To move my DS year 10 who has an ECHP from a mainstream secondary school whose target grades are around grades 2/3 to a Private School and ask DS to start year 8 in January at the Private School to a Private school and ask him

redange · 2025-10-18T09:15:05+00:00

I have three children two DD's and 1 adopted DS DD's are in year 11 and 9 respectively at a very highly regarded girls Grammar school. DD'1 is expected to achieve 9/10 grade 9's next year DD'2 will need '52' points for the schools sixth form which is likely to mean she will have to work quite hard. However, after DH's attitude towards DS, such as he will never need to work and there will be enough money anyway for him. I am furious with DH for his dismissal and his suggestion to DD'1 goes to a Boarding School for 6th form to expand her agency ! DH is ex Public School whose family are old money thus he and his family believe both daughters lack a bit of polish. DH however has an attitude that a mainstream secondary school with a FSM rate of 42% has provided a perfectly adequate education for DS given his academic potential. I have made contact with a non selective Private School who have suggested DS starts this January but in year 8 due to his academic needs. I have not told DS yet and do not know who he will respond to be put back two years.

justasking111 · 19/10/2025 21:24

TeenToTwenties · 19/10/2025 19:24

@BreakingBroken They can dictate to a scribe. But what isn't allowed is a conversation with prompts such as 'can you expand on that...'

It's quite an art, the reading of the questions getting the meaning across to the students with the right inflexion. You really want them to do well. Luckily my writing is good and rapid.

BreakingBroken · 19/10/2025 20:30

it would seem a scribe would be helpful if the child speaks well, it would most likely be easier to teach him to stay on topic than teach him how to write out the answer.
but the current school doesn't seem like a good fit.

Lougle · 19/10/2025 20:14

TeenToTwenties · 19/10/2025 19:24

@BreakingBroken They can dictate to a scribe. But what isn't allowed is a conversation with prompts such as 'can you expand on that...'

Yes, as @TeenToTwenties says, scribes can only record exactly what is said, so it's not the same as an oral conversation.

TeenToTwenties · 19/10/2025 19:24

@BreakingBroken They can dictate to a scribe. But what isn't allowed is a conversation with prompts such as 'can you expand on that...'

BreakingBroken · 19/10/2025 19:17

late to the thread but maybe @Lougle can reply can students not take exams orally should they be unable to put their thoughts on paper (handwriting/processing issues)?
it certainly sounds like @redange son is very capable of answering orally any of the questions.

runningpram · 19/10/2025 13:22

I would strongly advise from personal experience moving anyone down - unless they are are a reception child born in July/August.
Two years out of age is awful - no matter the academic needs. It sounds more like he needs a special school or 121 support. Or perhaps it would be ok to do some lessons with a younger cohort e g Maths/English until he caught up but be with the rest of the class mostly

Arran2024 · 19/10/2025 12:51

redange · 19/10/2025 12:34

Thank you jeaux90
You understand the difficulties that children who are exceptionally bright in some ways but exhibit others 2 or 3 years below their chronological age. I know i did at school and always felt out of it. DH is also a bit odd but was protected by family money! It was not until i was in my early 30's i felt confident and not 'behind' other woman whether socially or personally .

I also know of a autistic man of 54 who despite having many of the problems highlighted here know is the most remarkable guy, despite leaving school with 'severe' learning difficulties now has a Masters Degree in International Relations.

This is why an ehc plan goes up to 25.

I know two people who went to the local school for children with learning disabilities but went on to do degrees. Partly this was due to misdiagnosis - they both had significant speech and language problems and a proper assessment would have discovered this and the children could have gone to a different sort of school. But anyway, the ehc system meant that even though they left school with zero qualifications, they went to college and then started working their way through the qualifications system from scratch.

You can only imo do what is reasonable right now at the stage they are currently at. You then fill in the gaps later. The idea of this independent school taking him back two years will imo solve some problems and create new ones. It's not going to be a panacea.

jeaux90 · 19/10/2025 12:50

OP mine also is a few years emotionally behind BUT they do have to learn that different is ok. I would say maybe one year pull back is ok but the key thing here is the right school for him with the right support AND special provisions for exams.

Original poster

redange · 19/10/2025 12:35

Other traits that are 2- 3 years behind peers or normal behavour

OP posts:

Original poster

redange · 19/10/2025 12:34

Thank you jeaux90
You understand the difficulties that children who are exceptionally bright in some ways but exhibit others 2 or 3 years below their chronological age. I know i did at school and always felt out of it. DH is also a bit odd but was protected by family money! It was not until i was in my early 30's i felt confident and not 'behind' other woman whether socially or personally .

I also know of a autistic man of 54 who despite having many of the problems highlighted here know is the most remarkable guy, despite leaving school with 'severe' learning difficulties now has a Masters Degree in International Relations.

