relationship going from the start. You really don't want to die on this hill.
If she is the main carer, I would definitely agree with her terms, I would be livid if my ex partners girlfriend started giving my children this amount of money each week. You are overstepping.

I agree. Because you’ve started a weekly routine and the mum hasn’t been involved, it’s unnecessary, their dad and mum decide what they get and when surely.

Tetchypants · 18/10/2025 18:30

sohappens · 18/10/2025 18:27

She isn’t the main carer. He is. She has them every other weekend.

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Perhaps it would be better if their pocket money came from their dad (via you if necessary, but they don’t need to know that).

£80 a month at that age is a LOT, I hope they’re doing chores and earning it.

Original poster
sohappens · 18/10/2025 18:29

KissMyArt · 18/10/2025 18:28

I think she's right.

You've known them 4 months - they are not your 'step daughters'.

Their pocket money should be decided and paid to them by their dad.

I know that. Hence the “ “ around step

OP posts:
Dinosweetpea · 18/10/2025 18:29

My 13 yo gets £10 a month. What you are giving is a lot but very kind/generous.

Burningbud1981 · 18/10/2025 18:29

sohappens · 18/10/2025 18:26

Yeah but it does matter- I’m asking for opinions

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£100 a month is a lot of money for kids who’s parents are still paying for their main expenses such as clothes and who aren’t going anywhere. It’s very nice that you want to treat them the same but mum ( and rightly so ) has said no and that should be end of it. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. And I can’t believe that you as a mum of 2 can’t see why she’s made that decision

JLou08 · 18/10/2025 18:28

I'd respect the mums wishes. Some people will be very uncomfortable with children being given gifts and money as it's associated with grooming.

jokkkshfjjf · 18/10/2025 18:28

sohappens · 18/10/2025 18:24

Yes but why?? Everyone is saying it’s too much but why is it too much? x

Edited

Because it’s £80 a month. A 10 year old doesn’t need £80 a month, they haven’t earned it, it could breed entitled behaviour. What happens if you break up? Is the mum expected to pay £160 a month in pocket money, or see her daughters disappointed?

My children are older than yours, we are a high income family and we don’t pay that much, we’d rather save the money for their future, they get a smaller amount for spends. It’s a parental decision, you’re overstepping (but I do think it’s lovely you’re trying to treat them equally, perhaps channel it another way, in days out or something).

Original poster
sohappens · 18/10/2025 18:28

Sausagemash · 18/10/2025 18:27

its a lot for preteens, especially if they are getting some from their own mum.

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They’re not. She can barely support herself - dad covers everything

OP posts:
caringcarer · 18/10/2025 18:28

I think you are being very generous in treating DC equally. I would suggest at 10 though that at least half must be saved each week. I can see if all 4 DC are together it would be difficult if your DC have money and partners DC don't.

KissMyArt · 18/10/2025 18:28

I think she's right.

You've known them 4 months - they are not your 'step daughters'.

Their pocket money should be decided and paid to them by their dad.

Original poster
sohappens · 18/10/2025 18:27

Diarygirlqueen · 18/10/2025 18:26

Respect their mums wishes, get a good relationship going from the start. You really don't want to die on this hill.
If she is the main carer, I would definitely agree with her terms, I would be livid if my ex partners girlfriend started giving my children this amount of money each week. You are overstepping.

Livid? Really? Why?

OP posts:
Sausagemash · 18/10/2025 18:27

sohappens · 18/10/2025 18:24

Yes but why?? Everyone is saying it’s too much but why is it too much? x

Edited

its a lot for preteens, especially if they are getting some from their own mum.

Original poster
sohappens · 18/10/2025 18:27

Diarygirlqueen · 18/10/2025 18:26

Respect their mums wishes, get a good relationship going from the start. You really don't want to die on this hill.
If she is the main carer, I would definitely agree with her terms, I would be livid if my ex partners girlfriend started giving my children this amount of money each week. You are overstepping.

She isn’t the main carer. He is. She has them every other weekend.

OP posts:
Original poster
sohappens · 18/10/2025 18:26

Jellybunny56 · 18/10/2025 18:25

It doesn’t matter why we think it’s too much, or why you don’t think so, their MUM thinks so. That is literally all that matters. You’re not their parent, you thought you were being kind but their actual parent is not happy with that so that’s the end of it.

Show quote history

Yeah but it does matter- I’m asking for opinions

OP posts:
Diarygirlqueen · 18/10/2025 18:26

Respect their mums wishes, get a good relationship going from the start. You really don't want to die on this hill.
If she is the main carer, I would definitely agree with her terms, I would be livid if my ex partners girlfriend started giving my children this amount of money each week. You are overstepping.

Original poster
sohappens · 18/10/2025 18:26

ShenandoahRiver · 18/10/2025 18:25

You have only known them 4 months and you are giving them £20 a week each!
I can very well understand why their mother is not pleased.

But WHY???

OP posts:
Jellybunny56 · 18/10/2025 18:25

sohappens · 18/10/2025 18:24

Yes but why?? Everyone is saying it’s too much but why is it too much? x

Edited

It doesn’t matter why we think it’s too much, or why you don’t think so, their MUM thinks so. That is literally all that matters. You’re not their parent, you thought you were being kind but their actual parent is not happy with that so that’s the end of it.

Original poster
sohappens · 18/10/2025 18:25

ComfortFoodCafe · 18/10/2025 18:23

£20 a week is a lot. I think you should be respectful of her wishes and at least give less.

I feel bad treating them differently from my boys though- but I also don’t want any conflict

OP posts:
ShenandoahRiver · 18/10/2025 18:25

You have only known them 4 months and you are giving them £20 a week each!
I can very well understand why their mother is not pleased.

Sausagemash · 18/10/2025 18:25

I think that’s a lot for that age. I appreciate it’s a kind gesture but i also wouldn’t like it if my DCs dad’s partner did it. Mainly because the mum will have own thoughts on teaching money at that age.

Me and my ex dh agreed the same amount (£5) to pay our DC each week, it’s nothing to do with his girlfriend, nor would I expect her to pay.