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Original poster

Men suggesting home dates early on

420 replies

Sunshine386 · 18/10/2025 09:44

I met a guy online, been on a couple of dates in pubs, seem to get on well and have kissed at the end of both dates. He seems to be looking for something longer term.

Thing is, he is really pushing for home dates. He even suggested it as an option for the second date, saying he could come to mine to cook or I could go to his, but he also suggested pub dates which we did. There is some distance between where we live so I don't know if that's partly why he suggested coming to mine to make things easier for me. However I was taken aback by the suggestion this early on.

I am all for this intimacy if I'm seeing someone for a bit, but it's been two meetings, and I am in the phase where I want to get to know someone over a few dates and see if they are the right fit. He's suggested home dates again for a third meeting but also given a meal out as an option, saying home dates are a good way of getting to know each other. He looked slightly put out when I wanted to go out somewhere. He also said he's away dog sitting for a couple of days at another house and even suggested casually that I could go there with him.

Would anyone else find this a little pushy this early on and off putting, and like he is trying to rush things? Surely if you've suggested home dates once and the person is not going for it you should just wait for them to give the green light. For me I would want to be inviting someone from online for a home date maybe 5th or 6th date minimum

OP posts:
neveragainmilly · 18/10/2025 13:39

No you should give me sex as soon as they request it
.....

That's what these men think

gannett · 18/10/2025 13:39

JHound · 18/10/2025 13:32

LOL!!

One might even say that sex is about the most important way to get to know someone you might want to have a relationship with.

Having sex with somebody tells you exactly zero about that person.

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It tells you about your sexual compatibility which is fairly fundamental to whatever kind of relationship ensues.

gannett · 18/10/2025 13:38

JHound · 18/10/2025 13:29

I did not say it was a red flag. But you seemed confused as to why a woman may find it a problem if the man she barely knew was pushing for sex as early as possible.

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It doesn't need to be a problem. If you don't want sex then say no. Wanting sex is fine, not wanting sex is fine.

As someone who has enjoyed a lot of casual sex I never found it hard to say no when I didn't want it. Even when I was back at the man's house already! I just said sorry, not up for it tonight, then we either just cuddled a bit or I made my excuses and left. No drama. Obviously if he sulked about it that would be the end of seeing him, but it's still not a problem.

YoureNotGoingOutLikeThat · 18/10/2025 13:37

JHound · 18/10/2025 13:18

Not wanting to jump into bed with a stranger and wanting ensure the person you are dating has the same intent as you, has nothing to do with women’s lib

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I think the discourse on here has broadly been about men being only interested in sex at the earliest opportunity and women deciding when the right time is in terms of number of dates rather than when she feels it is right suggests we are still performing patriarchal ideals. I mean, as women we have the societal pressure of not giving in too early, lest he think we are easy and will lose interest.

That's just a comment on the discourse theme rather than OPs issue.

BlueJuniper94 · 18/10/2025 13:34

JHound · 18/10/2025 13:29

I did not say it was a red flag. But you seemed confused as to why a woman may find it a problem if the man she barely knew was pushing for sex as early as possible.

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It's a clear sign of disrespect.

BlueJuniper94 · 18/10/2025 13:33

JHound · 18/10/2025 13:32

LOL!!

One might even say that sex is about the most important way to get to know someone you might want to have a relationship with.

Having sex with somebody tells you exactly zero about that person.

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Agreed, sex is the least. Bonnie Blue and Lily Phillips can surely attest to this.

BlueJuniper94 · 18/10/2025 13:32

gannett · 18/10/2025 10:36

I really don't understand why wanting sex is a bad thing in a man you're dating.

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Many women would prefer to build a strong emotional connection with their partner beforehand. Often men are just looking for sex alone and pretending they are interested in more to gain that sex. Many women feel temporary sterile relations like these are a waste of their time and energy. And bad for mental health.

JHound · 18/10/2025 13:32

gannett · 18/10/2025 13:04

Wanting sex and being eager to get to know you are not mutually exclusive. One might even say that sex is about the most important way to get to know someone you might want to have a relationship with.

In my experience you never fully know anyone for years anyway. I'm not waiting that long to have sex!

