To think we spend too long ‘parenting’ now, and it’s turned young adults into eternal children?

But was that before social media? I’m sure mums and dads pre Facebook would have gone in the paper shop and whilst chatting may have said our Rebecca is after a job do you know if anything, oh yes the current paper girl/boy is finishing next week tell her to pop in.

My DC were working within weeks of finishing university. Uni ended and their allowances ended. If they wanted to go out and have a social life and/or buy stuff, they needed money.

They have been supported with a home and food whilst they got themselves together to move out. One is married, one is with us 3/4 nights and the rest of the time with her boyfriend.

We are in easy reach of London which helps but neither DH nor I had that level of support, emotionally. It was a loss and Inamnglad our dc have known sufficient love to be happy to return after uni.

No, I don't think we spend "too long" parenting children, parenting is for life & doesn't stop at 18.

And there we have in a nutshell why so many adults are totally incapable of coping with the slightest problems that life throws at us.

I'm not sure you are being far aboit how easy it is to move out of home. Rent has very much exceed that inflation rate of the value of money.

Mind you, you would have had to have left home around 1980 for your £600 to be equivalent to £2,000ish in today's money.
Considering you've revealed you're in your mid-30s, the £600 you had would be £1,000 or less in today's money.

Op, you had Cahms and other forms of support. Don't you realise how lucky that was? When I was a teen, such things didn't exist.

I was 5th child of a violent & abusive f, a downtrodden m. A FSM family, and no help from anyone. I had a job at 13, and was stressed, bullied and exhausted by the time I (flukily) landed my a'levels and escaped to a poly.
Why would I want my ds to suffer the same? Childhood is for having fun and for learning confidence and competence.

Parents should help their dcs to launch. Mine made my life so miserable I fled.

There is a happy middle ground, and that will be different for every individual.

My DS still lives at home, he does his own washing, cleans his own room, and is expected to chip on with other household chores. Since he was small, I have never accepted that he is bored, there has always been plenty to do. Also he knows that life isn't about being happy all the time, if young people are constantly being told they deserve to be happy all the time, when they aren't, they have no idea how to handle it, and that it's normal, it doesn't mean they're depressed, it's just life.

I don't think it's too much parenting. I think it's both too much of the wrong parenting and too little or a total lack of the right parenting. Lots of kids are turning up to school not potty trained with bad teeth and no reading, writing or comprehension skills.

1. The soft touch leads to entitlement, ie spare the rod, spoil the child. They turn into disrespectful, entitled arseholes who might have a few brushes with the law in later life and become known to police, in such that the state becomes the parent.

2. Leaving kids to watch cartoons on a phone or tablet leads to poor health and no understanding of the world around them.

You had a child. Do you want them? Was it easy to fall pregnant or did it take a number of years? The couples that fight for years and endure several miscarriages are more likely to love and appreciate their children a whole lot more than a couple that just 'popped them out'.

Raise your kids, or adopt them out to someone who will.

I actually thought this thread was going to be about people being over-protective as their kids grow up, which makes it more difficult for them to function as adults. And I definitely think this is true.

Independence has to be developed gradually. It wouldn't be fair to suddenly turn out a completely coddled child onto the streets at 18 - like releasing a cage-reared bird all of a sudden. Parents should be helping their children develop resilience, decision-making skills etc from a young age really. Then when they get to 18, even if they can't move out immediately, they should at least be functioning adults who can get on themselves, contribute to the household either through rent or chores, etc.

Its between 700-800 for a room in my area.

It depends what era we are harking back to, but the job market is very different now to my era.

The 18 year olds I know who didnt go to uni or get an apprentiships really struggle to get full time work. Entry level office stuff is rare and going to graduates. Everywhere retail gives 16 or 18 hours, but you cant get a second job easily because they move shifts about and you can sometimes get extra shifts but not always.

