Men suggesting home dates early on

When do they stop being a stranger?

Every person I’ve ever dated has been a stranger at some point.

Because there isn’t a specific number of dates at which you can definitively tell whether someone is a murderer or a rapist.

Yes, you could invite him in after one date and only then discover he’s a violent maniac the moment he steps through your door. You could also invite him in after the 10th date and only then discover he’s a violent maniac the moment he steps through the door. Most sexual and physical violence suffered by women is from long-established partners who are violent for the first time only after the relationship is very well-established.

I would invite a man into my home when I felt good and ready. That might be after loads of dates or it might be after one or two. Frankly, in my case it would more likely be one or two - if I fancied someone I’d like to have sex with him. If I didn’t fancy him enough to have sex with him early on, I wouldn’t want to go on a second or third date anyway and it would be a moot point.

Essentially, women can and should do what they feel comfortable with, based on what they personally feel is proportionate to any risk.

😆😆

This was so specific and so hilarious at the same time! 😂

"And as a dog owner I would not be happy if my dog sitter brought what is essentially a stranger to stay over in my home"

Exactly this. ^

He's disrespecting the home of someone who has allowed him there on trust and is planning to leave his sex-slop in someone else's bed.
😒
Big yuch from me.

It's something you both need to agree on.
He wants it
You don't
I would move on.
And as a dog owner I would not be happy if my dog sitter brought what is essentially a stranger to stay over in my home

Yep - ‘more real’ = easier to get those knickers off on the sofa rather than attempting a fumble in the pub car park

Indeed. A woman who has met you precisely once once previously doesn’t want to risk discovering that the Real You’s idea of a nice, ‘real’ second date involves doggy style over the back of your mangy sofa before she’s even taken her coat off, as the smell of stale fags and burning spag bol fills her nostrils…

I feel there's an element of performance about dates in public and that you can often be more real in private.

Mm hmm.

My question would be is he "pushing" or simply giving the home date as an option amongst others?

Men can be oblivious about safety concerns and while I'm not now, I certainly have been in the past and might well have suggested a home date fairly early on. I feel there's an element of performance about dates in public and that you can often be more real in private.

Nothing at all mercenary about not wanting to date someone who defaults to ‘It’s either a soft drink in a pub or you have to come over to mine for my bargain macaroni cheese, or alternatively come on a free dogsitting weekend’ from the second date.

I don't think anyone is suggesting you need to be Jeff Bezos but if you can't afford a meal or drinks or a coffee out every so often, then it's probably not the right time for you.

You'll probably find that women consider it a red flag that you think it's "mercenary" to want to date a man who can afford to pay for at least his own pizza and Coke.

Only people with money should date? Seems a bit on the mercenary side...

@Sunshine386 he doesn’t want to do dates . He has invited himself to your house and you think he would Exocet to stay over . He has invited you to a dog sitting job he is doing.

Has he invited you to his house at all ?

It would be a red flag for me!…
either he’s pushing for sex or he’s a serial killer!

Just be up front and actually say to him that you want to get to know someone before having them round your house or going to theirs. If he asks how many dates before ‘home dates’ are applicable just say ‘I can’t put a time on it, it’s just when I feel comfortable and ready!!’
Dont say 6 dates minimum to him…. Or he’ll be thinking on date 6 he can up the pressure again…

Men say what they need to say to get their leg over…. So don’t be too trusting that it’s a long term thing he actually wants !

You have just said it again “it’s difficult to get it right”.

How can you “get it right” with 51% of the population. It’s a really weird mindset.

No need to guess. Just be yourself. It won’t work with the wrong person and will work with the right person.

Why on earth would you invite a stranger into your home or go to theirs ?

I'd never usually consider, or offer, a home date until we were established. It sounds pushy as heck to me.

This is one of many reasons that I have given up on men. Every time we'd had one date,they were pushing to come back to my place next time. I even had one who was trying to get me to agree to come to mine for the evening on a first date. I got so fed up with it,as basically it's just a way of trying to get you to have sex with them. Once you agree to them coming to your house,that's all they ever want to do. I ended up finishing with one bloke because of this. Never wanted to go anywhere. I started to feel like he was ashamed to be seen outside with me!

Where did I say I think it's possible to "get it right" with all women or that women are a monolith?

I'm merely saying it's difficult to get right for a man. We usually are expected to figure it out, often with very little spoken or unspoken cues, and with the woman evaluating our every move - or lack of moves. Hence I suggested actually speaking about it rather than have him just guessing and/or being surprised when he does the wrong (or not enough of the right...) thing.

I agree, I met my DH online, we were both skint so had a lot of walks in the park or out in the countryside dates / he made me lunches / meets at pubs type of dates. Both of us paying for solicitors with divorces costs a lot.
Now he earns more than me, shallow to expect only rich men to want to date. It’s the effort that counts.

Why would you think it’s possible to “get it right” with all women. Women are not a monolith.

Don't know your age, but yeah, 3 dates is basically the standard.

Not that it's a must, but it's the norm as I understand it. Especially under say 30.

You basically can't win as guy. You're either too fast, too slow, too push, too nice, whatever. I'm fairly sure things went nowhere with numerous women when I was dating a few years ago for not moving things fast enough. Many of them told me quite clearly that was the reason. It's virtually impossible to get right, so we just default to a short-hand of the 3 date norm...

I get why you find it too pushy, but maybe you should just have an open conversation with him.

could be that he is also trying to see how low he can set the bar of his effort, to see how much you give in return? If he cooks and it doesn’t work out, would you find excuses for him and not make him feel bad etc. Or what your current lifestyle is. Basically focusing on the transactional aspect straight away.

That’s the difference. My ex H was part of a group who i knew from out and about locally and I knew some of his circle really well. So I had no qualms about him staying at mine after a few dates.

Nowadays as most dating is online, you really have no idea who these men are and really need to do a bit of due diligence before being alone with them