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LOL!!

One might even say that sex is about the most important way to get to know someone you might want to have a relationship with.

Having sex with somebody tells you exactly zero about that person.

Worried198423 · 18/10/2025 13:30

2 dates in,your practically strangers.
You're right notcto give your address.
He's making you feel like this,that's a sign.
He's pushing way too hard.
Just text him there will be no home dates in either house until you know each other better.
You'll know by his response what you should do.

JHound · 18/10/2025 13:29

gannett · 18/10/2025 12:57

People who don't want random shags are free to say no to them. It's still not a red flag to want sex.

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I did not say it was a red flag. But you seemed confused as to why a woman may find it a problem if the man she barely knew was pushing for sex as early as possible.

pikkumyy77 · 18/10/2025 13:24

gannett · 18/10/2025 13:02

Exactly!

Hosting someone and making it nice is much more effort than just going to a restaurant and getting the credit card out. I also think that assessing a man's ability to host, cook and clean is a bit more important in terms of assessing relationship potential than picking a decent restaurant.

Also, how much you want to have sex with someone has absolutely nothing to do with how much effort they do or don't put into a date. It's to do with how hot they are.

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Speak for yourself.

JHound · 18/10/2025 13:24

Doodlingsquares · 18/10/2025 12:53

I find it really interesting that so many consider a home date as 'low effort'... Id say its the opposite? A bloke inviting you to his home is likely going to be tidying up, cleaning a bit before you come, may be intending to cook for you which entails shopping, planning. How is that low effort?

You assume he will actually do all that….! 😄

Petrie999 · 18/10/2025 13:21

I also think there is something here about men being clueless as to why these situations feel less safe, and why women may need to feel more comfortable before inviting someone into their home. Not everyone of course, but some of my friends who are dating now take a more cautious approach (after one was stalked at her address following a date that ended badly). This is really reasonable as a reason, and something a lot of men don't even think about

AzureCats · 18/10/2025 13:21

All the doubt of whether he's just up for a shag would be cleared up if you just said "I take a while and several dates to get to know someone before going to their house (for sex)". Absolutely just wasting your own time otherwise. As PP said you'd soon get blocked if that's all they wanted. No hand wringing, heart break, double guessing, wasting time on the wrong guy.

And yup also agree with PO, just cos a guy wants sex doesn't mean you have to take your clothes off at the mere suggestion. Like yeah maybe I felt the pressure when I was 20 to please and perform, but by my late twenties I knew what I wanted and what I didn't. Have absolutely no problem saying no to sex whatever the circumstances. It's just part of growing up and knowing what you want from life.

JHound · 18/10/2025 13:18

YoureNotGoingOutLikeThat · 18/10/2025 11:56

It may be that you are on different expectation trajectories. Some men like to find out early if you are sexually compatible. Some women like the men to show they respect them by making them wait. My advice is if you want to sleep with him, then do so and if you don't then don't (likewise for men). Doesn't matter if it is the first date or fifty-first. He may decide not to wait and may think you are not interested in him in that way.

This thread does show up some fascinating insights on how we view men and women and dating in the 2020s. There is still the air of women not giving sex to men until they get to know them, the perception that men are only interested in sex rather than connection that could be long term. It's almost like nothing has really changed since women's lib.

Not wanting to jump into bed with a stranger and wanting ensure the person you are dating has the same intent as you, has nothing to do with women’s lib

Sequinsoneverythingplease · 18/10/2025 13:15

He isn’t looking for “long term”. You’ll likely be “ghosted” the minute the deed is done. Just be aware.

Tryingatleast · 18/10/2025 13:14

Either sec or he wants to jump into the cosy, curl up on the couch watching tv as a couple stage. You both sound very different, Id say go with whatever your gut says

Original poster
Sunshine386 · 18/10/2025 13:14

dollyblue01 · 18/10/2025 13:10

You don’t have to have sex , you can say no it’s too early, he may just want to spend time with you and get to know you abit better, not all men are like that.

the other context is that he lives around an hour away, so i think he would be expecting staying over

OP posts:
ComedyGuns · 18/10/2025 13:13

SquadGoals75 · 18/10/2025 10:19

Huge red flags!!! Please be careful.

