To think we spend too long ‘parenting’ now, and it’s turned young adults into eternal children?

I was a depressed teen.

that was because I had a serious medical issue which my parents didn’t acknowledge. I was in constant pain but my parents didn’t believe in doctors and also didn’t believe in painkillers so I managed without.

i tried to overdose age 15 because I didn’t want to live a life of permanent pain.

when I went to uni (and it was made very clear I wasn’t to come back) the uni medical services spotted the issue and I was referred by my uni GP and had a couple of operations.

I will never, never subject either of my children to the absolutely shit parenting that I had.

my mum had the fucking temerity to remark to me the other day that “you always were a healthy child and we had such an easy ride through the teenage years with you”.

i can’t say that about my two kids but at least they never spent their teen years in constant pain and depressed because of it.

there are worse things than doing a young adults laundry for them.

Yep, absolutely as I have also said in later posts.
My parents are older now and I support them. Of course it goes both ways.

@PersephoneParlormaid

he can still move out and do a phd?

Curious as to why you’ve asked the question - do you have young adult kids, or is it something you’re worried about in the future for younger children?

Or just a general gripe?

Over the last 20 years we have become a nanny run society. My parents felt no pressure back in the 80's and 90's these days mothers especially feel the pressure to continue raising their adult children. It's ridiculous.

No but she's assumed everyone gets the MH support she had. They don't.

@Upsidedownagain

Moving out is very difficult for many young people these days. And why is it a necessity? Multi generational living is not necessarily a bad thing. I expected to be independent after university and I was, bar about 8 months aged 23 when I returned home, working locally, until I secured a professional position elsewhere. As did all my friends.

There's nothing wrong with living at home/with parents til your late 20s/early 30s, if you're working, and contributing to the family finances, and helping with domestic chores, and cooking now and again, and doing the washing etc... The OP (and many other posters) are talking about people who completely fail to launch. Don't leave home, can't work/won't work, don't lift a finger to help in the house, lie in bed til middday, and expect mummy to do everything for them. Girls/women do this yes, but boys/men are more likely to do it, and to do it for longer.....

One of mine left for Uni and never came home to live again. One stayed until he got a girlfriend and could afford to rent together. The last one is still at home and I can’t see him ever moving out, he’s on his degree now and intends to do a masters and PhD. All have had to get a weekend job in the last year of school, I insisted on it

That was my first thought I wonder where she lives.

Yes and almost always women, no blaming the patriarchy for this one.

My oldest 22 is at university working and is planning on living with her boyfriend when she leaves. My 19 year old is planning on going to university next year and then she will love in another country. My 17 year old works at McDonald's and is planning to do the same as her older sisters. I think it's exciting that they are living their lives and are making plans and saving and investing in their future. No nonsense approach and tough love has got them there.

YADNBU. The extended childhood/adolescence that so many young people experience these days does them no favours whatsoever. Independence, responsibility, and freedom at younger ages should be encouraged, which consequently will have the effect of building confidence and self-esteem.

@shuggles

Contrary to what mumsnet thinks, one of the biggest influences in the lives of teenagers and young men is women. Men will do a plethora of things with 'women' being the sole motivation. Therefore, in their teens and early 20s, young men generally ventured out into pubs and clubs, and socialised, hoping to find women they liked.

The issue nowadays is that a lot of young men have discovered that women don't like them very much. So where do you go, or what do you do, when women don't like you? The answer is nowhere. So instead, young men will pour their energy into hobbies, video games, work etc.

I think that's a load of nonsense.

.

I think the issue of financial assistance and 'parenting' are two entirely different things. I intend to help my DC with a house deposit when the day comes and am saving for this, but I don't organise their lives or get involved in things. I believe these things have to start young as the child's personality is developing. My youngest is 12 and another early teens so obviously I control everything financially. But if they need something bought online they have to source it before I buy it, if we go to a shop and don't see what they want, they have to approach the staff alone and sort it out. Likewise getting a hair cut or ordering food I stand back and let them do the talking and then I pay the money or give them the money in advance. If they dont want to do the talking, then the job doesn't get done, that's their choice. If they are nervous and unsure what to say, we role play in advance so they are confident. I often see friends do the opposite, they take over, making the child look incompetent and probably feel it too. It's so damaging to self esteem.

I don't get involved in homework because that's their responsibility but obviously I would need to get involved if they are failing things. I don't drive to the school if they forget their lunchbox, or drop over a raincoat so they won't get wet. There are natural consequences to everything and as a result they never forget homework or lunchboxes.

So far my eldest has (I think) benefitted from this approach, at 17 it wouldn't occur to him to ask me to organise his transport or driving lessons or training schedules etc, but obviously I have to provide financial support until he has established himself in the world. Different challenges face him than in my day but ultimately we are the same, every generation has their struggle and each finds a way to get through it. My generation seem to be the only ones with massive egos that can't allow or trust the next rise up and face their own challenges.

That's not the ops fault. A little unfair to throw that at her. I hope she worked through and came out the other end. CAMHS is secondary the primary support, care and therapy comes from the parents. It must have been very tough on you as well to watch and listen to her feelings. As a child gets older though and becomes an adult you have to use tough love to help them move towards independence.

@Crapola25

why did you let your mother run around after you making your breakfast and dinner etc? A one off when visiting - fine, but everyday when you live together - nah!

@Upsidedownagain Moving out is very difficult for many young people these days. And why is it a necessity? Multi generational living is not necessarily a bad thing. I expected to be independent after university and I was, bar about 8 months aged 23 when I returned home, working locally, until I secured a professional position elsewhere. As did all my friends.

