To think we spend too long ‘parenting’ now, and it’s turned young adults into eternal children?

I left home at 17, when you could do that.
Now it's different and I think now our dc's are living with us into their 20's and even beyond, we as parents need to give a little.
If we treat them like children, they'll act like children. And if we want them to act like adults we need to allow them as much say in the running of the household as we can.
I rather see my situation as a house share with other adults, and try not to have a me and them attitude.

I really don’t think my parents’ generation had it easy! But maybe that’s because I am older than you….(in my 50s).
For a start, rationing when they were children. Then the fact that the current social security system was only introduced in 1948, so when my father was a young child and his own father died they were left in poverty. He remembers being hungry, no presents at Christmas, children in his school with no shoes feet and wrapped in rags. He left school at 14 to work to help his mother pay the bills.
After he married my mum they first lived in rooms in a house riddled with mice. Eventually yes he worked and saved and was able to buy a house after a few years but in no way was it easy.
After he retired he fairly quickly got ill due to years of working in a factory (fewer health and safety regulations then).
When I speak to others of that generation they have similar stories.
Of course I don’t think we should go back to those days and I am very glad things have changed for the better, but the idea that the older generation had it ‘easy’ is laughable.

Yes, it's less common (though I have been served in a shop by a 15 year old, as it happens, and I know a boy that age teaching swimming lessons), but what is your point? It's still really good for kids who are totally capable of doi We should be objecting to regulations that make it difficult for businesses to hire kids that age. this. And if it is the situation we find ourselves in, we should try and work around it in another way, as I said above.

This is actually a fascinating point

Your son won't get the lifestyle he wants if he did sit on the sofa waiting. It's not luck your son wants to work he shows passion in what he wants to do. People see that and they want him. Don't minimise your son's efforts. A lot of young adults are either playing playstation or sleeping in bed. People will always look for an excuse to why their young adult children has no drive or ambition. The attitude is just get the fuck up and get on with this shit it ain't gonna get any better. While planes are flying people are living their good lives while they are sitting around watching and complaining.

We have our 18 and 21 year old still at home, the 18 year old is at uni and looking for a job but has had one. The 21 year old is at work and college. They both contribute to the house and will wash their own cooking and wash dishes and do a wash or a shop if we are away. The both know how to clean and tidy the house. Im happy they are still at home. I left home at 18 and came back a few times with my husband and then when we had kids as a stop gap. We have always had our parents there for us.

The thing that kills me is when people have children 25+ who are getting married or having babies, and their parents are concerned by them doing these things “so young.” Historically, people’s mid-twenties have not been an extension of adolescence, and if the adult children are competent, stable, and happy, I think people should count their blessings.

They're a divided bunch. The go getters and the rest. I have two sets of kids almost a generation apart. I'm much more involved with the youngest pair as I'm older possibly and less busy with making a living. It's done then no favours. The older two are much more resilient and harder working and driven. Dare I say it but the youngest two have had more privileges and money and are entitled. I don't baby them, perhaps my son a bit as he's at uni and not coping very well. But he's decided to stay there during his leave of absence because he wants to grow up but he's also lazy and knows coming home would mean taking on feedback about his efforts or lack of it and because he doesn't want any responsibility - which he's told me himself. Entitled.

FFS the older generation have been moaning about the younger generation for at least 2500. Socrates him self had a pop at them. They are just as entitled and lazy as you were at the same age.

I think your being very harsh. I'm 35 and think I've had it easy compared to 20 year olds today. I got into university with average grades and when I graduated I was able to work as a waitress and afford to rent a 3 bed house while saving up to travel the world for a few years before coming back and settling down with a job. The older generation had it easier still. My FIL bought their council house for £16,000 and recently valued it for £146,000 and his mum bought her house for £4,000 which he inherited and sold for £139,000. They get to retire early while the pension age is rising for us and will rise again and again for the younger generation. Let's face it people are now living 25-30 years in their retirement and the government can't afford that. 🤷

The house down the road that I rented in 2012 after university is now renting for 4 times the amount per month. The price of rent on top of all the other bills is too much, no single person could afford that. No one wants to live with their parents after 22/23 years old but they have no choice.

Food and everything else is a lot more expensive, it's harder to get driving lessons/tests, harder to get a job then at the end of it all the retirement age will probably rise and rise, private rent is rising so no one can afford to save to get a mortgage, I understand why people are depressed. This is constantly being mentioned online, on the radio and on TV so they always have to hear about it. I'm honestly scared for my children. I think parents are more scared about their children's bad mental health status that they are probably babying them more than they should. I know of 4 people who have committed suicide in our small village in the last few years. It's scary.

This is an interesting debate. There is a difference between supporting your children and babying them.

For example, my mum was always supportive of me, which included me living at home until I was in my late 20s, however all she gave me was a roof over my head. Nothing else. I (and sibling) would be in charge of making our own money, contributing to the house, doing our own laundry etc. When I was in between jobs I went on benefits and job hunted and even started a side hustle - because there was a culture in my house that encouraged work. It was embarrassing to be a “bum”.

I have heard of some parents that continue to parent their adult children as if they are useless and I believe that enables laziness. Just because your adult children are at home, that doesn’t mean that they should be treated like a child. They should make their own breakfast. They shouldn’t feel comfortable living off mum and dad unless it’s a pit stop or they are genuinely sorting themselves out for the next chapter of their lives.

