AIBU to spend on my ‘step’ daughters?

Assuming you dont live together then I think yabu.

Your not 'family' as such yet and to me its a wee bit overstepping for you to give them pocket money. Esp if the dad is a low earner and possibly pays small amounts of maintenance.

I would apologise to keep the peace.

Too much too soon. You are not their step mother and have only known that for four months. It’s also a lot of money.

Incidently, do you all live together now? If so, maybe I can see why you give them pocket money. If not, then you don’t use them anything and there’s no reason to even things up. Maybe the occasional treat when you see them, but nut regular money.

Also, kids aren't stupid either.

They'll know when dad's girlfriend or mum's boyfriend start splashing the cash, they're being bought.

Plus the mum maybe feels inferior if she struggles for money and her daughters see their dad’s new girlfriend as a provider.
unfortunately you’ve started it now so you’ll have to explain why it can’t continue.

OP, I think it’s kind and morally fair to treat them the same… however you’re not treating them the same in terms of what their own parents can match and this is why it’s too much. Their parents can’t keep up and should your relationship breakdown this will be a negative impact. At best give them £10 each and save £10 for them.

£20 is just too much (unless they are buying their own clothes etc). Why do pre teens need this much money?

The massively obvious question not being asked here, bizarrely, is what their dad thinks!

Their mom doesn't get to dictate what the dad does with his daughter on their time with him - and not does OP. If she is happy to offer the money, it is up to him whether he allows his daughter's to accept it or not.

If he wants them to, I suggest he sets up bank accounts for them each that he can manage/oversee, and keeps the cards himself and just gives them to the girls on his time with them.

That way, they have spending money for when they are out and about with your boys, but mom isn't being forced to deal with an amount of spending power she isn't happy with.

It's not actually a freakishly massive amount of money in this day and age. It would get them a book at Waterstones and a couple of Macdonalds - it's not wealth beyond anyone's wildest dreams. My daughter gets more than that from her dad (he is a lot richer than me so he covers this and I just give her cash on special occasions or as a reward occasionally) and most of her friends seem to get similar.

The amount doesn’t matter - it’s the principle. You’ve been in their life 4 months, and are not their step mother - you are their dad’s girlfriend. Pocket money is something their actual parents should discuss and agree, it has nothing to do with you. You are overstepping massively - and judging by your responses and insistence that you somehow deserve an answer beyond “they’re not your kids so respect the boundary” makes it very easy to understand why their mother is so annoyed.

Yep.

Grim.

Why would he give her child maintenance when he’s the primary carer?

I would be very grateful if I was their mother, that they are being treated equally to your children. They sound like lovely, thoughtful kids too

But what lesson IS she teaching them? That someone will hand them money if they’re shagging their dad?

If you spoke to their dad and he was ok with it then no, I don’t think their mum should be able to overrule that, especially if he’s the main resident parent.
However, I agree with PPs who think this is an odd amount and I think your reasoning is odd - you don’t want to treat them differently to your sons, but you don’t live with them right, or have combined finances with their dad? I don’t think you need to worry about treating them the same in this respect. You’re going to have different rules and different financial things (pocket money, extra curriculars etc).

Seems like OP has empathy for the girls that are in a blended situation through no choice. I think it is lovely that she is trying to treat them as equals. I don’t think she needs to have empathy for the mother in this situation particularly- she is an adult and needs to handle it maturely and try to happy for her daughters rather than bitter.

It's not their dad's girlfriend's place to teach them that.

Unless you’re teaching them good money management, understanding the importance of putting some of it into savings, etc., then you’re just handing them a pile of money that is no doubt a lot more than some of their peers will be getting, and letting them spunk it up a wall. It’s not teaching them good behaviour around money going forward.

Edited for grammar but also to add - if your relationship doesn’t stick, you’re setting them up with expectations that other people won’t be able to meet. Is that the intention, somewhat? To make yourself the best girlfriend?

It doesn’t matter.

Not your children, not your choice. That is literally it, end of story.

Well there you are. She can't afford to give them anything and there you are giving them what is a LOT of money at that age.

Are you devoid of empathy? I can't believe that you need to ask, multiple times, why she's upset and why it's too much

I think you're kind and well intended wanting all children to have the same but maybe mum can't afford this much and it's made her feel less than. It would be hard if you just want to give your kids the best of everything but can't afford it all. Perhaps have your partner speak to her and tell her it’s coming from him. She might also be annoyed it he isn't giving much child maintainence but the kids are being given money to spend on robux. Tread carefully, she is probably just feeling tender x

I think what your doing is very kind! Its good to teach kids how to manage money and to get through the "burning a hole in your pocket" phase when it doesn't matter. Plus learning to budget, how to allocate money for things you want Vs things you need etc.Money literacy in adult life seems minimal these days.

I think a lot of people saying it's too much are maybe not in the same kind of income bracket. I know lots of children who receive the same if not more as their 'pocket money'. Albeit it's usually exchange for a certain job ie empty the dishwasher each night.

I expect because they are not your children and you are not their parent. Did you make that decision without consulting?
You crossed a boundary. If I was their mother I would be upset too. It should have been discussed with both parents.

Yes and I included that punctuation.

The point here is that you shouldn't be using it with or without.

You are their dad's girlfriend.

I think the amounts about right for their ages. My DD9 gets £10 a week. Does their dad live with you? I would find it a bit odd if my exh girlfriend started giving my DD pocket money if they didn't live together, I'm not sure why.

I don't think my DP would give my DD pocket money before we lived together.