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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to spend on my ‘step’ daughters?

360 replies

sohappens · 18/10/2025 18:07

Genuinely not sure if I’m in the wrong or not! Brief backstory - met my boyfriend 18 months ago. All good and very happy. We introduced our kids into it about 4 months ago. Again all good, we all get along. I have two boys aged 10 and 13, he has 2 girls similiar ages. I’m a high earner, he isn’t. This isn’t an issue, he pays his way and works hard in a job he loves- it’s a role that serves vulnerable people and he’s amazing at it. Anyway the issue is his ex (the girls’ mum). I give my boys £20 each a week pocket money. Once we all started spending time together as a family, I started giving the same to the girls. They’re all sensible ish with the money. They spend it on shit on Roblox but they all save too. The mum only found out when the girls brought her a £50 birthday present and she asked where they got the money from. She’s gone mad about it- saying I’m trying to buy their love and that it’s too much money for their ages. She has demanded that I stop. What do you think?

OP posts:
PeonyPatch · 18/10/2025 18:49

Inappropriate amount - and respect the mother. They’re not your children unfortunately so you cannot treat them the same.

JLou08 · 18/10/2025 18:49

sohappens · 18/10/2025 18:30

Well that escalated! Im
not Grooming them don’t be silly

I never said or even thought you were. I'm giving you another perspective as you came to a public forum asking. You don't actually seem interested in other perspectives. Were you just looking for people to praise your generosity and say how wicked the mother is?

sohappens · 18/10/2025 18:48

Moonnstars · 18/10/2025 18:48

You are massively overstepping.

How would you feel if your children's dads girlfriend started giving them £30 each a week? Would you feel happy about this?

Wouldn’t bother me

OP posts:
Moonnstars · 18/10/2025 18:48

You are massively overstepping.

How would you feel if your children's dads girlfriend started giving them £30 each a week? Would you feel happy about this?

GlastoNinja · 18/10/2025 18:48

You are over stepping the boundaries of a 4 month connection with these girls. You aren’t their step mum, you are their dad’s girlfriend. Even if you were their step mum, things like pocket money should be agreed between the parents.

I’m not anti step mum, I am one, and a step grandma. We have positive relationships with mum and step dad and part of the reason is that we are respectful of each others boundaries

thepariscrimefiles · 18/10/2025 18:48

sohappens · 18/10/2025 18:39

She spends her benefits on cocaine. That’s why she can’t afford to give them anything.

She is right about it being too much money for a 10 year old though. 10 year olds don't need £40 a month. You are playing Lady Bountiful and I'm surprised that their dad is OK with it.

They do sound like lovely girls for saving the money to buy their mum a nice birthday present.

PruthePrune · 18/10/2025 18:48

You should not be giving them anything, THEY ARE NOT YOUR STEPCHILDREN.

Dancingdance · 18/10/2025 18:48

Spend your money on your own children. The girls have two parents. Don’t give them pocket money or buy them presents or pay for school trips etc. £80 a month is way too much money for pocket money.

LifeOfAShowgirl13 · 18/10/2025 18:47

sohappens · 18/10/2025 18:44

Am I sensing a bit of jealously cos I’m well off ??

No OP, jealousy occurs when you are worried that you will lose something to someone else. You mean envy.

Owly11 · 18/10/2025 18:47

sohappens · 18/10/2025 18:44

Am I sensing a bit of jealously cos I’m well off ??

The purpose of this thread is finally revealed.

sohappens · 18/10/2025 18:47

Hankunamatata · 18/10/2025 18:45

Ok so some back story would be helpful op

Do the children live with him ft?
How often do they see their mum?
What parenting role does each parent have?

The back story is through the thread. He has them like 90% of the time

OP posts:
DreamyBeaker · 18/10/2025 18:46

When I started reading this thread, I wanted to give OP the benefit of the doubt about being someone who is just genuinely kind and thoughtful. Now with the bizarre replies to posters, I think OP is just a wind up. Asking why multiple times, drip feeding with the mum cocaine nonsense. OP must have just started this thread out of boredom or rage baiting.

