Men suggesting home dates early on

I don’t disagree that a woman’s personal safety may be at risk when alone in private with any man.

On this thread, the reference has been in relation to having online dates at home, with a man you don’t know from Adam. I wouldn’t have that down as “things to do on my wishlist”.

To me, avoiding the obvious grim rape/sexual offending scenarios..:

Its also that you don't want a stranger, knowing where you live /your household /any details that you don't actively choose to give them about your life...

Friends and me, between us have racked up :

-Someone who copied keys and sold them to local ne'er do wells.

-Another stole birthday money sitting in cards from pal's birthday previous week.

-Wouldn't leave after refused sex, and had to be thrown out by large male neighbours at 2am after cops didn't show up.

-Another who had the bloke she wasn't at all interested in, show up multiple times and low level stalk her.

-another took Screenshots of her bank statement on the noticeboard to show his pals?! (why?!)

.... Varied from the criminal to unsettling

Home dates are a hard no from me until I know them pretty well

One of my best mates is dating and she has great boundaries. She tells them up front she only wants to go on dates out the house and that she doesn’t sleep with men until she likes and trusts them. That this takes at least 3 months and twelve dates for her.

This weeds out all the arseholes.

His inability to read the signs might be an indication that he's not the one for you, but if you think there's possibility there, I might just be more forthright and tell him plainly what you're thinking. His reaction determines whether he's worth your time and makes your expectations clear. You don't owe him anything, and even if every other woman he's ever dated has slept with him immediately—so what? He needs to learn that it doesn't always work that way. It would be a useful lesson for him.

So you would advise young women to just go to the homes of men they don’t know?

And yet if a woman goes to a strange man’s home and is attacked - people like Jade will question why she stupidly went home with a strange man.

I am wondering why you are commenting without reading the posts.

Please don’t use the appalling death of Clodagh Hawes and her children as ballast for a remarkably silly post advocating women put themselves in harm’s way with male strangers.

Would you say this kind of thing to young female family member? or is it just to random women on the internet?

Yes, as women we are at risk of being killed by our partners, that does not mean that we shouldn't be cautious about new men because ones we know well could kill us anyway 🥴

Many men show red flags within the first few dates, so by being cautious at the start women do avoid the risk at least some of the time.

Our personal safety is at risk with men we know aswell.

Men we don't know well are not more of a risk than men that we do know well.

I was just reading a book about a man who murdered his wife and three children in ireland. They had been married for a long time

I love men.

I’m just not willing to put my personal safety at risk to prove that to anyone.

Do you even like women?

It's a fact of life that unfortunately there are a lot of shit men out there yet you seem to want to deny the lived experience and make women explain why they feel like they have to be cautious, or why our brains are literally doing our brains job by generalising/stereotyping for red flags etc in order to try to keep us safe and protect our wellbeing.

Yep - so there’s only two times of women apparently, penis panderers or msn haters with absolutely no shades of grey or nuance

100% - I’m attracted to men, I’ve been married and had relationships

Im not willing to have my boundaries violated just to appease a virtual stranger bloke.

It means that anything women do that men don't like, including not going to their homes when they don't feel safe or don't want to, or being wary of being used for sex, is man-hating. Obviously.

What on earth is that supposed to mean?

I like men. I like men a lot. 🙂

But that doesn't mean I am willing to put myself in a vulnerable position before I have had a chance to evaluate a prospective partner.

I’m wondering why some of the women on this thread even bother dating.

Do you even like men?

This is just sound common sense to me.

It's not just women, many men make the exact same statements about men when they're warning their daughters about them.

Some women say 'all men are the same' and don't date.
Others say it but they know that it's not all, just a lot, so they continue to date, hopeful that they may find one who is not the same.

Different relationships move at a different pace. It’s really not fair to blame people for wanting to have sex with someone they fancy.

Not fair in what way? Are we not even allowed to think something?

My point is that some of the women on this thread are doing that to men - making vast sweeping statements like ‘all men want is sex’/‘if they want a home date they just want a shag’

Yes, I know. You said that already. And my response to that is that a) you're doing the generalising, while apparently being a woman who doesn't subscribe to that idea and therefore disproving your own accusation b) you're further disproving yourself by also claiming that the poor men "can't win" because actually not all women react the same way to everything, almost as if we're people and c) even if your accusations and complaints were true, it doesn't matter, because in the interests of safety and consent, women can have any bloody thought process they like. They're not obliged to go home with anyone and they don't owe him an explanation.

I get it, I get it, you're not like other girl and you're well cool, but can you please lay off poo-pooing our consent like that? As if there's a morally dubious way of deciding you don't want to go to some guy's house, as if your thought process on your own consent can in some way be unfair to men?

My point is that some of the women on this thread are doing that to men - making vast sweeping statements like ‘all men want is sex’/‘if they want a home date they just want a shag’

It’s just not true. Men are all different too you know.

I’ve dated a lot of men in the last few years. Some have asked to go home with me on the first date. Sometimes - shock horror - I have. Others want lots of ‘public’ dates and seem nervous about progressing things. Others suggest a ‘home date’ on the third date. Still others have wanted to do this but I’ve held back and we’ve waited.

Here’s the thing: not one of them has turned out to be a weirdo, a stalker or a serial killer. I’ve used my judgement.

Different relationships move at a different pace. It’s really not fair to blame people for wanting to have sex with someone they fancy.

Yes, but that's all entirely irrelevant to all the complaints and accusations about generalising and how men can't "win" because women aren't all the same.

It’s simple.

If you want to date someone but don’t want to have sex with them yet, don’t go to their house.

If you don’t want to go to their house because you’re worried they might be a serial killer, don’t date them.

If you never want to have sex with them, don’t date them.