My husband said he isn't happy

OP your husband doesn’t sound at all supportive from what you’ve posted. You’ve got a new baby, that first year is so hard and so tiring. Most of us will have sleep deprivation at some point when a baby is little and you’ve also had to deal with OCD. It doesn’t sound like he’s been particularly helpful with the baby (doing nothing after 8pm) and it all sounds a little bit ‘poor me’ him thinking what a tough time he’s been having since becoming a father and having to do and deal with more than he’s used to. He sounds very immature.
Without sounding too blasè I think this is a massive wake up call for you. He’s really let you and your child down - in the longer term you may come to realise that perhaps you are better off without him.
Awful for him to say all this to you then bugger off for the weekend - do you have any family or friends close by that could keep you company?

What a fucking shit.

He is leaving you tortured with worry so he can nip off and shag someone with his mates and then have the option of you never asking any questions or holding him to account because you will be so desperate to keep him and feeling guilty that it was actually your fault.

Don’t be played, be ANGRY.

So many of these twats have the same playbook.

My ex husband announced he was “not as happy as he deserved to be”.

I was completely shocked and I turned myself inside out trying to please him even breaking my own principles and living a life full of nothing for me and everything for him.

He then left me anyway, telling me I was mad when I asked if anyone else was involved and that my questioning him showed exactly his point about how awful I was to live with.

Six months later I found out he had been having an affair with my best friend for almost 2 years.

He’s had his head turned. Sorry. I’ve spent the past 20 years working in a very male dominated field and often being seen as ‘one of the lads’ so I really do have insight (unlike many on mumsnet who like to brag about their perfect partners who would never, ever cheat but don’t actually have a clue what goes on behind closed doors). It happens so, so often I wonder if it’s some sort of biological programming that a man has a baby and then wants to move on.

It’s always the same pattern - happy new dad at first and then 6 months or so in they realise this is forever and start to get itchy feet. They start looking around, head turned, then start saying how unhappy they have been for ages, how everything’s changed (yeah sherlock, of course it has) and lay the groundwork to leave.

Some hold out a few years. Some stay married and have long term affairs.

It happens way more often than most on mumsnet realise.

I’d be checking his phone, socials and cosying up to the bride to be for this wedding as if your husband does anything off at the stag he’ll confide in her. (One of the new dads at a stag my husband was at left a day early to go hang with his mistress he’d flown out to join them, for example. He was also ‘unhappy’ in his marriage).

Why is everyone presuming his big master plan is to cheat?? No one knows the full story, who knows what she was talking about before he said it - maybe she was saying something and he cracked. Maybe she was saying about trying for a second baby and he just couldn’t take it. Maybe she was bitching and moaning about him going away for the first time since the baby was born and he snapped. There’s way too many threads on here lately where men aren’t happy - after major life changes and lack of support and wives who haven’t spent an hour away from a baby in a year - and they get completely and utterly villainised

This will probably seem like a hot take. But what if he said those things to you because he thinks if he says that, he will feel less guilty about cheating on you at this stag doo

He is opting out of being a father and giving himself the opportunity act as a single man this weekend. He is also being very arrogant, telling you when you will discuss the core issues in your marriage and laying all of the load and fault implicitly with you and new DC.

If you have somewhere to go I would leave for a while and be clear you will talk when you are ready to and not just when he is.

Needs careful thought on what you do next. It does sound like he is bailing out perhaps?

I disagree, I feel that if he cared about salvaging the relationship he would have brought this up at a time that he and the OP could talk about it.

He also would have researched help... counselling etc..

He was wrong to dump that on you. Really wrong. I’m so sorry this is happening. Has he described it as stressful organising the stag? Or has he been happy about it?

Has he helped 50/50 prior to the baby arriving? Or is his failure to help a new thing? Has he been allowed to care for the baby in his way or are you controlling about how he interacts with the baby? Or is HE a big baby who doesn’t do much?

Is your OCD new since pregnancy or has he been living with it for some years now and could possibly be struggling with it intensifying now (rather than it being an isolated thing postnatally).

I think if you want to have a marriage with him being curious about his experience is crucial. Like some PPs my DH has mental health problems and it gets harder to cope over time, the sheer repetition of patterns, knowing you are locked into this and cannot ‘fix’ it, being dragged into negative and catastrophic thinking.

