Letting your teen go out

My DD 13 can get the bus or train to nearby city, go to shops, cinema, swimming pool etc. has a curfew and a tracker in her phone.

She’s been allowed out to ‘play’ since she was 6 and to go further as described since she went to high school aged 12.

Presumably the dark thing doesn't apply in autumn/winter?

My DS is 14, nearly 15 and we live in London too. He goes out at weekends with his mates, I ask who he is going with and where. If plans change he messages me but we have a family tracker anyway.
He has to be in when I say (we agree a time between us and it's always before dark) and hasn't been late so far, he knows if he is then his curfew will be qat earlier.
He enjoys the independence and I trust him so good both ways.

Mine is 16 and we work on honesty and what we/her are comfortable with. Trusting herself and building it up so that now (Year 12) she goes out with friends for dinner in central line and gets train back (London/Surrey borders) and go to O2 for concerts independently built up over time

She needs to be able to feel confident and comfortable becoming an adult and going off to Uni

House parties - have to be invited - I have seen first hand what can happen if people who aren’t invited turn up and I find the whole idea disrespectful so you need to know the host and be invited.

Goes out shopping during the day to Westfield and Covent Garden

Thankful none of mine didn’t want to just hang around. I did, and got up to all sorts.

Hanging around in shopping centres is a key part of being a teenager. Its not in anyway a precursor to "a bad path".

I 'got up to nonsense' with boys in my teens - didn't we all?

I still worked from 15, went to uni, got married and have been a decent member of society all my adult life....

I encourage my teens to socialise, to explore, to have fun and to gain independence. Adolescence is when they should be doing these things - with us in the background for advice, guidance, support and to help them make good their mistakes.

I can't see that not letting them out, not letting them find their own way on public transport, not letting them just be with friends without a structured activity or plan and not letting them mix with those they "might get up to nonsense" with leads to better outcomes in the end. Surely it just creates a different set of things to worry about in a young adult?

Teens in London- I let them go out but they always check in with me first and let me know where they are going (and update as needed- e.g. we were at Y's house but now going to Z's house) and we have an agreed time home. I think you have to do what feels right for the individual child, the level of independence you think you can trust and they can handle, and how good communication is.

How will controlling them and monitoring them to this extent stop them getting involved in that, though?

It’s hard. Mine need to tell me where they are going and who with; and communicate if plans change. Don’t have set time as it depends what they are doing.

I don’t really ever say they can’t go unless we have plans (which they should already know).

We do track their phones but I try not to use it as would prefer them to keep me in the loop.

I wish my 14yo would meet friends "just to be out". Prior to covid he had friends he "played out with" all the time. Now it's alternate Saturday only meet ups. He goes out lunchtime and usually back for 7 - 8 ish. There is always a definite activity planned.
I'm late 50s and his Dad early 60s, so this seems bizarre to us.

County lines.

My Dd is 15. We live in a village so she can’t go anywhere much without our permission as someone has to take her. I think at 14 it’s fair to ask that you know vaguely what the plans are: where she will be, with who. A curfew is definitely a thing mine would have in your situation.

We're in a semi-rural village, and DD is 15 (just). She's goes out during the day at weekends, and can get the bus or train to one of the surrounding towns to shop, meet friends etc. She needs to keep me posted about where she is, and know when, and more importantly how, she's getting home. We're probably more relaxed than a lot of her friends parents, who still drive their teenagers about everywhere and won't even let them.on public transport!

My 14 year old can go out, doesn't need to have a plan and can just hang out in a park with her friends if she wants (they once spent a couple of hours just swinging on swings and chatting and listening to music, which seemed just so wholesome to me). She hosted a sleepover recently, during the day they went walking in the forest for hours, in the evening once it was dark they went stargazing and they popped out quite late at night to go to the shop down the road (which tbf I'd have said no to if I was still awake then).

But I don't live in London, I live in a small, very safe town in Finland. I am sure I would not feel so comfortable with her roaming around, especially after dark, if we lived in a big city. I do let her take the train to the city to visit her friend and they roam around but her friend is 3 years older so I feel more comfortable with that.

Whats safe and appropriate will vary so much on the local area, even within a few miles.

