To think we spend too long ‘parenting’ now, and it’s turned young adults into eternal children?

I agree judge no-one I know (millenial) or older expected studio apartments when starting out, it was all grotty flat/house shares and we got a lot of our furniture out of skips, left behind by previous tenants or secondhand. All our crockery was either free stuff ppl would leave behind or pint glasses stolen from pubs😅

Based on what I hear from parents and also those who work with young adults I think you're right OP. I work with parents who are constantly chauffeuring their teens around, waking them up for sixth form, tidying their bedroom, doing their uni applications for them, you name it. I feel sorry for their kids because they're going to have a horrible shock someday.

Probably not but one can't constantly quote housing costs in isolation, expectations now are far higher and I don't mean just the proliferation of technology which is replaced or upgraded regularly. It was very common that when children set up their own home, be it renting or owning, they would usually start off with a lot of second hand furniture, often from their parents who saw it as a good opportunity to have a new sofa etc.. It wouldn't be sufficiently Instagram attractive though but that's their own choice.

Daft comment? What I find odd is that your basis for comparison is some 30 year (barely a fraction of a blip in human history) anomaly.

Ivyfanclub, I had a ration book as a child, I think bread was still rationed till 1954..we didn't have "stuff" that's expected now,no car, phone or TV. Df was disabled and no benefits in the 50s,DM had a couple of cleaning jobs.. when I got to teenage years, she worked a long ft day at American express and then pot washing in local pub as well, and yes,they bought their council house,no central heating,or fitted kitchen for 20 years..we lived in a couple of rooms,shared bathroom when I married my first husband,no fridge or washing machine. Then we bought a caravan,cold metal box,not like todays park homes. Did my nursing training in 1972 , 3 years later, first house,2 up to down, unmodernised. Holidays were camping in a field,walk to the toilet block..

Depends on what you view as growing up. I was one of the first of my peers to leave my hometown and go live somewhere else when I went to Uni shortly after I turned 19.

Sure I was home for the holidays but it sure gave me a taste of life living somewhere different, meeting people from all around the world and engaging into research and debate about things like the law, social constructs and media bias.

I paid my accommodation and living costs (rent, bills etc) through my student loan. So I had to do my own budgeting. And I obviously did my own cooking and cleaning.

Some students went of doing work placements or traveling solo during the holidays and others including me just went home and got a summer job.

My childhood friends who didn’t go to uni were mainly still living full-time with their parents until their early 20s. Handed over £200 monthly to pay for their keep which covered food and contribution to bills. Their parents often cooked for them and did the bulk of the housework and even weekly shopping. Even the ones who moved out at 18 it was mostly because they had fallen pregnant or moved in with a man. And it was nearly almost always like two streets away from their parents home. It was rare for people to leave the town.

They did all move quickly into “settling down” mode ie. living together and/or kids quicker and a good proportion are now divorced or went onto have multiple kids from various men. So I’m not sure if it was a good move and certainly wouldn’t say it made them more “grown up” just because they went into full time work quicker.

My teenage DS has just shouted down the stairs to ask me to make him a bacon butty for breakfast. He's just come in from milking on a farm, and was up at five, as that's his weekend job. I've just replied that I am busy, which I am, and he's quite capable of making his own breakfast. Equally he can pop his own clothes in the washer. Yes rents are high and yes some jobs are difficult to come by however basic skills are free. I won't enable him to become a useless dependant adult.

I think this is also due to the high numbers of those offspring going straight into university at 18 - whether needed or not for a chosen career. It’s viewed, almost, as a continuation of school.
decades ago many kids left school at 16 and maybe went straight into a job or apprenticeship. The select few carried on with further education. Those going into jobs generally grew up a lot quicker. Nowadays every Tom, Dick or Sheila goes to university, as an accepted rite of passage.

Obviously the economic situation doesn't help, but from the 20 somethings I work with its the lack of maturity. One can only manage a couple of days a week, lives off mum and his gf, Is filthy, physically stinks, no plans other than to play computer games. Has had 15 jobs in 7 years, usually gets fired. likely to get sacked soon Like a 13 yr old mentally in a mid 20s body. No drive to be independent. fuck knows what gf sees in him
The other has worked 10 years, good work ethic, but apparently has no savings and owes debts..just how? Bemoaning the cost of moving out, but if you can't save money working ft, whilst paying minimal keep how will you ever be independent. Doesn't get on with parents and I can see why.
The other lives at home but its like they are going home from school, mum picks up, does all household, they go home and go to activities, no idea what financially they do though.

I think whilst being in the family home they should still function as adults. Expectations should be that they have adult attitude and a share of household responsibility.

I think the point is, different generations have different struggles. Kids still need to learn to be resilient adults.

This “hands off/free range” approach to parenting is very fashionable at the moment with everyone and their dog banging on about “the importance of being bored”

It's a tried and tested method of parenting, not a form of neglect. It's a contrast to overscheduling your child's life.

As a child in the 70s, I was frequently left to my own devices. So I'd set up my typewriter and write short stories, illustrate them, read books amd magaxines, call for a friend and we'd go for a walk, go to the swimming baths, call for other friends, lie on the sofa watching the test card whilst waiting for the programmes to start ...

