To think we spend too long ‘parenting’ now, and it’s turned young adults into eternal children?

If you are referring to my post, that's not what I said. I think encouraging introspection isn't just useless in small children it builds a habit that is self harming. Just building boundaries and telling children off from crossing them is enough.

we are in our 40’s and were asked for a guarantor for our rent due to affordability changes.

even a room anywhere near me is £1000 a month, there’s a massive boom in static caravans for £1200+.

I recognise myself in your op. I cringe when I talk about what we do for my youngest dd who is struggling with MH - it sounds so indulgent when you say it out loud. Certainly compared to the ‘tough love’ 70s upbringing me and my DH had where parents just didn’t get involved. You knew you were on your own and that was that. You just got on with it.

You’ve really prompted me to reflect on why we do it and I think it’s primarily because we love our dd of course and hate to see her struggle. She is bright and talented and we know she tries her best. We want to see her fulfil her potential. The other reason is that for me and my DH, the 70s approach wasn’t entirely successful. I certainly know I could’ve done so much better in life with a bit of parental support. As it is, I was a clueless 18 year old who aimlessly drifted and bumbled about. I eked out a life eventually but it could’ve been so much more different.

I do temper our ‘indulgences’ with a bit of gentle piss taking and encouragement to get a job, and there are no assurances that we will bail her out long term. But what do you do? Throw her on to the streets? She’s far too lovely for that and she didn’t ask to be born. We are still her parents and want to look after her even though she’s ’grown up’.

I absolutely agree that they should be pushed to study and/or work, and help with housework and bills, and socialise, and not be stuck in a bedroom gaming at all hours with mum doing all their washing and cooking.
The housing world is very depressing these days and so much harder for young adults to move out, which obviously doesn’t help.

It's interesting how people are willfully misunderstanding your post and attributing failure to launch on the cost of housing and student debt but as you have said several times you are not talking about living at home you are talking about the inability to do basic life stuff. Parents accompanying children to interviews, 25 year olds who don't know how to use a washing machine etc.

An adult child living at home should be actively involved in running the household whether it's cleaning, washing, shopping, mowing the lawn or changing a light bulb rather than sitting in their room and expecting parents to do it all. I know of mid twenties people who have driven since they were 17 but never sorted out their own car insurance because mum or dad will do it for them.

I don't think people think adult children should experience hardship but some challenge and adversity is required as part of the maturing process and what we're seeing now is young people who think the normal stresses of life are a sign of a diagnosable mental health problem that precludes them from growing up or taking any responsibility. It's not kind or helpful to rush in and save them every time something is a bit difficult.

A studio flat is a huge luxury! 18 year olds shouldn’t be expecting this, they should be in a house share. MUCH cheaper!

Someone mentioned making children explore every emotion when they've been naughty, and I think that misses the obvious. Children, some more than others, push boundaries. It doesn't mean they're feeling sad or whatever. This "all behaviour is communication" thing can get in the bin.

Just keep the boundaries in place, it will make them feel more secure, and mould them into functioning adults. Not everything needs a big emotional conversation - that must be fucking exhausting for them.

It’s a difficult one because people/adults will also need the support of others…but I am seeing this happening right now with someone who is very close to me. The DD has been disempowered to such a degree that to remove the immense amount of “support”, or to change the dynamics in the relationship now, could lead to a terrible fall out. I don’t think this is about stopping support at a specific age, rather I think it’s about recognising when support leads someone to become unable to function in society.

@AsideFromThis how do you know they can't chop it up though? I don't know what P7 means but if I make my dc a packed lunch I don't specifically stop what I'm doing and call one in to chop up fruit.

I do think some difficulty is the route to maturity and this idea that children should be coddled till their mid-twenties when their brain 'matures' is ridiculous.

After the independence of Uni, none of my kids wanted to come home. One did, but she's SEN, and she only stayed a year before moving out. They'd all realised how great it was to live away from our very rural home with nothing going on, and they all moved to various cities, house shared, worked any job they could and had a blast. Now they are all buying their own houses (early 30's/late twenties). I've told them all that they could come home if they wanted to but I think they'd rather live in a box room than be subjected to living with their mother again.

Makes me proud. I did my job and readied them for the real world and now they love it.

