Men suggesting home dates early on

Had you met him online though? I think that makes a difference. If you knew who he was, friend of a friend etc, before your first date then third date isn’t quite so early iyswim.

So many scumbags online now who could be anybody!

Absolutely not! Sex or murder tbh. Run!! x

I don’t know what kind of men you know , but thankfully the ones I know don’t think women are “ sluts “ if they engage in & enjoy casual sex ..
Everyone has needs 🤷🏻‍♀️ …

He lives an hour away…..what’s the point? He’s also pushy and wants you to have a home date in someone else’s home.

If you end up having sex he’ll pull the “Oh I can’t travel to you” which will mean you do all the legwork for him to get his leg over.

No thanks.

Exactly

You were young and skint. How would you feel about dating a man now who's skint? You mention he now earns five times what you do so it would seem it's important now.

This!

lt is best to sort out if you are compatible sexually early on. Waiting ages really does not have benefits, the end responses are usually the same.

We are longer in an age (thank god) where sex is seen as something a man does to a woman. Quality sex is lovely. Bad sex is worse than awful. The situation does not change by waiting to find out.

l would be more concerned about his financial situation. Can you enjoy yourselves out and about together if he has no momey?

How embarrassingly shallow. I can count on one hand the number of restaurants DH and I went to when dating. We were both young and skint, him especially so. He now earns about five times more than me.

He’s either still married and recently separated from his wife and kids! This sounds like a situationship request!!

That all makes perfect sense. To a man. It's the way their brains are wired.

A guy shouldn't date if he can't afford restaurants? That's rough. He might have a lot of other things to offer!

Reminds me of a guy I dated a while ago from OLD, Warren. He was a regular OLD lurker it turns out. 1st date was in town for drinks. 2 date after that it was round at his house for him to cook tea for me. 🙄

Then, bluntly, he shouldn’t be dating.

If anyone feels they are “papering over a lack of interesting things to say with an activity” then surely that in itself suggests there’s no sexual chemistry? No sexual chemistry, no need to pretend there ever will be. Dating apps are used by people who want to have a sexual relationship not people looking for platonic friendship. It’s better to find that out before spending what could be potentially an excruciatingly dull evening at home with a man who has invited himself into your kitchen under the pretext of cooking you a meal. You can’t escape, you’re bound by the rigid rules of social niceties and I personally can’t think of anything worse than a man I kissed twice but had no prior knowledge of, coming into my home and making a mess and expecting sex at the end of it. It becomes awkward if there’s no reciprocation. Op will know herself when she feels ready for that kind of connection.

Could well be, or is he tight for money and can’t afford to go out much?
I mean pubs are nice, but I’d expect meals out in restaurants etc.

i’d reply something along the lines of “I think it well to get to know each other over meals out”, see how he responds.

Nope, don’t be pressured if you don’t want to have him in your home at this stage. If you want to put sex on the table find a nice place for an overnight. That might also weed out if this is a financial issue. The last thing you want is your peace or safety ruined as he’s already demonstrated he isn’t intuitive enough to pick up on your subtle No. Don’t be pushed into decisions that aren’t yours, pushed being the operative word

It depends what the home date involves. For DP it was about his love of cookery (and it worked because the meal he served up absolutely took my interest up several levels).

Not sure how a full home-cooked three-course meal with luxury ingredients is low-effort compared to sitting silently in a cinema for two hours enduring the latest generic blockbuster. The thing with home dates is you actually get to talk to each other rather than papering over a lack of interesting things to say with an activity.

Then don't let yourself get pushed into a string of hook-ups if you don't want that.

It's pretty easy to say no to sex even if you go back to someone's house. Accepting that invitation is a signal you might be up for sex, not that you are committed to having it. Several times I changed my mind for various reasons, made my excuses and left. If the man sulked then that was a bullet well dodged. Most men just took it in stride.

It is OK for either party in a dating context to want sex from the other, it is OK for either party to change their mind, neither of these things are red flags. I'm not saying anyone has to have sex they don't want to or if they feel it's too early - but they shouldn't be horrified at the idea that someone who's attracted to them might want it.

He may be lacking in emotional intelligence, this may be why he’s not spotting the subtle cues? But yeah, being a bit sulky about turning down home date, again is not attractive!! Does seem a bit lazy. See how he reacts if you’re clearer about why, if you can be bothered.

Surely meeting in the middle is still fine, if more of a day date, an hour drive is not the end of the world.

I'm clearly way out of touch. I wouldn't have a problem with this and it wouldn't have occurred to me that he wanted sex as a given thing. Just as well I never plan to date again.

I don’t think sex after 2 kisses is a “pretty normal next stage”. You might not be interested after those kisses, it’s fairly presumptuous to think a kiss automatically leads to sex.

To be honest, I think you should just tell him how you feel. You aren’t looking for sex, you don’t feel comfortable with home dates.

If he pulls away, you’ve got your answer that he isn’t right. If he respects your view, then good.

Don’t get me wrong, I think sex is important and some people like to get it out of the way like a compatibility test. However if the feeling isn’t mutual and you don’t want that, then it isn’t the right approach for you.

Hmmmm. I’d start briefing the date locations to be places like science museum, Tate Modern etc, so basically places you could meet for free and hang out sober. Home dates are for much later on and are by appointment of the host only. I’d find it a bit presumptuous.

This is what I was trying to express earlier. So perfectly put.

I don’t think he’s done anything wrong by asking, provided he didn’t try and argue when you said no. If it bothers you that he’s suggested it more than once, just tell him that you’re not ready for that yet and would rather stick to meeting in pubs or restaurants or whatever for now.

It’s possible he’s tight with money, which I would find unattractive. But I think you’ll soon get a sense of whether that’s the case anyway, just from the way he talks about money, how he wants to deal with the bill etc.

It’s also possible that he does, indeed, want sex. But wanting sex isn’t a crime. If I really fancied a man, I would probably be trying to suggest dates where it might be on the cards too. Provided he’s fine with you saying no and making it clear that you’re not comfortable yet, I don’t think that’s a red flag in itself.