OP posts:

jeaux90 · 19/10/2025 10:05

OP I have DD16 with AuDHD. She was in the private sector for this reason but it was for the small class sizes (15) and the nurturing environment.

With GCSEs I spent a lot on additional tuition. She passed English but is resitting maths in a really nice small 6th form (state) college.

With the right assessment outcomes DS could have a scribe for example if you think this could be useful.

But I am not sure pulling him back two years is a good thing, only you can know this. I considered actually moving house for DD to go to the right SEN oriented private school for sixth form, she did not want to full time board, she did flexi board though which was really good for her independence.

It’s a tough one OP you might want to pop onto the private school or SEN section.

Tiswa · 19/10/2025 09:40

@redange you do realise that some of the worse places not to accept people unconditionally and make them do things to be part of the gang are private schools!

You seem to be snobby with your attitudes such as secondary modern/Ideas of FE college and want a prep and a grammar

where they clearly don’t suit the child you have

MairOldAlibi · 19/10/2025 09:07

Lougle · 18/10/2025 20:43

If I were you, if you have money, I would spend it on a really good educational psychology assessment, speech and language assessment, and occupational therapy assessment. Then I would use that to get the EHCP to properly match his needs and get the right setting for him.

This. Nothing else will work.

Namechangetry · 19/10/2025 08:56

redange · 18/10/2025 23:37

I never used offensive words to describe potential students at a FE college. However, i do know that boys that are not accepted unconditionally need to show they are one of the gang. This means DS might undertake dangerous dares such as Shoplifting stunts on College buses drug taking or fast driving if potentially he has access to a Car. This has nothing to do with Billionaire Boy but reality of a high functioning autistic boy trying to be one of the boys. A boy of 17/18 with High Functioning Autism is at high risk if not strictly watched or monitored by mentors !

Know who the most popular boy in my DSs year is? His best friend, who is autistic. Lads want to be in his friend group and girls hang off his every word, he's like a teenage pied piper. His and his mates 'dangerous dares' are mountain biking, stunt scooter and building a den in the woods. He's not academic, or sporty in organised sports, but he's extremely popular with his peers and is the leader, not a follower.

You don't talk about your DS as a person at all, just cliches about him being either easily led into petty crime or hot-housed in a very academic private school. Who is he, as a person? What are his interests and talents? It comes across like you think you can control who he is as a person by controlling what school he goes to.

QuirkyHorse · 19/10/2025 08:46

Oof, I think dropping him 2 years would be quite damaging to him.

If you can afford private school, have you thought of tutors as an alternative?

Or, you could just accept that he isn't academic and support him in becoming the best version of himself.

TeenToTwenties · 19/10/2025 08:41

Lots more to unpick here.
A kinship care adopted boy with ASD.
Has an EHCP
1 (or possible 2) parents with ASD.
Very well off, and it appears haven't 'hidden' it from the DC.
Boy underperforming due to writing issues as opposed to not having the thinking skills.
Parents worried about passing GCSE and going forward with academics and also concerned that the wrong crowd in FE could be damaging.

Concern current school not working
. Bullying due to wealth (or perhaps more likely using wealth as tool due to ASD vulnerabilities)
. Predicted 2s and 3s

Proposal to drop 2 years into a private school with 2 hrs homework nightly.
. May fit better from a wealth perspective
. Likely issues with socialisation being much older than most
. Also, not yet mentioned, many ASD students have issues with doing schoolwork at home

I know where you are coming from OP, but I'm not convinced your solution is right. It is also hampered a bit by being in year 10.

My suggestions:
. Unless unbearable and your DS hates it don't move schools, but if you do then aim to stay in state system either in same year or dropping 1 year only.
. Existing school needs to be doing more pastorally and maybe to give social skills support
. Get clear with the school what exam concessions he will get
. He needs tutors for maths and English Language, and maybe also for Science / History (or whatever his options are) to help with exam technique and getting his understanding onto paper.
. Have a real hard think about 6th form years you don't need to decide yet. Are A levels really the right academic option, remembering he will need high GCSE grades, and that writing requirements will massively increase if doing essay based subjects? Would a vocational T-Level be better? You seem to think students at FE colleges are feral - they aren't round me.
. Can the money situation be used to good effect in 6th form years for more out of the box solutions somehow?
. Think about the money situation. Have you got things set up so he gets access to a whole load at 18, or are you able to be much more circumspect with access until he is more mature?

I worry a knee jerk reaction: pull the DS into private, 2 years below, keep him cocooned longer, may go horribly wrong socially and academically.

Rogerthat14 · 19/10/2025 05:51

It’s as though you have an image of what you want your DS to be and his future.

And it isn’t real life

gamerchick · 19/10/2025 03:16

redange · 18/10/2025 20:16

Been out all day !

