AIBU to spend on my ‘step’ daughters?

It would only be appropriate to backpedal if DP and his ex disapproved. If he’s ok with it, why would contradict him and obey his addict ex?

£20 a week is a lot and probably above the norm, but I think it’s lovely you are treating them the same as your children. You can’t win sometimes

Genuinely interested in why you think people would’ve assumed you were well off based on pocket money and why you think that would factor into well meaning suggestions about why this dynamic isn’t great?

Their mum is probably worried that you'll become "the fun parent" in their eyes and hold it against her. My colleague had something similar...she was so intent on not being the wicked stepmother that she went the other way - always giving her stepson gifts, outings, and possibly letting him off with behaviour that his mum (and dad) would not tolerate (and which my colleague did not have to reap the consequences of). In his stroppy teenage years there were a few occasions where he threw it at his mum that "stepmother would let me do this, or stepmother would buy that." It's a very fine balancing act.

It’s a fine amount @sohappens if their dad is ok with it and they are being sensible and not spending all on sweets, my girls of the same age get £10 a week (I’m a normal earner I guess), so it’s all relative and if I had step children I wouldn’t want them to miss out and would treat them the same as my Dc if their dad was ok with it (and again being sensible enough).

they sound lovely and it’s not buying their love it’s being fair.

Why? Because children are impressionable and she may be worried you’re giving them money will influence how much favour you carry with them. She might be worried about what they spend it on. She might be worried that having too much money as this young age will hinder teaching them the value of money.

More than all of the above, she might be pissed off because you’re new in their life and are already challenging her parenting decisions as if you have the right too. You don’t.

No the father is making parenting level decision and he’s the resident parent. If he says it’s ok that’s up to him.

If a SM was in a relationship with a wealthy SF who wanted to give her children the same amount as his own - and her ex kicked off, everyone in here would say it was the ex BU.

I've just reread, you've only known them 4 months and calling yourself a lovely family! You don't live together so why do you feel you have to match pocket money? Genuinely confused.
Catch yourself on OP.

It’s still not something the OP should be getting involved in. The only appropriate reaction would be to apologise and backpedal out of the scenario. Doubling down makes it something else entirely.

It’s not the fact that she originally did it that’s the issue, that could be put down as being kind. It’s the lack of understanding now that the mother has said no. She’s only known these kids a couple of months.

Only just read all your replies. No I am not jealous given I am also a high income household and am not in a blended family. What an odd take you have on things. I imagine you will be moving in together fairly soon if not already. Good luck.

But it’s not hideously inappropriate to override their father’s wishes and the resident parent?

I think it’s really sweet of you and you’re not doing anything wrong.

You’re making parenting level decisions with young kids you’ve just known a few months. You overstepped. Now I could understand that you were trying to treat them the same and be kind, but now the mother has said she’s not comfortable with it and you’re still pushing to do it, it comes across as overstepping again and I don’t doubt it’s making their mother uncomfortable and the girls caught between you. I’m surprised that you’re not just immediately understanding and taking no for an answer.

My children at age ten go nowhere alone where they can spend money beyond the corner shop and a couple of pounds a week covers an occasional bag of sweets. If they’re invited to the cinema or whatever with a friend then I pay. If they need clothes or books then I buy them. So there’s literally nothing for them to spend £20 a week on besides tat, in-app type gaming purchases or more sweets.

Happy for other families if they have systems that work for them, but I was explaining why I wouldn’t want it for my kid, since apparently OP is perplexed.

I am a ‘step mum’ - been with OH two years and I met kids about five months in, so I’ve been involved with them for 18 months.

Their mum doesn’t give them pocket money at all. Not a penny.

OH and I give them money in exchange for ‘chores’ and it’s not guaranteed every week- very much depends on the jobs we have available. Oldest has started getting it a bit more regularly as he’ll come to the stables with me and help with the horse chores and this is done as a driver to get him out the house in the fresh air and away from screens. Today each job had a ‘price’ agreed and he could choose the jobs and build how much he made. Today he made £9. He’ll maybe top out at £25 a month from me for this.

His mum has never had an issue with it - he takes the money home and she helps him put it in the bank to buy v-bucks or Lego with.

However - every parent is different and if she did have an issue with it I’d respect that and stop it.

It might be seen as a lot, but her reaction just suggests she is insecure.
After all, they saved a lot and bought something for HER. Clearly they are atill devoted to her, and she should appreciate that you are giving them opportunities that she cant.
Parenting and step-parenting isnt a competition, and she shouldn't be treating it as such.

It’s hideously inappropriate to override their mother’s wishes in this way once those wishes have been expressed. It’s about respect and boundaries. Basic decency. You should obviously stop these payments- I can’t believe you ever started them in fact without her approval.

I would be aghast if some woman started giving money to my son. I monitor his spending. This uncontrolled source of income would make it impossible. That another mother should do this and refuse to stop when asked to do so 🤯.

You’ve been told this again & again on this thread. I don’t know whether the wilful refusal to take this on board (& the strange accusations of ‘jealousy’) suggest this is a joke thread or that there is something very strange about the way you see the world.

If you treated them differently MN would tear you down. Treat them the same and you still get grief. If their father is the primary caregiver and he’s okay with it I don’t see the problem. The problem on here is no one likes a blended family, you won’t get many people agreeing with you due to that.

OP, I think you can see from the answers that £20 a week is WAY more than most people give their kids at this age. I personally don’t want my kids having loads of disposable income to spend on crap - I actively don’t want them to be able to buy whatever they want. I want them to want a job soon, to learn the value of earned money and understand the importance of working hard and saving up for things. Can you really not understand why someone might be annoyed that you’re giving this much money to kids you met 4 months ago, without asking their mum?

In this instance as they live with you I think you’re doing the right thing. It would not be fair for kids living in the same house to get a different amount.

If she were the resident parent it would be different.

Fair enough, so everyone is happy with it except the mum, and you say it's something that you like to do for people you care about, and you've thought about what might happen if the relationship doesn't become permanent then it's a bit early on from my perspective but it's your money and mum sounds pretty uninvolved (although granted we only have your side of the story). I can see why she is unhappy though, but that may be her own hang up.

Do you actually all live together?
Your point about being fair doesn't really matter if you don't. It wouldn't be like you were flaunting the money in front of his kids if they have their own home as surely you would just give it to your own children when the others aren't there.

I do think this is a troll post to wind people up (hence saying the mum takes cocaine) or to show off how much you earn (also to wind people up).