I do have a teen, and we are starting to have conversations about work experience and GCSEs and the future. I always tell her to keep her hobbies, take opportunities, and keep the house clean. Yes, she pushes back, but all of these things build character and work ethic. And drills in the importance of contributing.

I honestly wouldn't want my kids to have that life I did when I was younger. It's no life to basically either be at work or sleeping. Little point to actually having my flat. In hindsight I should have moved back home, and let my ex have the flat and stress of it, while then using that breathing space to save.

and that's an odd way to look at it - should all live together rather than buying a car individually using their own money?

the op does have some valid points, but there is a happy medium to be had. My kids have a roof over their heads as long as they want it. We all function as a family unit - all do things around the house. Eldest is a good cook. Both are very independent , but equally know when to ask for help.

ironically, I moved out as my home life was stifling. My mum wouldn't let anyone else cook, but wasn't open to suggestions to other things to eat. She insisted in doing everything (but was a bit of a martyr) wanted me to be independent but didn't want to give me the skills (partly because she is completely dependent on others) and hated that I was actually independent. Some, when looking in from the outside, would say I had a cushy life (and I did to be fair) but I hated it and couldn't wait to get that independence. And the reason I was stubborn and kept the flat when my relationship finished. But hindsight tells me that did a number on my mental health.

Yes I agree. I think that leaving home for uni/college etc at 18 is a good idea. It teaches budgeting and self sufficiency. However that doesn’t mean that “parenting” ends. It really never ever does.

Worst case scenario would be my elder brother. My parents babied him all his life and never prodded him to be independent.
He's now 55 yrs old, still living at home. He can't do laundry or cook a meal. Has no idea about bills or home insurance and panics if he thinks he has to do anything himself.
He is also no help to them with any household jobs, he just can't cope with any pressure. He will be utterly useless if they ever need any kind of care.

As I said, this is probably the worst case!

My DC are 20 and 17. They both still live at home with us and are both still in education, one uni (commutes) one college. Of course we still parent them, and we buy the groceries and pay their car insurances...however, they have both had jobs from age 14, hospitality based mostly with some variation at times, both bought and run their own cars, and pay for their own social activities and clothes/toiletries etc. I think it would be unreasonable to have expected them at 18 to move out (although older one did have a live in job for a year at 18) and I don't believe by not doing so that we have turned them into eternal children. They come and go, often cook for themselves, do the majority of their own laundry and, with a fair wind behind them, will take the step to independence in good time. After all, I didn't fully leave home for good until the day I got married at 30...I'd be quite happy if they were the same!

YABU. Every child/ young adult is different and on a different timeline. What is right for one, isn’t for another. It’s up to each parent to assess what is right for their child and support them as best as they can, which will look different for every family. I personally don’t agree with the whole ‘I left home at 18 with a bin bag of clothes and I’ve turned out just fine’ argument; great for you that you’ve managed to thrive through that, but it doesn’t mean that that is the only way, or the right way to do things. Surely we learn from our parents but try and improve upon this for our children? The phrase two wrongs don’t make a right springs to mind - just because you suffered doesn’t mean your children should!

What a daft comment! But how typically Mumsnet. Maybe we could compare it to the turn of the 20th century or Victorian times if you like?

I mean compared to just a few years ago or to the time when most posters are referring - the time they were late teens/early twenties, so 1980's, 90's, 2000s.

But you knew that, you were just trying and failing to be "clever" 🙄

Completely agree

"It's a very different world out there for kids now"

Compared to what? Our grandparents went to war

I don’t agree with this. I don’t remember any MH support when I was a teenager. It was never discussed at school. Looking back, one of my school friends was clearly anorexic but I didn’t realise it at the time, or even if I had I wouldn’t have had any idea what to do about it anyway.
When my parents went through a difficult divorce I didn’t talk about it to anyone, as I didn’t realise that actually that wasn’t a good experience for a 12 year old to go through.
When I was sexually harassed at 15 I told my mum but she didn’t talk to me about how I felt about it. I didn’t tell anyone else as I felt too ashamed.

Whereas now at my DCs schools they are given loads of information about MH support. Yes CAMHS has ridiculously long waiting lists but there are lots of other sources eg websites like Kooth, Young Minds. DSs school has a counsellor and they have regular talks and what to do if you are struggling with MH issues.

Also I think as parents we are now much more open about talking about these things, not like my parents ‘stiff upper lip’ generation.

I often see comments on MN ‘children nowadays are suffering due to a lack of MH support’. Yes it could definitely be a lot better but you can’t say that it’s worse than in the past.

It doesn't because I responded to YOU. Perhaps don't derail?

@YorkshireGoldDrinker

riiiiight….sorry but I have no idea what your aunts situation, or your situation, has to do with what OP is talking about! Can you explain?

You’ve got to be a bit of a martyr (or utterly clueless) to permit that to happen, though. I have teen boys and both can and do cook regularly - clean up after themselves, vacuum, garden and do general chores. They accept it’s part of being in a family and of course they do moan now and again. They also have bank accounts and I’ve taught them the basics of money etc.

If you enable poor behaviour and don’t teach your children how to function, then of course they will end up feckless and unmotivated. Along with this is reaching then how to enjoy life, and allowing their individual personalities to flourish, so they have a zest for life and become healthy and well adjusted adults.