We answer some questions DS was a family member who after a family issue (not prepared to talk about) who I obtained a Special Guardian Order for at the age of six months. After 5 years with a Special Guardian Order in place we formally adopted him after geting the go ahead from our local authority. There is a 18 month difference from DD'1 to DS which is smaller than the usual minimum of two years between children required. However, due to the special family circumstances, it was decided it was the right way forward.

If we leave the state school provided we will be full fee paying parents with little or no contribution from the Local Authority. I do believe that the EHCP stays in place though until 25. It is also likely the Local Authority would question the change of schooling and suggestion of dropping to year 8 as outlined such as best interests etc.

Regarding ability and potential various educational experts who have used Dyslexia/ testing )Dash tests) Dyspraxia have diagnosed HFA. The experts can not understand why he is working at such a low standard when his vocal and reasoning understanding present at year 12 or a 17 year old's level. Indeed despite his difficulties his IQ is recorded at 125, not genius level but better than acquiring grades 2 and 3 in Math's/ English in year 11. Something is going wrong if the current school think 2 and 3's are his correct pathway.

Regarding, potential retake at an Further Education College, it will by the time by evident to himself and other GCSE students taking retake, that is lifestyle is completely different. Therefore, he is likely to try and act out to gain friendship and be in danger of doing dangerous things 'Class Clown' and daredevil things in town during lunchtime.

DS different lifestyle is not helped by his rather naive father, who does not know the difference social difference between a Girls Grammar School and 42% FSM Secondary Modern. This being evident how he could not understand the differing reactions from people for turning to pick the girls up from their Grammar in his Porsche 911 Turbo to, DS 'Modern' School. To him a State School is a State School.

Some kids just aren't academic OP. It's not a crime. The more you post the more I feel a bit sorry for him

Don't count on the EHCP lasting until 25. As soon as he hits 18 they'll start to push to remove it.

justasking111 · 19/10/2025 00:26

redange · 19/10/2025 00:05

Well for a start I am State Educated and diagnosed as Autistic.

So you understand your sons struggle well

Original poster

redange · 19/10/2025 00:05

Well for a start I am State Educated and diagnosed as Autistic.

OP posts:

doglover90 · 19/10/2025 00:03

redange · 18/10/2025 23:37

I never used offensive words to describe potential students at a FE college. However, i do know that boys that are not accepted unconditionally need to show they are one of the gang. This means DS might undertake dangerous dares such as Shoplifting stunts on College buses drug taking or fast driving if potentially he has access to a Car. This has nothing to do with Billionaire Boy but reality of a high functioning autistic boy trying to be one of the boys. A boy of 17/18 with High Functioning Autism is at high risk if not strictly watched or monitored by mentors !

You've managed to be offensive and hyperbolic about both state educated children and autistic children in the same post, congratulations.

Original poster

redange · 18/10/2025 23:37

I never used offensive words to describe potential students at a FE college. However, i do know that boys that are not accepted unconditionally need to show they are one of the gang. This means DS might undertake dangerous dares such as Shoplifting stunts on College buses drug taking or fast driving if potentially he has access to a Car. This has nothing to do with Billionaire Boy but reality of a high functioning autistic boy trying to be one of the boys. A boy of 17/18 with High Functioning Autism is at high risk if not strictly watched or monitored by mentors !

OP posts:

Namechangetry · 18/10/2025 23:15

Regarding, potential retake at an Further Education College, it will by the time by evident to himself and other GCSE students taking retake, that is lifestyle is completely different. Therefore, he is likely to try and act out to gain friendship and be in danger of doing dangerous things 'Class Clown' and daredevil things in town during lunchtime.

Oh yes of course he'll have to mess about in town to hide his wealthy family background from the thick chavs who'll be his only classmates at an FE college doing retakes. Have you been reading Billionaire Boy or something? Because all your posts are clichés.

FunMustard · 18/10/2025 22:46

Just to give an entirely different perspective literally just on the schooling aspect.

I have 16 year old twins who just finished high school this year. Neither of them got any grade over a 3. They are both very dyslexic and had a bit of a poor start as they were severely speech-delayed so needed specialist schooling in infant school. I mention this only as it had an impact alongside the dyslexia.

Anyway - they're both now at a local, Excellent rated college doing vocational courses. They love it. It's honestly the making of them. They are both retaking Maths after half term and will do English probably next year. For the first time they're really enjoying themselves - not that they suffered or anything, but they aren't academic so traditional school was never a great fit.

I think him moving down two years is ridiculous and would severely stunt the social elements of school. And regardless of that - your son is clearly not going to cope in some sort of academic hothouse like that, so while I might not agree with the reasons your husband has given, I also don't think it's right for you son.

justasking111 · 18/10/2025 22:29

Re boarding. Our school did tasters. Two days and two nights. Gives the pupils an idea of what happens. They picked days where they did lessons and outward bound stuff. Nights where they had activities and cocoa. Very low key.