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Original poster

To think we spend too long ‘parenting’ now, and it’s turned young adults into eternal children?

538 replies

Nescafeneeded · 18/10/2025 08:16

It’s all in the title really. I read endless posts on here from parents whose 20 something year old is ‘depressed’ and doesn’t work, and is waited on hand and foot by mum and dad (usually mum) all day who is convinced they need care and a softly softly approach.

AIBU to wonder if it’s a bit chicken and egg - these kids lives have been comfortable and cosseted for so long they’re failing to launch as they’ve never had to do anything through necessity, and this looks like depression in 20 year olds as they spend all their time gaming and on tech in their rooms etc?

I was a very depressed teen (CAMHS, SSRIs, self harm etc) but left at 18 with the contents of my child savings account and expected to find work and look after myself which I did, I’m now an independent and responsible adult. I really think if my parents had still ‘parented’ me at that age I would’ve just let them and never left home or done anything for myself.

OP posts:
Dippythedino · 18/10/2025 08:26

A rent for a studio flat in my area is £1500, what 18 yr old is going to be able to afford that? It's a different time now & independent living at 18 isn't sustainable or affordable. There are a lot more social and mental health pressures for young people now than previously.

Upstartled · 18/10/2025 08:26

I'm not sure those footholds are easily available to unmotivated and unresourced young adults now. Youth unemployment is high and will be higher still when the employment rights bill kicks in and rent is sky high.

TheaBrandt1 · 18/10/2025 08:26

I agree. I think the pendulum has swung abit far and in trying to be supportive good parents from the best motives we don’t give them enough freedom to develop their independence

Dinosweetpea · 18/10/2025 08:26

cloudtreecarpet · 18/10/2025 08:22

No, I don't think we spend "too long" parenting children, parenting is for life & doesn't stop at 18.
It's a very different world out there for kids now, rents are astronomical, many kids are starting out with huge debts from studying and jobs, even basic ones, are hard to come by.
I think parents supporting their kids until they can afford to go it alone is fine if the parents are happy to do it. Obviously this varies from child to child.

My parents have supported me well into adulthood when I have needed it & I have been appreciative of that.

I fully intend to do the same for my own kids who are now entering adulthood.

This.

Iwanttoliveinagardencentre · 18/10/2025 08:25

Totally agree.
The job of a parent is to create a functional adult not an eternal child.

SriouslyWhutNow · 18/10/2025 08:25

How nice for you that you had a savings account that enabled you to leave at 18 in a time when 18 year olds with no references and credit history could just find a place to live and wages from unskilled jobs available to 18 year olds was actually enough to pay for rent, bills, food and the journey to work. Nowadays you would need to be able to pass credit checks, affordability checks, and also have references from previous landlords to be able to rent somewhere even at the age of 18 and in addition to that there are not very many jobs available to 18-year-olds that would actually pay the rent on even a house share in many areas. Some people are just stuck with each other. It is hard for kids to get independence these days.

Original poster
Nescafeneeded · 18/10/2025 08:25

parenting children, parenting is for life & doesn't stop at 18

Actually I think it should. I will always be there for my children in times of crisis, and I hope to see them regularly and do things like eventually provide babysitting, but I think the high level parenting stuff (helping them job search, constant check ins and motivational chats, buying them essential items because they’ll forget to do it for themselves, letting them live with you and doing their housework) should end at 22/23 max because otherwise how will they ever stand on their own two feet?

I also feel it’s an unreasonable burden for parents. We’re still people and deserve a life after 18 years of fairly intense parenting duties.

OP posts:
cloudtreecarpet · 18/10/2025 08:24

Wbeezer · 18/10/2025 08:22

Rent was a lot cheaper and you could claim housing benefit at 18 to help with rent if you had gaps between jobs etc.
I don’t entirely disagree with you but I do think it is financially more difficult to leave home these days .

Exactly this! I didn't go home after University but was easily able to sign on and get housing benefit so I could live with friends until I found something. Rents were low then & housing benefit easy to claim.
It's not like that now.

Macaroni46 · 18/10/2025 08:24

I agree OP. I had a pretty shitty time growing up and realised around age 15 that it was up to me to make something of myself as my parents were simply too useless to help me. So I worked hard at school, got myself a part time job, qualified in a profession that always needs staff and left home at 18. I did end up making a poor choice when getting married (was looking for security) but am happy now (mid 50s) and am self sufficient, as are my own adult DC. Meanwhile my cosseted cousins who are in their 40s, still rely on their parents for financial support.

TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 18/10/2025 08:22

On the one hand yanbu but on the other given the higher cost of housing and the state of the current employment market it is probably not going to be as straightforward for a young person to make their way without help as it was for their parents.

Wbeezer · 18/10/2025 08:22

Rent was a lot cheaper and you could claim housing benefit at 18 to help with rent if you had gaps between jobs etc.
I don’t entirely disagree with you but I do think it is financially more difficult to leave home these days .

cloudtreecarpet · 18/10/2025 08:22

No, I don't think we spend "too long" parenting children, parenting is for life & doesn't stop at 18.
It's a very different world out there for kids now, rents are astronomical, many kids are starting out with huge debts from studying and jobs, even basic ones, are hard to come by.
I think parents supporting their kids until they can afford to go it alone is fine if the parents are happy to do it. Obviously this varies from child to child.

My parents have supported me well into adulthood when I have needed it & I have been appreciative of that.

I fully intend to do the same for my own kids who are now entering adulthood.

Zuve · 18/10/2025 08:20

Yes I agree. I had to get a job when I left school. Mum and dad insisted. Yes I also felt very depressed but pushed on and found a very happy life, for myself.