DH and I are parents of three teens. All have ADHD, it’s stressful and intense but I find beauty and gratitude in the chaos. There’s also the added stress of coming to an age where our jobs are less sure and our earning power will start to reduce etc so lots to think about and plan financially. Our couple life is non existent, despite couples therapy to deal with our parenting differences and the aggressive way he talks to me and the kids and also our lack of ‘couple life’. Despite pleading and his promises, he still has not decided to date me and treat me as a wife while I watch him go out for lunches and dinner dates with friends and work colleagues. I highly suspect he may be paying for services as he did admit to ‘massages’.
Last year during a stressful time at work he accepted to do coke with his younger work colleagues. He has carried on doing it all year, and I can see it makes him moody, sniffly, aggressive. He was taking it in the mornings to focus at work and that surely means he’s been on dad duty while high. He also bought it while we were on holiday in a place with harsh punishments if caught.
We put things on the table before summer and he sought help, he’s having therapy and hypnosis but I made it clear if he hadn’t stopped by Xmas we are done. He was also diagnosed with ADHD and is now medicated for that. He’s lost quite a bit of weight too, We have barely spoken since May but this week we tried to talk. I made it clear he’s crossing so many boundaries - he puts it on me saying I never agree with how things need to run.in the house. He has very very high expectations of how we and the kids should be and finds it difficult to adjust them despite some considerably neurodiversity in our kids. Some wives may have no issue with Coke use. I have zero tolerance for drugs. I have the right to not want that in our relationship and I told him that.
Today I found his stash - it’s just not all going I the right direction, I don’t know what to do, Do I need to give him more time for his treatments to work or do I play hardball and say please leave while you’re still taking it? We have couples therapy booked for the end of November that he instigated as he says he knows I find it easier to talk there. But I’m angry with him as we were doing it for months to deal with the vibe he creates in the house without me knowing he was on coke so basically the whole think was a joke to him in some way.
He’s a good dad, a good partner but not in the romantic sense. I don’t want to break up - we’ve been together since young and could have so much to look forward to once the kids are grown. We have a lot going for us as a couple if we can find our way back but he is so stubborn and in most aspects of life - only his way is the right way which most of the time I’m ok with but increasingly I feel not listened to and unable to take it. I feel incredibly lonely, scared but resolute I won’t walk on this path with him, He says he’s bored of our small circle of friends etc and he does like to party (this I’ve always known and it’s cool even tho when we go on holiday he meets new groups and I’m sidelined while he socializes with them and does what he wants). I tried to book an activity that interests me and he didn’t come - just went to bed for a nap instead and left me to it with the kids.
I could go on - he has my sympathy, I had a breakdown in 2015 with the stress, I feel he’s having his now. But he’s doing it in a far riskier way and seemingly his now actively choosing coke and whatever else over me. Am I being unreasonable to go heavy handed now and ask him to temporarily leave while he gets himself together?