TheyRepulseMe · 18/10/2025 18:46

I think the best way around this is to buy them the Roblox cards, or but them the new clothes, pjs, etc for at your boyfriends house (as you said they live with dad mostly)

I understand you wanting to treat them, and it's lovely. But maybe buying them stuff instead of giving them cash is the compromise here.

tripleginandtonic · 18/10/2025 18:45

Up to their Dad in his time with them to decide. If I were their mum I'd be pleased they spent a considerable amount that you gave them on a present for me amd I'd be pleased that yoy wanted to include them.

Hankunamatata · 18/10/2025 18:45

Ok so some back story would be helpful op

Do the children live with him ft?
How often do they see their mum?
What parenting role does each parent have?

PinkArt · 18/10/2025 18:45

sohappens · 18/10/2025 18:24

Yes but why?? Everyone is saying it’s too much but why is it too much? x

Edited

I put my pocket money from around that age into an inflation calculator and it's £2.81 in today money. So fractionally over a tenth of what you're giving. And that's from my parents, who both agreed on the amount, and not from anyone's new girlfriend who'd known us for 4 months.
It's generous but it's massively overstepping with kids you barely know and even more so when one of their parents thinks - like a lot of people on this thread - that it's a huge amount of money to give kids.

ARichtGoodDram · 18/10/2025 18:44

He can’t afford regular pocket money because he pays for 100% of his kids’ expenses because their mum is an addict

This is one of the reasons you shouldn't be giving them it imo.

You've only known them a few months. What happens if you and he split up?

Treating them on a day out or when you're all away together is one thing. Setting up a regular payment to them, that they will get used to, when their parents cannot afford to continue it should you split up is a terrible idea so early on into a relationship with them.

sohappens · 18/10/2025 18:44

Am I sensing a bit of jealously cos I’m well off ??

OP posts:
Summerhillsquare · 18/10/2025 18:43

sohappens · 18/10/2025 18:25

I feel bad treating them differently from my boys though- but I also don’t want any conflict

But they ARE different. They're not your kids and you're not even married to their father.

KissMyArt · 18/10/2025 18:43

sohappens · 18/10/2025 18:39

She spends her benefits on cocaine. That’s why she can’t afford to give them anything.

Oh turn it in 🙄

sohappens · 18/10/2025 18:43

Mewling · 18/10/2025 18:42

Sure she does. Good luck OP, hope this blended family malarkey works out for you.

Aw thanks 💕

OP posts:
sohappens · 18/10/2025 18:42

DaisyChain505 · 18/10/2025 18:30

If their own Dad can’t afford to give his children pocket money, that’s the issue I’d be focusing on.

I would be mortified letting my girlfriend/boyfriend of just over a year give my kids £40 a week whilst I stood by smiling.

  1. This is a far too big amount for weekly pocket money.
  2. This is not your responsibility and it doesn’t matter that you want to do it, their Dad should have said no and that it’s his responsibility.
Edited

He can’t afford regular pocket money because he pays for 100% of his kids’ expenses because their mum is an addict

OP posts:
Sausagemash · 18/10/2025 18:42

maybe just give the money to their dad, he might find better ways to spend it on them than £20 Roblox each week.

Mewling · 18/10/2025 18:42

sohappens · 18/10/2025 18:39

She spends her benefits on cocaine. That’s why she can’t afford to give them anything.

Sure she does. Good luck OP, hope this blended family malarkey works out for you.

sohappens · 18/10/2025 18:41

Hankunamatata · 18/10/2025 18:40

Assuming you dont live together then I think yabu.

Your not 'family' as such yet and to me its a wee bit overstepping for you to give them pocket money. Esp if the dad is a low earner and possibly pays small amounts of maintenance.

I would apologise to keep the peace.

He doesn’t pay any maintenance- he is the main carer. Mum doesn’t pay anything

OP posts: