Moving day ruined

@Prinajdjd It's very difficult suddenly having a teenager living as part of your family. I had the same with my 12 year old brother. Moving is also a very stressfull time too. I assume his parents have passed away. He's dealing with grief, his sister and a house move. I understand you have done all the packing and childcare. Could you not have taken the safety gate and some toys etc to the new place, whilst he organised the furniture. You are incredibly stressed with everything and you are both now sniping at one another. Running back to your parents is a bit infantile. In saying that, you should have asked the sister if she wanted to come with you and the kids. She needs to feel secure not abandoned.
I hope everything settles down and your new home becomes a happy one.

If I suspected this would happen, I’d have made sure the devices and games were the first thing to be packed, right at the bottom of a deep box with other things on top of them.

Ridiculous comment, if she’s a sahm then surely he’s got to go to work? What do you propose he does then?!

I’m sure I’ll get slated for this. Firstly, some of his behaviour is bang out of order, particularly the comment about ‘babysitting’ the kids and for not helping to pack etc. but…. The guy can’t be that much of an arsehole bearing in mind he’s just taken in his 13 yr old sister?! And the family tragedy that’s led to him doing so, also must be affecting him?!
There should have been a clear plan to move bit by bit over a few days (and he should have taken time off for this) I’m sorry, but surely it’s a bit unrealistic to think that after a days work, he’s magically going to move an entire house of furniture, build beds etc to sleep on, and even put up stair gates, for OP to just rock up with the kids, what after an hour or so?! In the window between him getting home from work and the very young kids going to bed??! Come on…..

Lots of unnecessary drama. I would have gotten removals quotes.
My DH often says he’s not going to pay for this or that until I show him the price!
Really he is just saying he doesn’t want to organise it.

I think you needed to put your foot down and stay in the furnished house with the kids and either pay for removals or let him ferry the stuff gradually over the overlap. I think the biggest thing to explore is why you felt his (stupid) way couldn’t be challenged. If you were in any way scared of his reaction then you need to assess your relationship while you’re at your parents to understand if the bereavement is making him difficult temporarily or if there are underlying issues. if the former, I’d cut some slack but if it’s a longer term pattern of behaviour you’ve got some soul searching to do about what you want for you and the children.

Sounds like my partner. We pick up the keys to our new place next week. I've been doing all of the clearing/cleaning, he hasn't done anything leading up to the move. He literally waits until the day to start packing.

He did this to me last time we moved, except I was 9 months pregnant, so could literally note help. But MIL was expecting the world from me as she hasn't seen all of the hard work I've been doing.

I would suggest leaving him at home with the kids, and you start doing the move. Alternatively, pay someone to help you

Feeling a bit sorry for the 13 year old experiencing a family tragedy and then finding herself in the middle of this argument.

Moving house is stressful. You could do with either some childcare for a couple of days while you make the place small child safe and/or friends to help with the moving and/or professional movers. It was ambitious to think the two of you could do it without other support.

Giving your husband the benefit of the doubt - finish the house move and then see if the behaviour continues when there's less stress.

And do look for info / support for kinship carers +/- other support for husband and sister for the tragedy.

Doesn’t sound like a one off TBH. You both needed to agree a plan of action. Although not sure why you’re even with him.

Helpful.

Yes but I was replying to someone who was referring to OP becoming a single parent with 3 children living with her. She wouldn’t, the 13 year old would be living with her ex.

But she’s part of the family now so would be mean not to include her in the group

The 13 year old is not hers. She is DH’s sister.

Your husband sounds like an arsehole. Why are you with him?

Is money the problem or is her access to money a problem. He said he wouldn't pay for it but OP do you have access to money? Or are you afraid of what would happen if you did something he didn't want to?

Your husband is a giant arsehole.
Leave him.
The only unreasonable thing is you staying with him and having children with him.
He’s a prick.

Meant to add:
Is money a problem? If you genuinely couldn't afford removals, which I find hard to believe, you should not be letting him do nothing while you pack.
If he wants to do it himself let him do it himself. Don't run around enabling him. Drop the rope.

He's obviously being unreasonable. But is he always like this, or is he only like it now because he hasn't been able to process whatever the family tragedy was?
If it's this, he needs counselling. He needs to understand that he's being unreasonable. He might be too lost in his own grief to see the damage he's doing to his own family.
If he's always like this, stay at your parents and get divorced.

Stay where you are for now. I'd suggest that, before you go to the new place, the two of you agree that

(1) while you, as a SAHP for now, currently handle the childcare (and probably housework) 100% during his working hours, it's split 50/50 at all other times. (And watch out for him claiming to be working when he's not in order to shirk his household/family responsibilities - I could be off base but his "babysitting" remark makes it sound like he thinks he shouldn't have ANY parenting responsibilities).

(2) the two of you make family/household decisions together, with equal input, and communicate clearly about any changes.

And hold him to it. And consider going back to work full time and splitting everything truly 50/50, unless you genuinely have enough money of your own to survive for the next several years without bringing in anything. He's demonstrated that he is at best unreliable, uncommunicative, and unable to listen to feedback and compromise when he is causing a huge problem for you and the children. Don't continue indefinitely in a situation where he has excessive control over you and the children.

And watch out for his sulking or stropping as a way to control you, punishing you for failing to do exactly as HE wants until you're afraid to speak your mind or trust your judgement because his reaction is so unpredictable and unpleasant. I'm not saying he does that routinely, but if you see a pattern pay attention because it is often an early sign of abuse. Trust your judgement.

God I hate people like you. So smug and self satisfied, as if thousands of women the world over haven't experienced their husbands becoming useless trolls later in life or after marriage or after kids. Most women stuck in shit relationships didn't initially choose a shit relationship.

Adding absolutely nothing to the conversation except your own bile.

If my husband did that I'd say, I'm only packing mine and the kids. You are responsible for your own packing. I would have enjoyed watching him sweat! Then I'd go to my parents with the children while removals moved through furniture over. Why didn't you use removals? Is your husband going to bring it all over himself?!

I would remind him that whilst hes working, your looking after his sister 24/7 and he needs to buck up his ideas before he ends up a single dad.

When he got back I requested we stayed back into our old house until the new one was furnished as it was unsafe and the electric wasn’t on.

He wanted you to move into a house where the electricity was disconnected? That's nuts.

Moving day is always a nightmare but much more so when there's only one functioning adult. He sounds so disorganised I'm surprised he can run any sort of business.

@Prinajdjd he’s just an arsehole, that’s the problem, and that will never change.