To think we spend too long ‘parenting’ now, and it’s turned young adults into eternal children?

It's one thing to have your adult DC living at home, it's a completely different thing to enable a lifestyle that involves Pringles and 24hr gaming. My ASD DS21 is currently away at uni, but when he comes back next summer there will be a clear expectation that from 9-5 he is either jobseeking/working, volunteering or studying. I will make sure there is food in the fridge for him but I won't be funding his social life or giving lifts. He is more than able to function and work, with a few strategies in place to manage anxiety. It might take some time to find the right way to do that, especially in this economic climate, but he can be active and useful while he figures that out. He is exactly the kind of young person who could get overwhelmed and just hide away, but it's not happening in my house. Young adults need to feel a little bit of pressure/panic in order to get them up and out there (serious illness and disability aside). And parents need to figure out when it's time to step aside and trust.

I agree.

I'm a gypsy and we get a lot of stick for pulling our kids out of school and starting their adult life "too early". But an 18 year old from my community is usually working and has already bought their first car/van and is saving significantly towards their own home. Our young adults know how to successfully run a home and look after children.

I wouldn't have an adult living with me and still expecting me to practically wipe their arse for them.

I think parents are extremely anxious about their children and we're teaching them that life is terrifying and that any negative emotion is bad and something to be avoided. And parents want their kids' lives to be as nice as happy as possible so are sweeping any obstacle out of their way. The current trend for "raising awareness" of mental health and ND means everything becomes a symptom of something.

A recent survey showed that 30% of parents believe their child has some form of SEN. I think we're raising lots of children to feel that being sad or finding certain things difficult is a sign of a permanent disability and unsurprisingly they then find that they can't cope as independent adults. Add in that the housing and employment situation is genuinely very difficult and it's a recipe for a disaster for the next generation in becoming independent.

I know, it's a shame that what happened to you will mean you'll be pushing your own children to 'stand on their own two feet' the minute they turn 18 😕

I think there were far more work opportunities in my late teens early twenties than there are now. Jobs were fairly easy come, easy go and work places were far more relaxed. Whilst that came with some problems, it did also make the world of work less daunting.

The pay was dire in some of those jobs but then they didn’t expect me to be the perfect employee.

Not as high as it was in the 80s and many of us, me included left home around 16 or 17 (I was 17)

You're right OP, I bang on about infantilisation all the time, its destroying our young people and society.

Exactly

The constant discourse around mental health has also not helped.
We are practically encouraging young people to opt out of life.
There’s a lot to be said for being able to get up and carry on.

I actually think this is true. We encourage people towards introspection and it is just dreadful as a tool for the general population.

And it starts really early. Gentle parenting - asking small children to explore their motivation for being naughty - rather than just telling them off and moving on, is a sure fire way to inculcate the kind on unproductive navel gazing that promotes pessimism.

I agree OP but you will get lots of excuses. Kids living with their parents into their twenties is not the problem - the problem is that they don’t contribute to the household, you’ll have mummy and daddy running around after them. If they do some sort of minor contribution like paying £60 “rent”, then this is already seen as being very responsible. The expectations are just so low.

I don't think it's too long parenting, it's ineffective parenting, so kids aren't ready for life and it takes longer to catch up.

Parenting isn't just responding to kids wants and behaviours, it's proactively making decisions in their best interests, gently challenging them to broaden their comfort zone and increase confidence.

Parenting now is so reactive for a lot of people, which is easier at that moment in time but harder long term for everyone. Making them chicken nuggets is easier that evening, much easier than teaching them to try new things, cook and make good decisions. We're so scared of any conflict that parents don't want to be in charge, so obviously the child gets stuck as a child.

Sure, but there are plenty of examples on the other side as well, no evidence that kids today are more incompetent at laundry on average.

My mum never had to do it until she left home because as a working class girl who passed the 11+ her mum waited on her hand and foot.
She never made me do mine, but I could, and when I went to uni I remember one boy thinking his iron was broken because there was steam coming out of it.
In contrast my kids have done theirs from early secondary age.