Not having a helicopter parent encouraged me to be creative, sociable and - on occasion - downright lazy.

My 'perception' is based on fact.

Journalist story.
https://www.holdthefrontpage.co.uk/2024/news/new-journalists-lack-confidence-to-do-phone-interviews-or-cold-calling/

News story about unemployed kids and talks about mental health.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c5ymvnrn0deo

Tale as old as time? Funny. I just go on what I see, read and hear.

In some respects their lives were harder. However, they had some immense good luck - mainly due to circumstances beyond their control they may have bought newly built houses in the 50s or 60s which were relatively easy to buy and which have turned into investments that beat the stock market by hundreds of percentage points. If they lived in a council house and were good with their money they might have been able to buy a decent, solidly built house in the 1980s, and see it appreciate massively in value. There really is no denying that salaries are not allowing many people to plan on building wealth these days.

Why expect to launch straight into a flat? A room in an HMO would be more affordable and perfectly fine for a person just starting out in life .

Yes to issues in the family dynamics and the perhaps unexamined motives or problems the parents have.

This is after all the era of tracking your children on their phones. I suspect there are many, many parents who should try to wean themselves off the tracking (and seek helpnif they cant) and many adult or near adult children who could benefit from freedom from the panopticon.

I find they are far more sensible than my generation were at their age and I don't worry about the world passing into their hands at all. You can't change them, but you can change your negative perception of them. Just realise that you are being the same as the grumpy old people who were negative about young people when you were young. It's a tale as old as time.

No one just "pops" a child out. Hope you appreciate that after you give birth to your first.

I agree with those saying that there needs to be a balance, because although we’ll always be their parents and support them, we also want them to turn into functional adults.

I’m seeing an example of enabling vs supporting with some friends atm who have young adult DD’s. It’s really sad seeing how hard they work while their DD (24) doesn’t do much, She’s also run up debts that they’re paying off. The Mum is always stressed, but she won’t set expectations, which makes no sense to me.

So I think it’s a balance, because tbh, it’s not fair to let a young adult drift along not learning how to function in the world. Parents aren’t around forever and you need to be able to manage without them.

I've seen this with the student interns I have. Talking to people on the phone is a major issue for them. I had asked one to call some people to tell them their order was in - I gave him a script and told him what to do if they had questions and such. I found him 20 minutes later sitting in the dark next to the phone, not having called anyone. I think he was hoping I'd forget he was there!

I do think that the desire for female attention drives a lot of male achievement. I have heard several musician friends say that the main reason they practised hard at music in their teens was to impress girls. It's not that they didn't love music. But there was a huge extra motivator in the possibility of female companionship.

I don't think they turn to gaming though because they find girls don't like them, at least, not many. I think the dopamine hits of gaming short circuit a lot of impetus to do anything. It's essentially the same mechanisms as gambling addiction, and games are designed to create that, just like the gambling machines in bars.

Setting aside the cost of property and the cut in jobs at the moment, I do think kids - not all of course - are sheltered too much now. For example, was listening last year sometime, late on BBC news where trainee journalists were too frightened to phone up or go door knocking on the door of the people involved in the story. I mean, this is a huge part of journalism and they were uncomfortable doing it, to the point they felt like they couldn't.

The NCTJ are now having to build confidence building classes to do, well, something like telephoning. What's going on here? Surely having the ability to speak on a telephone is just part of life?

I am worried for the younger generation which is such an old fart thing to say, but they do seem to be losing the abilities to do things that are simple and taken for granted.. Am worried about the huge rise of young people with, or saying they have mental health problems. And there is a fair old chunk of youngsters who never had a job, and don't seem to want one and have apathy. It's not about sponging, it's about getting out there, living life, being happy, having experiences, being independent or the lack of it that worries me.

While the cost of living etc is harder now and for that kids have my sympathies, parenting must also be playing a part of how a lot of youngsters are turning out. Life skills must be taught.

Not all of them drive. I can't see them leaving home anytime soon why not get a mortgage as a family. Put all their wages together and buy a property. Their mum and step dad will have security and they will inherit later. They like to watch and make comments about other people. They could do so much more if they put their minds to it.

As for the flat you live and learn. You're settled now with your children so you teach them how to save and not rely on no man or woman.

Where did OP assume that everyone gets the MH support that she had?
She was just describing her own experience.

But none of this is the point.

It's about whether your 19 year old is behaving like a person whose ultimate responsibility for himself is his own, or his parents.

Is he largely reaching for the things he needs or wants to accomplish himself, rather than needing to be nagged or pushed?

Is he taking responsibility as a member of the family in a shared house, contributing with things like housework at the same level as other adults?

Does he take responsibility for his own daily care and administration?

Getting a job and living away can be big helps at achieving those things, because the fact is that it is easy for kids and parents at home to fall into a parent/child dynamic - even when they are 40 and 65. But they aren't absolutely necessary conditions to becoming responsible and independent.

I get what you mean and agree that in some cases a bit of 'tough love' is probably needed.

However, I think that having a child and creating life is such a monumental thing. You are making someone live for (all going to plan) 80+ years. It's inevitable that your child will face challenges and have times of suffering in their lifetime. You, as the person who created them, are responsible for this, and it's therefore your moral duty to provide appropriate support.