To think we spend too long ‘parenting’ now, and it’s turned young adults into eternal children?

"Far too many teens go to university."

Perhaps we could rephrase this as, far too many jobs require people to have degrees even if they aren’t relevant to the role.

Absolutely agree!
I have a family member in their mid teens that still cant even be trusted to cross the fucking road safely as they have been so badly helicopter parented, its embarrassing!!!!
At age 11 I was expected to get the dinner cooked/finished off that my mum had started as we were left alone for an hour while she went to work and we waited for dad to get home.
I was made to walk the mile to junior school on my own from age 8, we got the bus into town aged 11 and hung out at the shops or the lido all day in the summer.
We live in a much safer era now too with mobile phones, video surveillance on pretty much every household etc.
I have no idea why parents feel the need to molly coddle their children so much now and not allow them to make the mistakes that ultimately lead to independence and growth.

But I have repeatedly said I’m not talking about people who live at home for financial reasons but pay rent, do housework etc so eventually when they do move out they can do these things for themselves.

I know - I think we're singing from the same hymn sheet!

DD was lucky enough to get a job in London upon graduation but if she hadn't, she would have been welcome to live at home and save for a house. Whilst working, paying board, doing her laundry, some housework and some cooking.

I lost my mother as a teen and have spent my entire adult life missing her. As long as I'm around, I'll offer emotional and sometimes financial support to my daughter. But I know how important it is to raise independent, resourceful and resilient young adults.

is it

@MotherofPufflings Is controversial to make packed lunches?

P7 is aged 11. No parent should be making a packed lunch for a child of that age. 🤷‍♀️

South east. Not London

I was going to say that gradual expectations of them to do stuff - sort their own school kit, make their own arrangements etc was the way to go for me. It helped that my job got busier and more involved as they got older and I just didn't have the time or headspace to immerse myself in what they were up to. They needed me to drive them to places but for the rest they could probably have run the house by themselves. Except that everyone argued about who should walk the dog.

I paid the bills and taught them how to cook and use a washing machine (they moaned and complained about 'slavery' (ha!) but they were so grateful when they went off to Uni and were among only a few that knew how to do these things!). I did what I could, but I'm not superhuman.

Not one of them can put a shelf up straight though, I failed there.

Thing is though these posts come from a self selecting group of outliers. Its true that for a percentage of people having lazy and unmotivated parents is a good spur to get yourself together.

But for every one very driven child who is able to push themselves in the face of parental inertia there are nine who also aren’t very motivated or who lack confidence or contacts or who have other challenges who end up trapped by their parents’ limited ambitions and imagination.

This “hands off/free range” approach to parenting is very fashionable at the moment with everyone and their dog banging on about “the importance of being bored” all the time. And certainly there is some overbearing parenting. There is merit in pushing children to be independent.

But why would you, as a parent, fail to support your child in developing skills and interests and deepening confidence in things which are going to support them? I can’t see the point of having children if you have no interest in helping them becoming rounded and fulfilled adults.

So while I will encourage my teen daughter to be independent, I will continue to support her in her education and encourage her to push herself and to not pass up opportunities. And I won’t apologise for this.

My DS moved away for work aged 19 and just had to get on with it. He found a flat share on SpareRoom which was a bit of a nightmare but it was a roof over his head til he got settled and made some friends.
Yes, I was his guarantor initially as he had no credit score. 9months later when he moved on it was better. His next flat he had to sort out his lease, his council tax and dealing with the energy company etc. It would have been so easy to step in and take over but instead I gave advice when he asked. Yes, he made mistakes (his first energy deal was pretty rubbish) and he was stressed over some of it, but he learned a lot in the process.

It's an interesting phenomenon on Mumsnet why some grown adults are so threatened by the existence and identification of neurodivergent people when it has no bearing on their life at all. Someone should study it.

Shouldn’t be expecting a studio flat.
fucking hell. What a world. No wonder they feel depressed.

ok they are on their NMW job, what’s the way out of it? Studying. They have to work full time to pay for the house share, that leaves evenings. I’ve got four colleges near me. One does evening courses, they are redo GCSEs. That’s it. Not a levels, not vocational.
how do you get out of that house share and manage to “upgrade” to a studio flat. Let alone, run a car, have a social life, have a partner and then a family.

I think we're agreeing? I agreed with your post, anyway, and just expanded some thoughts of my own.

Jesus! I said it and I stand by it.
My kids are independent and work hard. I have a child fresh out of Uni who is home job hunting 24/7 but also desperate to get a job & move out.
But my kid can stay with me until they are financially able to move out.

My comment wasn't that I will provide for them, cook for them & clean for them forever but I will be there for them if they need me & through any tough times.

My marriage ended in my late 40s and my parents offered me support through that, I didn't need financial support luckily but I did need emotional support at that time.
That's what I am talking about - get it in perspective please!

@MagpieRobin ah here we go again the sen trolls are out this morning. What planet are you on that you think ADHD and other SEN are just kids not accepting that life is hard and not being able to get over it. What an ignorant person you are. Clearly you have no clue what you're talking about.

"Far too many teens go to university."

My ds wants to be a civil engineer. To achieve that he must have a degree, either by reading engineering or by getting g a graduate apprenticeship which amounts to the same. What other route do you suggest?

I both agree and disagree with you. Teens these days have it easier when it comes to certain things, but also a lot harder in certain other areas.

For example rent, careers, social media...

Why are you making your child's packed lunch?

I was a very hands on parent with my child, right up until they went off to university, where I did of course provide the financial support expected. They came home temporarily after but then moved away again for their career. They are now mid twenties and doing very well living independently, and have big plans for the future.
We get on well and I'll be there for them if and when they need me, but really, they're just getting on with living their life as they see fit.

I was definitely accused of doing too much for them when they were younger. My own parents told me I was 'molly coddling' them!

I do wonder sometimes if attitudes and expectations get laid on to many kids that life will be so tough for them, that the kids believe it and don't bother even trying.

In fact the human brain is not fully developed until about 22.

There's actually no point where the human brain is "fully developed" - it changes throughout our whole lives, and will also differ from person to person.
22 seems a bit old to have to keep an eye on.