I partly agree, but one of the big issues with living at home is that job opportunities for many people within commuting distance of their parental home is usually very limited.

Previous generations before me made a very strange decision to reappropriate housing as an "investment asset" rather than simply places where people live. The consequence of that is that if young people want to move across the country to get a job or build up experience, they will be paying huge sums of money into the pockets of a crooked Russian landlord, hunched over in the shadows and rubbing his hands together with greed.

@PrissyGalore

yep sounds like she’ll be living with you for a loooooooong time. She doesn’t wanna ‘slum it’ even slightly does she? Sad really, cos there’s definite pluses to living in a shared house or renting or whatever will deffo make up for not having the nicest bathroom etc.

I agree up to a point but the world these children have grown up in is very different from past generations. And being quite old myself, my parents, who grew up after the war, saw my generation as getting a lot more support in many ways than they had.

Moving out is very difficult for many young people these days. And why is it a necessity? Multi generational living is not necessarily a bad thing. I expected to be independent after university and I was, bar about 8 months aged 23 when I returned home, working locally, until I secured a professional position elsewhere. As did all my friends.

But now many stay home for years into their 20s and there's no stigma attached to it. My early 20 kids are simply not in a position to move out unless we stumped up their rent. They do have jobs. They take care of themselves most of the time, including making their own meals and paying their way for all their needs. Yes we support them emotionally and with some practical things: one is ND and the other has had significant mental health issues which they are coping with much better these days. We're also lucky that they can each have a decent sized bedroom - in some ways they are a bit like lodgers, without the rent.

Looked at objectively, I don't see it as so terrible. I wouldn't be happy with an adult child having nothing in their life and being house bound, but I suspect most people like that have significant issues and needs related to operating as independent adults, and there have always been people like that. Sons and daughters who stayed single and never left the family home; people in the past often lived in boarding houses with a landlady to cook and clean for them.

We just talk about them a lot more these days and have labels we can use to describe them.

@Nescafeneeded and this looks like depression in 20 year olds as they spend all their time gaming and on tech in their rooms etc?

That's nothing to do with parents.

Contrary to what mumsnet thinks, one of the biggest influences in the lives of teenagers and young men is women. Men will do a plethora of things with 'women' being the sole motivation. Therefore, in their teens and early 20s, young men generally ventured out into pubs and clubs, and socialised, hoping to find women they liked.

The issue nowadays is that a lot of young men have discovered that women don't like them very much. So where do you go, or what do you do, when women don't like you? The answer is nowhere. So instead, young men will pour their energy into hobbies, video games, work etc.

It's a pretty empty existence, but an existence nonetheless.

I was a very depressed teen (CAMHS, SSRIs, self harm etc) but left at 18 with the contents of my child savings account

A "child savings account"? Lucky you. Before I started working at 17, there was probably only about £200 in my bank account.

Lucky you. My suicidal child couldn't even get an appt with CAMHS.

I agree and think this will really show up when they have children and just don't have the skills to parent their own children when they aren't even used to caring for themselves.

Yes, whilst there are some girls too these days, (who stay at their parents home for many years,) when I was growing up, boys/men never left home until they found a woman/a wife/a partner. And if they didn't find one, (or one who wanted to live with them/married them,) they would stay with their parents. And the mum waited on them hand and foot. The longer time went on/the older they got, the lower the chances were of them getting a woman!!!

And yes indeed, some were still with mum and dad in their 50s and 60s. Then when the parents died, the man inherited the house, or the tenancy. Some councils didn't let 'children' inherit, and wouldn't let a single male occupy a 3-bed house, but they would allocate them a 1-bed flat (or a small bungalow if they were over 65, and/or had a disability.) Then a sister, or an aunt, or a female cousin would 'help' them with housework, cooking, washing, and life admin. They were NEVER independent.

Girls/young women (including myself) left home and got their own place. (Often by early 20s.) With a friend, or on their own. Or they'd go work on a cruise ship, or work at a holiday camp, or work abroad in bars and hotels whilst travelling. I couldn't wait to leave home, and left at 19, and moved to a big city, where I did temp office work, learned new skills, travelled with friends I made, and learned life skills/how to budget and fend for myself. (Yes, some girls/young women went straight from their parents to getting married/living with a man, but some did go it alone for some years...)

I moved back 'home' at 23, (after 4 years,) and stayed til I was 24.5. I met DH at 23.5, and moved in with him a year after dating. Never went back. DH had lived with his parents til he moved in with me (he was 25.) If he hadn't met me, he very likely would not have moved out til his 30s, if at all. (Unless he had met another woman!) He was very close to his mum, and she spoilt him rotten, and he was hard work to start with, and expected me to be his mummy. He learnt fast!!!

.

@Nescafeneeded a single room in an HMO houseshare where I live starts at £1100 per room, before bills. That is before a travel card / commuting costs to any job.

Please tell me how an 18/19 year old could afford this if I, as a professional with an established career, would find this kind of cost leaving me with very little disposable income.

As a teacher today, I'm seeing more and more children with depression and severe mental health issues. We are completely over-stretched and under resourced. Unfortunately unlike you, op, many of them can't even access cahms or the help they need due to how stretched we are. I commend you on your resilience but it isn't as black and white and just "getting on" with it as it seems. My heart breaks for some of these kids who turn 18. I certainly wouldn't be pushing them out the door. I also haven't come across any who could afford accommodation at 18 if they were kicked out