Agree

I agree that there are some young ones who need some encouragement but your way sounds very tough. My ds is 16 and at 6th form. He works a few hours in pub, whuch pays for his mobile phone and social stuff. He's welcome to stay here for as long as he needs but he will be expected to contribute financially after hes finished education and do his own washing etc. Minimum wage is 1,500ish after dedictions(this is what I am on, so I know). It's impossible to leave home on that with the cost of housing today. Not everyone can get great jobs today, the job market is rubbish

I think it’s the wrong type of parenting perhaps. I think 00s and earlier parenting was too hands off for the most part, perhaps not overly analysed, my parents loved me but I didn’t get much in the way of support for school etc as did none of my other friends. We were very much left to our own devices in that regard. Whereas now I spend much more of my time and efforts understanding how my kids are performing, how to talk to them as teens etc. But equally, I put a lot of effort into ensuring they’re independent too, and it’s not always easy, sometimes the path of least resistance is to just do everything, but I want them to learn how to cook, clean to a good standard, plan their week etc, but you have to invest time in that. So that’s something I am trying to do and I’d like to think this will build a good work ethic and adults who will launch…but time will tell, at least they’ll be good housemates if not 😂

The cost of housing is the main driver of eternal children op.

That and the cost of living. Many of my friends have had children at home until they are in their late 20s- early 30s. It’s not unusual at all.

Do you have teen/young adults? If you did you would know this I suspect.

yep - amazed by the number of parents posting online asking for part time jobs for their 16-18 year olds. I would’ve found that mortifying!

But it's so much harder to get these jobs now. I had a paper round at 14, helped in a salon from 15 and got a decent retail job at 17. My nephew cannot find a job, his age puts employers off or they want him to do far more hours than he can fit in alongside A-levels. Plus the pay is crap compared to what I earned.

I think we tend to baby children for much longer. As soon as it became possible to defer children starting school in Scotland for any reason more and more people did and now many children are nearly 6 before they start school. Most people now go to college and university as well so they aren’t finished education until 22-23 or even older so they end up having this sort of prolonged childhood.

In our grandparents generation kids left school at 14 and got a job. They were out in the workforce and earning for nearly a decade before this current generation which naturally made them grow up quicker. They also tended to pay their parents for their keep so contributed to the household.

They didn’t just hand out anti depressants to children like that 17 years ago.

”following a 2003 safety review, rules for prescribing antidepressants to children
advised against using most SSRIs for mild depression, recommending psychological therapy first. For moderate to severe depression, fluoxetinewas the only antidepressant recommended, only for ages 12 and up, in combination with therapy, and with very careful monitoring for side effects like suicidal thoughts. “

And again lucky you to get anything. Children and families struggle to get anything now.

"If you did you would realise just how hard it is for them right now."

There have been periods of much higher unemployment.

I think as with most things it’s a combination of reasons.

Tough economy
more supportive parenting style so harder for them to let go of that support
Genuine appealing alternative to real life in gaming

On the flip side, SEN provision in the UK is in the pits so I can see why some parents will be anxious about whether their SEN kids are actually getting the support they need. Lots of children who have quite considerable needs to not have an EHCP - we never differentiate between care needs of those who do or don't, but base our support on care needs that we witness at school. Some with EHCPs have relatively fewer needs than some of our kids without.

Ah. So no adult children of your own then. All this is based on anecdotal evidence and MN threads. OK.

my own experience and fhat Of most of my friends and family is very very different.

Yes, people want to be their child's friend and not upset them. Well sometimes kids are going to be upset and not have what they want and you're going to be the one that says no you cant do that or have that.

Far too much introspection and navel gazing going on as someone said above, means children are isolated and selfish (more than usual). Theres no concept of being part of a group, muddling through, getting on with things, being answerable to wider society.

But is the difference not that how we hear about it through social media not that it didn’t happen ages ago. I can immediately think of two adult men I know in their 50’s who are still at home being looked after by their mum, no actually just thought of another.

I do not think it is over parenting per se, but pandering to and spoiling, which is the opposite of actual parenting.
I am from a foreign country and a farming community where is perfectly normal for adult children to live with their parents for years and years, even whole lives. They still work, have a full on life, do chores, manage their finances, get married, have children and the whole.
But the parents do teach you life skills from little and will not just let you do whatever. Particularly nothing, because that ruins anyone's mind, with no purpose in life.
In UK, something that is true these days, is that finding a job is not that easy for young ones, so it may take them a bit to start. But they would need to be in charge of the house, cooking and cleaning while I work, if they were mine. Plus be ready to do any other jobs, move away and so on.