How much snapping is normal?

Both me and my DH can be snappy and grumpy.

We’ve both tried to work on it and are happier now (much of ours stemmed from stressful living/work arrangements and poor mental health) BUT having a baby with someone like this is very, very difficult.

If you’ve been up all night with the baby and are exhausted, and he snaps you will be in bits. Now repeat every day for 6-12 months.

You’ve already said you’ve raised it but he's done nothing to address it. Not being melodramatic but he either needs to seek out anger management/coping mechanisms, or you need to think whether struggling through the baby stage with a man like this is doable for you.

It nearly broke my marriage.

I don’t think there’s any definitive answer to this.

It really depends on the general dynamic and the behaviour of both people in the couple.

Sometimes snappy people absolutely are nasty bullies. Equally, sometimes people snap because they’re at the end of their tether with a dithering/whiny/insensitive/fussy/needy/difficult/delete as appropriate partner who needs to take a look at their own behaviour.

Also, people have varying interpretations of what constitutes snapping. I used to have a colleague who used to get upset because she said our manager had ‘snapped at her’ but whenever I’d witnessed the supposed snapping incidents, I didn’t feel he was being snappy. For all I know, she might have found me snappy as well, but that wouldn’t have been my intention at all.

If my partner was kind, considerate and respectful, then I think I’d ignore the occasional snappiness. And by occasional, I mean every few months.

if it’s more frequent, then I think it would be appropriate to talk about it and explain that you feel it’s unkind and unfair.

i don’t think any relationship can be eternally perfect, never speaking shortly with one another. This wouldn’t be a red line for me. But we’re all different and if it’s upsetting you then it needs addressing.

I have incredibly low tolerance for it. Can’t see the point being in a relationship with someone if they don’t enhance your life. If someone lacks the self control to compose themselves they don’t deserve you. Why bother with someone who is being arsy?

I think sometimes snapping can't be helped if someone (a) can't read the room or take a hint (b) ignores more direct communication (c) is a boundary pusher with no sense of personal space, who insists on having all communication on their terms all the time.

Sometimes when we're irritated, we speak in a terse voice that betrays our emotional state. As long as we do it without shouting at anyone or calling them names or hurling insults or obscenities, it's just an expression of how we're feeling.

Imagine telling someone who felt sad that it was abusive to express their sadness through tears, because we didn't like it, and it made us feel sad or anxious.

(But there is a bit of a tyranny of the sad / sensitive / vulnerable at the moment. Even when we're setting completely uncontroversial boundaries we seem to have to be extra careful to do it in a way that couldn't possibly hurt anyone's feelings.)

In the example you gave, if he snapped that he'd already done that, I wouldn't see that as a problem. If he had called you a name or told you to fuck off, that's different.

But the thing is - that's me. You can be different and that is fine. We all look for different things. What's pointless is keeping on telling him it's unacceptable to snap, when it clearly is acceptable, because here you still are, in the relationship.

When something is really unacceptable to you, you don't accept it, and exit the relationship. So that's the question to ask yourself (not anyone else) - is his snappiness unacceptable to you or not?

I am snapper.
I hate it if someone repeats things when we have gone over it a few times.
Or if someone moans over crap or things that really dont need to be moaned over.
Or goes on and on and on without getting to the point.
I say ffs we been over this stop going on about it or ffs get to the bloody point.

It as come with age i cant deal with moaning soppy people.
And yes ive been around some that have said they feel its abuse if their partners snap with words, my response is well stop carrying on about it and get it sorted or get to the point when you talk.
Not everything is bloody abuse we just have our limits before we say shut the fuck up.

How do you feel about anger in general OP? Growing up, were your parents snappy, were you allowed to be snappy? There are often huge differences in what we grow up with and are comfortable with

I'm more snappy with my partner, but I think he's very irritating. I'm quite sure he finds me irritating too but he's more laid back ( quite often that's why I'm irritated) "what do you want for dinner, oh I don't mind,what do you want for dinner" I need to snap less but he needs to stop being a wet lettuce. Can you find a middle way?

Isn't being grumpy different to being snappy though? Low mood is difficult to be around in long term, but snappiness to me is sort of a quick response that doesn't really mean anything...?

What he needs to do is communicate to you that he is in a bad mood. What I have trained my husband to do is to just say to me I’m having a bad day. Can you give me some space.

And then I know to leave him alone. He just needs to communicate to you when he’s having a bad day.

Perhaps the first time he snaps you say are you having a bad day? If so, I can leave you alone.

It’s about clear communication from the start. If I’m feeling poorly, I say to my husband I’m feeling unwell, I’m not in a bad mood. It changes the whole vibe.

I wouldn't be bothered by someone giving short irritable answers. I have a stressful job and deal with worse from colleagues and clients. I think expecting someone to be happy and talkative all the time is much more concerning than being snappy.

OMG clickbait is the perfect term for this. Get to the goddamn point!

Op I’m a bit surprised people are willing to tolerate this. If you have kids are you all going to go out because he’s snappy about a perfectly normal occurrence like a complicated purchase? I think the pressure of mortgage/ sleepless nights / whiny kids (they all have their moments) would make him worse.

I think in the circumstance you're describing, it's okay to get a bit irritated and snap - I certainly would and so would DH. I wouldn't be snapping at him - it's more being irritated at the situation and showing it verbally.

But like I said, DH and I are both very happy to speak up when we feel irritated or fed up with something. We don't take it personally or get upset by it.

My DH is like this. Absolutely lovely most of the time but if he's tired he turns into a right grumpy, snappy fuck. I ignore it and have many a time told him to fuck off if he's snapped and it was uncalled for.

I think this is a huge red flag.
You haven't faced any of the adult stresses that come during a long relationship and should be in the honeymoon stage, and he's snapping at you?

You are right to be worried.
Imagine him snapping and you with a baby in your arms?
No thanks.
He is showing you exactly who he is, I would suggest you believe him.

It sounds like the situation was getting on his nerves and he was just getting sick of talking about it?

I really wouldn't take something like that personally.

Are you asking him questions that need to be asked right then? Is it obvious that he needs to be left alone for a minute, but you are asking stuff anyway?
Or is he snappy when you've asked a perfectly reasonable question, and is it a sudden out-of-the-blue mood change?
If he has started snapping as his go-to response to anything you say because he cba to think of the answer, then I think you need to reconsider the whole relationship. It shows a lack of respect.
You can see by some of the responses that some people don't give a monkeys if their partner is snappy.
But it bothers you - and if he's like this now, when everything is fine, you'll find it unbearable when there is something for him to be grumpy about.

Same here. My husband complains I'm snappy. I think I'm actually incredibly patient.

My husband monologues and I would describe his delivery style as clickbait.

A notable example was one of the DC needed a specific item before school, but hadn't told us until that morning. DH went out, came back saying he'd gone to x shop but they didn't have it. But in many, many more words than that.

So I started hurrying the DC into the car so I could try some other shops, whilst still trying to get to school on time. He was incredibly offended that I had cut him short, as he'd got the item. It just wasn't the time for a dramatic retelling of his heroic efforts.

Are you actually asking him necessary questions or having an important conversation, or are you (in the nicest way) just talking at him for the sake of it?

DH has a habit of asking me questions he could look up himself, or wittering on at me about things just to fill the silence, and sometimes I do tell him to just be quiet and stop blathering.

But, and this is the important part, he tells me to pack it in when I'm being annoying too. It works both ways.

Maybe this is just his normal personality and some people come across to others as more snappy than others.
I think I am like this at home. I use up my energy at work and when home I often want my own space and quiet, so if my husband is wittering on then I am likely to come across as being snappy in response.