Help me see what I can’t see
My daughter who is 28 and diagnosed ASD still lives at home with her child, who is 5 also mildly on the autism spectrum. She had intended to move into her own home years ago, but after becoming pregnant, she remained here. Five years on, she wishes to leave. However, her parenting difficulties have made it hard for me to fully support this transition.
She has previously reported me to social services for financial and emotional abuse—claims that were unfounded. Since becoming a mother, her ASD traits have intensified, as the unpredictability of parenting is particularly challenging for her. She struggles to regulate both her own and her child’s emotions, leading to volatile interactions. Her diagnosis as a child was borderline ASD but most likely ADHD also, becoming a mum was a very difficult transition for her having to look after someone else but she was brilliant at some aspects for sure. In other ways it has been traumatic.
Three years ago, I trialled leaving her to manage independently while I was away for two weeks. When I returned, both she and my grandchild appeared distressed and had lost weight, which prompted me to become more actively involved. Since then, I’ve taken on a more hands-on role, partly to safeguard my grandchild’s wellbeing, though my daughter often perceives this as interference or control.
Financially, I work part-time, and both she and her adult brother are expected to contribute towards rent and bills. My daughter paid £450 monthly but stopped six months ago, claiming she was saving for a deposit. However, this has not materialised, and she continues to use household facilities and food without contributing. She also refuses to follow household routines and boundaries, such as agreed washing times, and becomes verbally aggressive when challenged. She has an income of £1550 a month.
Her father refuses to help with a deposit or engage with her support needs, insisting instead that I “fix” our relationship. I’ve encouraged her to seek therapy through her GP, which she has agreed to, which was helpful but as usual not for long, but she continues to struggle with structure, motivation, and self-care. Most days, she spends hours watching Netflix and does little to prepare for her child’s return from school.
In was going to write a letter of support but found out she had told the council that I was abusing her both financially and emotionally and had told her father not to give her the deposit. I didn’t write the letter after that.
I am emotionally exhausted. She has presented as homeless to force rehousing, but was only allowed one night Ina hotel and then went down the route of being in a domestically abused at home to force them to rehouse her. She then got her friend to call social services for a second time and report the situation which resulted in being unfounded. She would be placed in temporary accommodation far from family support, which would be detrimental to both her and my grandchild. The housing officer has told me this. I hear how she speaks to my grandchild and step in and ask her to be empathic which she says is molly coddling. I worry what would happen while they are alone. I declined a social services assessment of my home, as I already work closely with the service and understand their procedures and limitations and also they would place my younger child on a CIN because of my adult daughter’s behaviour.
my daughter needs outside support for her mental health I am at a loss what to do.