Why on earth would a young single person expect to afford a place? I'm not in the UK, but it's a rite of passage here for young people to go flatting with others, sharing the costs.

So going by your age, you don't have young adult children then?

If you did you would realise just how hard it is for them right now.
Even compared to just a few years ago, and certainly since Covid, getting started with a decent job or career is really tough.

I have a child going through it now and I am constantly shocked by what it is like, the hoops they have to jump through, the number of applicants for every single job, no matter how basic.
I had no idea - unless you are involved in that world right now you honestly don't get it.

I think there is some truth in what you are saying but times have changed since I left home at 22 with the lack of affordable housing, job market and tech. I have kids with additional needs one of whom will need Support for the rest of his life. I've got other kids who are autistic who I'm sure will be perfectly capable of being independent but will need a level of support for longer. My parenting will not stop at 18 it will just be different. likely we will all be living together out of necessity.I think it would be great for all young people to have work experience as an essential part of education a lot of basic skills are not being developed no wonder kids are depressed hiding in their rooms they really need help it's tough these days.

I agree OP. All these posts lamenting the fact that rent is unaffordable is a silly argument. Just because your young adult cannot afford to move out does not mean parents have to extend the same parenting deserving of a 10 year old on them. They can still be contributing responsible adults whilst living at home.

think that parenting is a lot more involved for longer these days. Many children don’t play outside unaccompanied by parents these days - they have play dates but few actually hang out at the park with their mates without an adult close by. (Talking about kids up to the age of about 12). Some do of course but, where I live, I don’t think that’s the majority.

This is true, parenting is more involved & intensive.
But society is very judgmental, if a child comes to harm the comments will always be "I wouldn't let my dc walk home from school alone" or "i wouldn't leave my dc home alone".

And basically it flows from there. Parents are very involved with their children’s school work - they can log on and check house points and homework which is something that couldn’t be done years ago.

Schools expect this and the dc tend to
do better with parents involved in their education.

I did stupid and potentially dangerous things as a teen but I think it's harder to make
mistakes today.

I do think that we don’t give children enough opportunities to be independent and so for many, adulthood seems completely overwhelming when they reach their late teens.
The constant discourse around mental health has also not helped.
We are practically encouraging young people to opt out of life.
There’s a lot to be said for being able to get up and carry on.
Having said that, I will be offering my children support when they’re adults. But it’ll be support their adult lives, not to support their existence in perpetual childhood.

@Nescafeneeded have you brought up two independent adults who left home at 18 and never Asked for help again?

For the record, I have. But I realise that that was more by luck than judgement at times! I’m not smug about it. Just lucky. And i Still “parent” them at times - advice, the occasional loan.

It doesn’t have to be ‘kick them out at 18’ OR ‘mollycoddle them eternally’. There is a place inbetween which is where the best parents sit.
They have raised their kids to be independent, show initiative and be resilient, have taught them how to maintain a household, how to attend to their basic living needs and functions, have instilled a work ethic, sense of motivation and realistic ambition. At the same time they offer support when needed to their kids to help them continue to grow and develop, whether that is financial, practical or emotional, but they don’t stifle them.

Unfortunately, there are far too many parents who are sitting at either end who have destroyed their kids lives by failing to provide that balance. There are so many young people who simply cannot function in the world now. And it’s their parents fault.

Everyone is different.

I got my first job at 13, had no moral support from my parents from that age and have always felt this was too young.

My ds is 17. He manages his school work with very little help from me. He has a responsible Saturday job and is much calmer and less stressed than I was. He will get better a'level grades and has had a much more enjoyable childhood. I help him when he needs it.

I am proud of that, I don't begrudge it. Life is hard enough for the young.

He will go to uni next year, knowing how to cook, use a washing machine, manage a budget. He is confident, optimistic, kind and sensible. 🙂

The world and UK is very very different.

Oh to be so self absorbed you think everybody has to be defined by you and nobody can have a worse experience. 🙄

Thing is we had no expectation of being able to afford a whole flat either - we had flatmates.