This!!!

dollyblue01 · 18/10/2025 13:10

You don’t have to have sex , you can say no it’s too early, he may just want to spend time with you and get to know you abit better, not all men are like that.

JHound · 18/10/2025 13:10

EarthSight · 18/10/2025 11:52

You are really missing the point. Even though there's an almost a self-congratulatory element to your post, it makes you look clueless as to what a lot of men are like in the dating world.

This isn't about pearl-clutching women being put off by a men who are 'keen to have sex'.

There's a difference between a cheeky-chappy who's sexually attracted to a woman he's open to being with long-term, and one that is lying about his intentions and trying arrange scenarios where he'll find it easier to pressure a woman into having sex.

There are PLENTY of the latter ones online in particular. Statistically, I think this is what most men use dating apps for (if they're even single). They just view it as an enormous catalogue of women, and as they know a lot of women don't like or feel safe having casual sex, the only way they can relieve the itch is to lie and pretend they're looking for something deeper when they're not.

Although some will put in more effort than this guy, one of the ways they do that is to ensure they spend the least amount of effort & money into actually developing a relationship. After all, if they spent that much, they might as well hire a prostitute.

One of the ways they do this is by pushing for very cheap dates - either walking in the park or trying to get home dates early on. The fact that they're mainly after sex and not a proper relationship makes them particularly impatient, so they just don't really want to let things develop more naturally or at the woman's pace.

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100% spot on!

Especially this:

There are PLENTY of the latter ones online in particular. Statistically, I think this is what most men use dating apps for (if they're even single). They just view it as an enormous catalogue of women, and as they know a lot of women don't like or feel safe having casual sex, the only way they can relieve the itch is to lie and pretend they're looking for something deeper when they're not.

Unfortunately it feels like a lot of men see dating and especially OLD as trying to find a free sex worker experience.

I agree that a lot of women mocking this hesitancy are simply clueless of what is going on in the dating world because they exited years ago and never spent a long time in it due to good fortune.

Newsenmum · 18/10/2025 13:09

Silverbirchleaf · 18/10/2025 09:49

He’s not the man for you. He’s asked (fair enough) but you’ve declined and he’s not respecting your boundaries. He’s basically a stranger still.

Yes he is pushy, (and only after one thing).

Yeah it’s really
annoying and tbh a sign of things to come.

Original poster
Sunshine386 · 18/10/2025 13:07

Agree that some people who have had sex on the first or second date that that has worked out well for you, and you are with those long term partners still which is good. I'm not sure if those are people you've met online though or were they known to you before? The online dating field is quite different because they are complete strangers with no friends in common with you, essentially noone who knows you is likely to know them and be able to comment on their character or their past. So the getting to know you phase could be longer.

As other posters have said, you sometimes can't tell the difference in what people want early on if they want only sex or sex and a LTR - I'm seeking something long term rather than notches on my bedpost so would rather just wait a little bit longer to assess people and see if they are a good fit. I'm not talking ridiculous amounts of time, have invited someone over on 5th or 6th date in the past, but that is not a rule either and depends on the person. I don't think you really know someone until several months down the line but i think by 5th or 6th date you know more than 2nd or 3rd date.

OP posts:
CrimsonStoat · 18/10/2025 13:06

Doodlingsquares · 18/10/2025 12:53

I find it really interesting that so many consider a home date as 'low effort'... Id say its the opposite? A bloke inviting you to his home is likely going to be tidying up, cleaning a bit before you come, may be intending to cook for you which entails shopping, planning. How is that low effort?

I'd like a man with a tidy, clean house and who shops on a regular basis.

That would be baseline adult for me.

gannett · 18/10/2025 13:04

pikkumyy77 · 18/10/2025 12:58

Because he can get sex from anyone, and a blow up doll. I am unique and the person I am dating should be eager to get to know me. (35 years in a successful relationship that started through OLD).

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Wanting sex and being eager to get to know you are not mutually exclusive. One might even say that sex is about the most important way to get to know someone you might want to have a relationship with.

In my experience you never fully know anyone for years anyway. I'm not waiting that long to have sex!

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