To think we spend too long ‘parenting’ now, and it’s turned young adults into eternal children?

@Yokopops I learned a lot more at uni than how to work a washing machine & no I didn't to this at home before I went.

I think the "it was tough for me it should be tough for you" doesn't cut it. Times have changed. 30 odd years ago if you had a good degree you could get a good job fairly easily, plenty of grad schemes - everyone instilled that if you worked hard you would reap the rewards but that simply isn't true anymore. It's so hard for young grads to find work. Cost of living is astronomical. High tax, lots of debt from tuition fees - its dire.
I do think it's important for parents to instil a good work ethics in their kids - I was made to get a weekend job at 16 and I've always worked every since - it really helped me as though I'd always been a straight A student I was incredibly shy and I loved working and earning money. As soon as I started working at 16 my parents stopped giving me pocket money. The problem I find today when I'm hiring grads/young people is that they don't really want to work, they don't have that work ethics, they want everything to be easy, expect a pay rise just for passing another year regardless of performance. I think that's on the parents. I managed to work 25 hours per week throughout uni and come out with a 1st. It was bloody hard but I did it.
I do think schools (at least when I was there) don't teach kids the appropriate skills. There wasn't anything around building wealth, pensions, investing, managing money, planning for the future, entrepreneurship. And not much support in steering kids to help them find careers. I was just lucky I had a burning career ambition but I imagine for those that don't it must be overwhelming- I'm not sure how I'd feel having to commit to a 3 year degree paying 10k per year or whatever it costs with the thought that it might not lead anywhere. Job market is so competitive alot of companies expect a masters degree on top.

"And 18/19 is not childhood."

In fact the human brain is not fully developed until about 22.

I'm not suggesting ds will need me to make his breakfast at 21 but I will keep an eye on his diet, finances and general mood/health until he is settled into his first full time job at 22 and I see he is happy.

I see nothing wrong in that.

Why should an 18 year old need a studio flat? When I was 18 I lived in a 4 bed house with 3 other people. I didn't expect to have a place of my own. The local estates are being built with a proportion of house with every bedroom en suite, for exactly that market. I shared one bathroom.

.

No.. parenting is an ongoing job BUT if you do it properly your children will be independent and grow into useful citizens.

The people who say parenting is for life, wait until you are in your 70s 80s and in poor health with "children" of 40/50. ,I have a relative with a spoiled,40; years old toddler,who had 2 very well paid jobs,a lot of savings blown through, walked out of his job,she's just throwing him out yet again.

Omg yes! I find it astonishing how much hypocrisy there is as well!

I posted last year that I had been in a doctors appointment with my son (18) and I was ridiculed and ripped to shreds and berated for going in to the appt with an ‘adult’ fast forward 15 months and I’m asking advice about whether I should ask him to leave and stand on his own two feet (19 and a half) and I’m ripped to shreds for not caring about a child. We can’t win. But essentially I agree, I think we are parenting for far too long.

@jokkkshfjjf my dcs school is strict eg detention if homework is late or not good enough or for being late to
school. That's fine by me.

It's harder to expel dc now but there have always been shit parents.

I wasn't raised to respect elders just because and encouraged to not just trust someone in authority because they are in authority however I was expected to be courteous and respectful in general.

But I'm a 2nd gen immigrant and went to faith schools as my dc do so now which ten to have a large proportion of 2nd gen immigrants. I think culturally some of us are stricter?

They should be cutting it up themselves! A P7 is perfectly capable of doing that.

But they don't get a studio flat. They flat share. Studio flats come later.

Because the education system is one size fits all and in desperate need of an overhaul. As is the SEN system - but the reforms the government is talking about is not the way to do it. And this isn't a dig at teachers - most of them are sick to the back teeth of the endless pursuit of performance targets. All this does is force schools to take a more and more punitive approach to perceived 'failure'.

I think every generation of parents thinks that they can do it better. That doesn't necessarily mean that the way they go on to do it is right either. I think that in general it's a good thing to be interested and involved in your children's lives, but it often goes too far and goes on too long these days.

Agreed!

I agree with you. Orphaned young, from a poor background, I had to do it myself. I lived in grotty places-studio flats have always been expensive for singletons. And compared to any time in history, our young have it good. There is little disease, hunger and no wars to be forced to fight. Kids were expected to grow up to be responsible adults. I know many young people still live at home-my 26 year old dd does and pays nowhere near what it costs to rent. However, she is expected to make her own career decisions, do her own cleaning, sort out her car when it needs doing-all fairly basic things. But some of my acquaintances are still doing those things for their kids-it’s bizarre. They are incapable of doing things for themselves-they’ve never been allowed to. She doesn’t need ‘parenting’-she might need support at certain stages in her life but day to day living, she does it herself. Maybe that”s why she’s managing a team at 26.