My mum grew up in London in the 1960s.

everyone she knew lived at home after leaving school because they couldn’t afford to live on their own.

she only moved out age about 24 (to go to work in Africa, so a bit of a change!)

i grew up in a Lancashire ex mill town in the 1990s. Everyone I knew moved out after school or uni because housing was cheap and jobs easy to get.

i think the economy now is not what it was. Anyone who has family in London or the south east needs to earn a massive amount to move out and get their own place. Most people starting out n those areas live with family if they can.

I knew very few people who lived at home past the age of 19/20 as it was seen as a bit strange. In my year at school (120) maybe 5-10 did?

Did the majority go to university?

Im 62 and it was the norm not to go to uni and to stay in the family home - working and paying board - into your 20s.

What I find odd these days, is the number of parents on MN claiming their DC are ND (ADHD is the popular one at the moment), have MH which is the school/college/uni/State's job to sort out.

It really isn't. CAMHS waiting list is so long because no system can cope with the number of young people (and their parents) who can't accept that life is hard but you've got to sort it out for yourself.

There’s a world of difference between that and acting as a maid, cook and chauffeur for them at 24 as they live in their childhood bedroom gaming and claiming benefits

I don't know anyone like this, how do you know all these people?

I had/ have one of these much villified adult children. Or I suppose I am the villain! He is 23, autistic, lazy (sorry but he is) distracted, forgetful... Super intelligent and absolutely gorgeous but he has issues. He struggles with a lot of day to day things that other people his age find relatively straightforward.
I did not intentionally create a man who cannot respond to emails or always remember to change his bedding. I really didn't, but this is how he is. He has always needed more support than other people his age.

However - he has lived more or less independently since he was 19. First at uni, which be dropped out of, and now in a city a few hours away living in a house share and working in a chain restaurant. He would have settled into a life of playing videogames in his childhood bedroom if I had allowed it, and that would have been so destructive for him (and me). I lovingly and supportively showed him the door 😁 but I still do things for him that would have me ripped to shreds on here.

Its really really hard and it's not fair to blame parents (ie mums). It is just hard. There are no books telling us how to do it, we're all doing our best here and figuring it out as we go along. What I will say OP is that no one warns you how hard parenting a teen/ adult is. It's the hardest thing Ive ever done, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. You never know what is around the corner...

I agree OP! One poster just said 'parenting is for life', and right there is the crux of the problem. No it's not! And nor should it be. Parents die- your role as a parent is to raise happy, confident independent people to be the next generation.

Your child's independence is something to be proud of. Needy parents raise needy children.

Life’s brutal now. There’s less opportunity to retrain, which means there’s more pressure at 16-18 to know what you want to do and get it right.
you can’t just stumble into something as it might be wrong and you might miss the opportunity you should have taken and you can’t retrain due to costs and living expenses.
Uni debts, apprenticeships are signing up to that profession for life (it feels it!) and housing costs.

everything feels harder for them now. so it’s no wonder people feel depressed like their life just can’t get going if they don’t have a plan or can’t get that plan going (didn’t get the grades for uni, or can’t afford to move away).

yes it’s absolutely my job to create a functioning adult, but society has made it that bit harder for them to find their way right now. It doesn’t mean we should pander to them, just maybe support them a little more.

And compared to any time in history, our young have it good. There is little disease, hunger and no wars to be forced to fight.

My parents didn't have disease, hunger or have to fight in a war?

I thought child hunger was a growing issue today though?

Definitely. There’s so much to learn at uni.

Do you even know anyone who's tried to get a room in a shared house these days? Even a grotty one?

There's huge competition so if you manage to find a room before it's taken, you need more than money.

And then failing all that, you need more than £2000.

What 18 year old fresh out of home /kicked out has references, previous tenancy history, passable credit checks and a guarantor?

And when you can't provide all of that, you need the deposit plus 3-6 months rent up front.

Even flatshares are expensive considering wages have stagnated. I say this as someone who mostly lived in flatshares until my late 20s. I paid £700 for a flatshare in London, very nice clean house.

I had a look online recently and no way could I find a flatshare for that price of a similar standard now. I’d be looking at closer to £1000. And before anyone says well don’t live in London then the fact is I struggled to find professional work outside of London in my 20s.

I eventually left during the pandemic since we were able to WFH and I have no intention of going back, but it’s not an easy option for everyone. Especially with employers calling people back into the office.

And even Manchester, Leeds etc are pricey now too if you don’t want to live somewhere damp and grotty.

Oh come on, that's an extreme and unusual case as well you know.

We can all find odd "what about..." cases to back up any argument but that is not the norm and this is a thread of generalisations.