To think we spend too long ‘parenting’ now, and it’s turned young adults into eternal children?

Oh yes @TempestTost that post is spot on! Basically the poster is saying younger teens crave freedom and responsibility and we don't give it to them and by the time we expect it the window has closed and they are dependent.

I will parent my children always. My mother was very stand on your own feet and I left home at 18 to go to Uni. Never moved back in after Uni as she didn’t want me to. Yes I had the skills but emotional I’ve spent years in therpy unpacking how I don’t feel loved and never good enough.

My children are told daily how much I love them but they help around the house. My 7 year old can make toast / crumpets / fried egg etc. can unload the dishwasher and reload it.

I definitely parent my children more than my parents. They aren’t left outside all day to play, fed freezer meals (while my parents got other food) and get told I love them all the time.

I am very happy to parent my children more than I was 🥰

How many posters on MN think it is horrendous to charge the adult DC rent if they live at home? I had to pay 'keep' when I lived at home, nothing like market rent but it contributed to household expenses.

I think there is definitely a middle ground between never letting your teenager being independent and kicking them out at 18. But OP seems to think university is a bad thing and special needs are exaggerated.

Remember stuff and organise things 🤣 I have to release his student loan incrementally to help him budget. I sometimes have to use iPhone alerts to get him up. Then things like remind him when he needs new contact lenses, nag him to book driving lessons, mentor sessions etc, if i know he has a lot on I end up checking in most days to make sure he’s not starting to sink. I can’t really articulate all of it. I’m like a remote PA I suppose.

I think you're conflating two different issues. Parents allowing their adult children to stay on in the family home and benefitting from parenting 'services' like meals, laundry etc, and young adults who refuse to work, live small typically online lives, and are, or claim to be, depressed. The second is a problem and parents should try to resolve, not enable. However I don't think its a problem caused by the first, as many 20 somethings living at home are working hard in good careers and living full social lives. If their parents want to carry on doing the drudge work so they get a few extra years before being burdened with it the rest of their lives, I don't see a problem tbh.

‘The fault lies entirely with women’ - good old fashioned misogyny hasn’t gone anywhere I see 🙄

My country has the lowest average age for moving out of the parental home, 21 years old, and children are definitely raised to be more independent here than in the UK but I think the bigger factor is that its much easier to move out at a younger age here - university is free and you get a grant, can rent at an affordable price plus housing benefit. Its not uncommon to move out at 16 to go to a school somewhere else, and rent a subsidised apartment (or even free - my vocational school had free housing for students that lived too far away to commute) and when you live by yourself during term time you're more likely to want to carry on living independently once you're done with your education.

Hard agree.

Blaming young people for not being mature and independent while taking away opportunities for them to develop that maturity is unfair.

Haven't rtft thread but I agree so much. And I will also say in my experience the fault lies entirely with women/ mothers.

I live in a university city, 2 excellent universities but at the opposite side of the city. We are between 2 bus routes one going to each Uni. Twice in the last month I had a conversation with a neighbour whose kid is starting off and I said we are so lucky with our direct bus route and both mothers laughed and said they would be driving their child to and from. One said 'not a hope would I get him up in the morning to get on the bus!' And the other laughed and said 'you'd better tell him that! He will be expecting lifts only.' My ds is only a year behind so I'll have to deal with him moaning that he has to get public transport. It made me so mad. With the horrendous housing situation in my area I was just about wrapping my head around the fact they need to live at home for another 4 years but I absolutely will not 'mother' my young adult children.

It’s not the 90s. University education is no longer free, there’s no signing on in the holidays, rent is high. No one is going to convince OP that being packed off at 18 with the equivalent of £2k to live in a house share wasn’t the norm then, and isn’t the norm
now. But also to remind that a generation ago, the Boomers weren’t legally adults until 21. And given what we know about brain development, it’s fair to say that 18 year olds aren’t really‘adults’ at all. Parenting really is a job for life, but it doesn’t have to come with slavery and martyrdom.

I agree, although you never stop wanting to do your best and always be there for them but some seem to have no independence at all. My DH is a driving instructor and most of his young students lessons are paid for by their parents and their parents book all of their lessons. I guess times have changed, when I was learning at 17 I found my own driving instructor and paid for my own lessons. Never occurred to me it should be any other way. Although my parents were there for me in many other ways.

This is true, my parents’ neighbour inherited the house from his elderly parents having lived there with them for decades.

DH’s cousin moved back in with his mum as an adult.

In both cases the men involved have jobs but there was definitely an element of them avoiding having to look after themselves and wanting their mum to do it.

Agreed. I didn’t leave home until my mid 20s but I was expected to get a job at 18, pay ‘rent’ and co tribute to the house via a grocery shop here and there. I was also quite depressed as a teen but my mother made it clear nobody was going to do it for me. Did my own laundry from 14, and brought my own necessities since 18.

'Twas ever thus from the 60s onwards. We used to call them boys who still lived in their parents' back room. 60 years on I don't know what became of them, probably passed on by now.

I think there's a middle ground between turfing them out at 18 and parenting them/waiting on them hand & foot indefinitely. I stayed at home with my parents until I was 31 but I was expected to work, contribute financially, do housework, cooking, my own washing etc. They were there if I needed advice etc but I stood on my own two feet in terms of job hunting, managing my own money etc.

The demise of the smaller business doesn’t help with 16 year olds getting jobs.
AI, self check outs, closure of deli counters! All of that are filling the place of 16 year olds

You learn so much from your Saturday job, value of money, confidence, professionalism. We are doing our youth a massive disservice by not having them.
it’s the same with voluntary positions, my ds tried for his DofE no one wants to take them until they are 18.

I think there's a big gap between expecting your child to move out and rent the second they turn 18 and letting them live at home, not working, doing their washing and cooking etc

Young adults should be looking for work, trying to save to eventually move out and contributing to the family pot in terms of housework and cooking. My eternal frustration is seeing my BIL take advantage of MILs generosity, living at home not pulling his weight with housework, not working because he is depressed when he actually once said to me that he wished he'd have an accident that meant he was too disabled to ever have to work (but not too disabled to play on his XBox all day 😑)

So about 8% of young 20 year-olds... and what % is it you think it is now?
8% now would be about 400,000.

@Crapola25

she wouldn’t be like that with you if you lived with her. Big difference between you visiting and being spoilt and you living there and being spoilt.

I agree. I didn't house share, had a very cheap flat, cheap because there was no central heating in it, amongst other things, and it was the 90s and rent wasn't ridiculous in my area.

I loved it. Having my own space to look after, being able to have who I wanted round when I wanted.

In my 50s, now, and still get a kick out of having a front door to call my own.

Great, you acknowledge things are different now!

Really?! 🙄🙄🙄

I have a 21 year old with ADHD. They are at uni and live independently, they work in the holidays. But they still require a huge amount of parenting because there are things their brain just can’t do. So that’s what I do.

It's not tough, it's actually quite exciting! Spreading your wings, learning to live without parents. I loved those days, parties, friends, even the grotty dirty housemates, lol.