I've to know where mine are going. As in, go shopping with Ella or going to Jos house sort of level, not exactly where they will be. I'll give lifts, but they have to ask the day before. Most of their friends seem similar. But they are limited by transport options.

I know in London can be more worrying but have more transport options so they can easily get a long distance away without assistance or money!

It’s so tricky isn’t it, and I can see both viewpoints!

We are pretty strict with my DS, and I look back to when I was his age and I had way more freedom. But then it is so reassuring knowing where he is, who he is with and checking on my app to see his location.

But then I do sometimes see posts about teenagers and it seems like some parents think it should be the same as primary school- driven to places and collected, always know where they are, only allowed to known friends homes etc.

With older teens it’s also hard to balance the fact that your 16-year-old may be off to uni in eighteen months time, so they need to be prepared and have some degree of independence.

Also to the PP saying about filling their time with clubs/hobbies, I really wish my DS would do that but there’s no interest. He goes one club per week on a Wednesday evening and that’s it. But speaking to friends it seems really common that even the kids who enthusiastically attended 5 clubs a week in primary school have scaled right back and lost interest in their teens.

What part of London is key?

Whats her school like?

It's a particularly tricky in between age. I agree there have to be limits and curfews but I would not be inclined to say an outright no to anything. My parents were so strict and 30 years later I still remember things and am surprised by how angry it makes me feel. Like they didn't trust me or want me to develop a character of my own, I was their daughter first and me after, if that makes sense.

With ds we imposed conditions the first time he did something, like a house party where he was allowed go for an hour, because he turned up at the appointed place and time he was allowed stay longer next time. It's obviously much more difficult if it's a one off thing. He had the chance to go to a teen disco at 15 a long distance away on a bus and we weren't comfortable so we said yes but met him off the bus at 2am to bring him home. I don't think a 14 yr old should come and go like a lodger but my instinct would be to give them plenty freedom which helps them grow and develop and make better choices.

Depends on their maturity.
Depends on their friend's maturity.
Depends where they’d roam.
Depends where in London.

This.

Mine are quite sheltered and I’m unapologetic about it.
Frankly I’d rather they go off the rails as young adults when they’ll have more maturity to cope with the consequences.

They get permission to go out, and go with a plan. I don’t mind hanging out at the shopping centre which is the popular thing here, but if they go, it’s to meet friends at a particular time. It’s not just mooching, waiting for excitement to turn up.

There isn’t much that I say no to (so far) but I do have to be talked into some things, which encourages them to talk through scenarios, and commit to responsibility.

They’re not wandering the streets after dark or hanging out in playgrounds, and it’s a non-negotiable that they have to sleep in their own bed.

I know my dd has used her “strict dm” as an excuse to avoid things, and so has her bff 😂. I’ve been very lucky so far with the friends they’ve made.

Sports, hobbies, study and chores fills up a lot of time.

Well, I grew up exactly like that didn't go down a bad path.

What's happened in the last 20 years that means that teenagers need to be so tightly controlled and monitored?

I have 2 14 year olds. They go out but only with a plan, that they share with me and when walking on their own they’ll WhatsApp location. They don’t amble aimlessly but have friends over or go to the friends’ houses.

if I gave them a key and curfew they’d look at me like I’d gone mad. They have kids at school who spend all day hanging out in the park - smoking/vaping/drinking/snogging - but that’s of no interest at all to mine. They’re more likely to watch tv at home while video calling a friend. They like to go to the shops for a bit, but an hour and they’re bored and wanting to come home.

This cannot be more opposite from anyone I know. In fact these are the types of kids I see going down the bad path, up to all sorts, and growing up way too fast for their age. I have friends with teens and none of them are like this. They ask permission to go out, they don’t hang around parks and shopping centres, not getting up to nonsense with boyfriends and girlfriends and wild.

I like my teens to go out and about within reason.

Mine do lots of structured activities so they usually have somewhere they have to be by a certain time which curtains them somewhat (and helps them get enough sleep as there always something they don't want to be too tired for).

I encourage mine to say yes to being invited out, I encourage them to use public transport and to develop independence and resourcefulness.

We have a tracking app, their debit cards are linked to my account so I get a notification when they get on the bus etc, I have their friend's mum's numbers.