Exactly. It’s not just the academic value I got out of going to college and then uni it’s the cultural and social education. Many of those friends I still have over a decades and meeting people from all over the world had a positive impact on me. I want young adults (if they want to) to be able to learn more than child rearing and domestic duties.

For those that don’t have many other ambitions beyond becoming a Dad or a wife etc - and many from my small town didn’t , that’s fine but it’s not for everyone.

I agree. I am confused by a lot of things these days and I'm only in my early 40s.

Many people seem reluctant for their child to get a part time job when at school/uni.

Also they seem reluctant to allow children to get taxis etc, staying up until the early hours to pick their kids up from nights out.

Seem to think they can't afford to move out until 30s. There are loads of properties around me that are very cheap. They might not be in the nicest area or be the nicest flats/houses but surely you just accept if you want to move out that's what you can afford and you will move up the property ladder as time goes on hopefully.

I am on holiday with my 21 year old niece this week who was practically dragged up and she is so independent and capable, it's made me think I am doing far too much for my kids.

Children needed them before OP, it's just they were left to mask and cope the best they could or ended up being expelled.

I'm autistic (tip toe walking, speech impediment, difficulty with relationships etc). No one gave a toot, I was attention seeking, it was affectation.

Mental health care has advanced and conditions are now recognised, that is all.

Most young people aren’t on Facebook so if you see parents asking on there if there are any jobs going for their 16yo, that might be the reason.

Some of you saying you left home young because your parents/home life were crap, are you saying that was a good thing. MIL was told she couldn’t go to grammar school, she went to secondary modern, left at 15 with no qualifications to go into work until she got married and had babies at 19. Is this the life you want us to go back to?

And too many teens going to university, wasn’t that Tony Blair saying he wanted at least 50% of young people going to university. When I went it was under 10%. More jobs require degrees eg nursing. Not so easy to start at the bottom with no qualifications and work your way up.

I think OP wasn't just talking about financial support, which a lot of posters were talking about.

I think it's more that kids are not being brought up to be independent, and rely on help and support in everything.

We (police) have had new recruits where their parents are ringing up and asking their children's bosses for birthdays off, or not to have to work nights because they don't like the dark, still grounding them (!) for transgressions such as being late home, and detaining their devices (incl work phones)

Many of my colleagues don't like using the phone, or they have to go to a meeting room to make calls so they're away from colleagues.

I (partly) put this down to a slow demise of social interactions; fewer impromptu phone conversations due to a decline in landlines where all family members had to answer and speak to people; fewer appointments being made on phone as it's often online now.

I was lucky to get a Saturday job when I was 13 and over the following 6 years this prepared me for uni and then getting a job.

Sadly a lot of places just wouldn't employ that aged person now and a lot of parents also wouldn't let their kids do that now, either. Some kids aren't allowed to walk home, or go to a shop on their own.

Children have been permitted to socialise mainly online and now struggle with real life interactions.

Far too many teens go to university.

University is a good learning experience as you can escape your parents & many jobs now require degrees so it's a difficult one.

But an 18 year old from my community is usually working and has already bought their first car/van and is saving significantly towards their own home. Our young adults know how to successfully run a home and look after children.

Some of us value education though

Have you not considered that many of us are over parenting our young adults because we were subject to a different style of parenting?

My parents were hands off from mid teens and I was a very resilient and self reliant young person. But I felt like no one really cared about me and when in later years I needed help I couldn’t ask for it and stayed in a bad situation much longer than I should. I didn’t want my children to feel like I did as a young adult.

This.

The parents who are allowing their kids to sit around doing nothing are not being good parents.

The kids sit there playing games online not knowing how to work a washing machine, hoover, put the bins out, chang a bed, dont walk their own dog three times a day.

They moan about everything and say they are depressed. Maybe they wouldn’t be if the contributed something positive to their household or did a voluntary role in the community. They need made to do this.

I’d have been be forced to get a job. Any job. Just to get me into the routine and get a reference for a better one at that age.

Yeah I wouldn’t have been able to leave home so easily at age 19 if I hadn’t went to uni.

I took a year out after school and worked and a little bit of travel before going to uni at 19 in England (and I’m from Scotland) living not only away from home but in a new place opened up a lot of things for me and helped me with confidence and independence.

I was always very academic but even the ones at uni who weren’t seemed to benefit from it and did come out with some kind of degree that gave them various skills.