AIBU to spend on my ‘step’ daughters?

I think if you gave it to the dad and got him to give it to them would have been better. Or do you like the glory? I find it cringey

I think you sound lovely, to treat the girls the same as your children.

Yabu, you've known them for 5 minutes and, I would hope after only 4 months, you arent living together. You are dads gf, pretty random at this stage. So I totally get the mums reticence, you are trying to play happy families far too early. It all cries a bit too try hard, we are all one big happy family.

I do think £20 is a lot at those ages. My 12yo would spend it on sugar though and have no teeth. Not so keen on wasting on electronic stuff.

That said I can see why you’d want parity between the children. Possibly set them up savings accounts? I’m divorced and ex is a bit splurgy and it irritates me. I used to give pocket money of £5 for keeping on top of chores and then they’d be turning up saying it’s fine I don’t need it as Dad gave me £20 and be mighty peeved that I made them do chores anyway.

You don’t trust your kids not to buy harmful things? What do you think a ten year old is going to do? Head off down to the offy for 20 B&H and a bottle of Hooch?

OP doesn’t have to check with their mum, she asked their dad.

So many pearls being clutched on this thread.

You've over stepped OP. I would say differently if you all lived together, seeing as Dad is main carer.
I assume it will be some time before that is considered, if ever.

Sounds good to me!

If your partner's happy none of the Mum's business.
She hardly sees the kids & doesn't have a pot to piss in, so probs jealous.
They're lucky to have you.

I think it’s fine. If t and DP are the main care givers I don’t really see what the issue is.
If their DM is skint I would guess that she is jealous of the girls getting that much money.
Your DP needs to have words with the DM.
Good on you for treating all four children the same.

Surely the point there is you raise your child to be careful with their money. Mine never bought unhealthy food with it or bought unnecessary stuff. She still needed to tell me if she was buying stuff as generally she buys online. Sometimes when she went out with her friends at first, she went a little wild with it, but she has learned the value of what she has. I couldn’t give a crap if her peers see her as “the rich kid”, she is who she is, she shouldn’t be ashamed of that. She doesn’t flash the cash about, wear designer gear etc, but if there is a trip out somewhere she never has to say no because she has no money nor does she have to borrow any either, which her friends always seem to be doing from each other (not from her, she’s too sensible for that)

I think it’s too much, because they can use the money in ways that may be harmful to them. A closer eye needs to be taken. Just my opinion.

I also think you should have checked with their mum

OP you asked several times ‘why’, many including myself explained why we wouldn’t approve of it, but you don’t seem to want to discuss it and counter offer? Just here to stoke the fire?

OP the amount is the irrelevant. How does your boyfriend feel about you giving the girls some pocket money? If he’s fine with it then it’s up to him to speak with his ex if she’s unhappy, not you.
I think it’s lovely that you want to treat all the children the same. I also think it’s lovely that the girls used the money to buy a present for their mum.
It sounds like most people are behaving well and their mum needs to get used to your existence in their lives. I do understand that this may be hard for her, but that’s not your issue to fix.

It matters because their mum thinks you're trying to buy their love. Maybe tell her that's what you give the boys and you're trying to treat them all the same.

It's cash people not a line of coke.
If the df is happy about what his dc spend in his time it's nowt to do with their dm.

I'm actually most interested in why you feel it is so important to treat them equally to your own children at this stage. I think the amount you are giving is irrelevant and therefore you being financially well off is irrelevant. Are your own children not wondering why you are giving your boyfriends children the same amount? Do you have a need to be seen as fair and kind to everyone, have some people pleasing tendencies, or does it fulfil you to be the 'rescuer' of these children? What does your boyfriend think of it?

No judgement by the way, I'm genuinely curious. I can see why when you were all out together you might shout them a meal, but this seems different somehow? Did you discuss with your boyfriend beforehand?

Gosh this is an embarrassing post.
You asked a question, people have answered. To suggest jealousy instead of thanking them does you a disservice.

I wouldn’t care. What’s more important is what your partner thinks about it. He is their father and is allowed to make decisions for his kids. If mum has an issue with it she should speak to him and sort it out.

£20 a week isn’t excessive if you can afford it. They aren’t spaffing it all on shit. It’s a trip to the cinema or lunch out with a friend. My pocket money covered that when I was that age (albeit, that was cheaper to do back in the day) My daughter gets similar and has since she was in high school. She has am amount in her head she likes to have in her account and slows her spending if it gets close. I see it as good practice for when she is in uni.

I can understand the dilemma and wanting to be fair across all 4 dc. However I also think it's too much and I could probably afford the same for my (similar aged) DC if I wanted to. My objections would be :

1. I want my DC to understand the value of money and £20 a week is way more than they need unless they are buying endless tat and wasting it. That feels like unjustified consumerism to me.

1. Also they need to understand the idea of budgeting in an age appropriate way so a very high weekly allowance doesn't help that.

1. It's very early in your relationship and if it ends, your DC will suddenly feel "poor"/worse off if they don't get this any more. They will feel entitled to a level of allowance that is not sustainable for their parents.

1. I think most parents want to feel they are providing for their DC and you suddenly appearing and splashing the money probably is a bit of a blow to their mother's pride.

Maybe you could move to a more ad-hoc system where you treat them instead ?

Seriously, this is not your argument to get involved in. Say you are happy to give the money, and let your boyfriend sort it out with his ex - ultimately it's on his time so the decision is his.

If I was him, I would try to explain to her nicely why I thought it was better and fairer for the kids to have spending money if they will be hanging out with your kids, and I would also reassure her that I was monitoring their spending (seriously, he should set them up with bank accounts he can monitor - he can even share their statements with her if that wouke reassure her).

Bur ultimately I would tell her that, as their parents, I had just as much right as her to make decisions for them during the time they were with me.

And if the kids are genuinely going to start loving you more than they love their mom, simply because you give them cash, then the parents have a far bigger problem to worry about! Children aren't cold hearted psychopaths driven purely by self interest (well, most aren't) - they form deep attachments and are capable of loyalty just like everyone else.

Just don't let them take the money/cards when they go to stay with her, if she isn't happy about it.

Why wouldn’t I want my ten year old to have £20 a week even though I could easily afford it?

Because a) that’s a lot more than their peers at school and I don’t want them being “the rich kid” and b) I buy everything they need and more so all that’s left to do with it is buy unhealthy food I don’t want them to have, buy completely unnecessary tat or save it up to buy bigger tat and I don’t want them spending that sort of money on utter crap.

I’d be cross if their actual grandparents started giving them that sort of money, much less a girlfriend who might not be in the picture in six months time.

If thai is true then didn’t you consider the probability that mum will start asking the girls for cash. I suspect that when she received the gift, she thought about the cocaine that she could have bought with the £50. Has she sold the gift yet?

You have known them for 4 months. It is inappropriate for you to be giving them pocket money considering that the relationship could end tomorrow. While you may have wanted to treat the girls the same as your sons, they aren’t your kids and it’s a massive boundary issue.