I realise you’re working hard and commend you hugely. When my DH got his various diagnoses it hit me so hard - this is for life now, and it was awful. Could it be something like this?

OK to do this as he was leaving was unfair.

His feelings are important, and having OCD can be very challenging for other people to live, but he isn't telling you so you can deal with it, he told you and left you reeling while he having fun with his mates.

I would book yourself some therapy and deal with the OCD and self esteem. Put the 2nd baby on the back burner for a while and prioritise your mental health. It would be unfair to bring another child into this relationship at this point.

Oh OP you poor thing. I am so angry for you! This man has behaved so selfishly. Perhaps he won’t actually do anything on the stag do, he may have just said it now to make you feel shit and try to ignite some jealousy in you to make himself feel better.
But as pp have said he may be justifying some awful behaviour on the weekend away.

Please look after yourself and remember you deserve so much more. Even if he has been an angel on this stag do and wants to make things work, it’s a 50/50 job to work on the relationship and it isn’t all on you.

well done for getting help with the OCD, big hug

I don't think that he is sleep deprived as he doesn't ever see to the baby after 8pm and he gets in a mood if OP asks him to get up to help with the baby before his alarm goes off. He has also made no effort to try and understand her OCD. He sounds like a prick to me.

As soon as I saw he did this right before heading off for a stag do my heart sank. Totally suss. Like he is planning to cheat and then say ‘we were on a break’ or similar. Sorry OP. I would be going out of my mind. Whatever happens when he returns you need to tell him that was out of order! Find your anger. How dare he do that to you?!

So you think it was OK for OP's DH to drop the bombshell that 'he hasn't been happy since our child was born and it's been the most miserable year of his life' and then just swan off on his stag do?

And OP should just tell him to have a lovely time and make sure that he's recovered properly from all the fun/drinking/possibly lap dancing clubs before she even raises this with him?

OP can't help having OCD but he can help not being an arsehole. He just doesn't want to. I'm pretty sure that ,in his head, his 'confession' about his unhappiness now gives him carte blanche to behave as though he were single on this stag weekend.

@Lottie585, my heart goes out to you. You have given abundantly to your H and baby, done the lion’s share of parenting, pushed through/worked on your OCD, and have felt positive. You do not deserve his heinous treatment - suddenly announcing that he has had the most miserable year and then leaving you in an unsettled state to go on this stag weekend. Only a shit husband and shit father would make such a cruel, abusive move.

In my view, he has an agenda to put distance between you to justify acting like a single guy this weekend. Perhaps he already has been. I would be investigating that.

My advice: don’t cling or do the pick me dance. This man is currently not your friend. Find your anger and tell him to stay elsewhere while you consider your options.

I'm seconding the 'boo fucking hoo' response. He can't just drop that bomb then waltz off to a weekend away.

Babies are hard. Dd was a reflux baby with very complex disabilities and it was like someone tossed a grenade into our usually solid relationship.

But we both had agreed before marriage that we never wanted our children to come from a split home. So we talked, and talked, and talked. Sometimes I just wanted to walk away, sometimes so did he.

And I can honestly say that I love that man more now and in a far deeper way than I did in the early exciting days.

But it would never have worked if one half was so disrespectful and dismissive of the others feelings. I'm so sorry op, his behaviour is unacceptable. He should have waited to discuss this at a time when you could process it and when he could be there to support you.

His timing is a not a coincidence. Neither is the fact that he does very little with his child - especially after 8pm!!!

OP, you should spend the time whilst he is away making sure you have copies of payslips & bank statements. Although these days I guess most of it is stored electronically, so a bit more difficult. Start Googling what benefits you might be entitled to & how much child maintenance he’d have to pay.

Maybe he’ll come back contrite & you can put your relationship back together. But, like others, I suspect he is using the time away to play the field. He will then string things along for a while when he gets back. You’ll think you are both trying to work things out while he’ll be planning his exit strategy. And he’lll be out god knows where every evening with lines like ‘you’re so controlling - this is suffocating our relationship’ if you question it.

Sorry, I seem to be skipping ahead a few months. But seriously, get angry. Tell him you’ve had time to think, and he’s not measuring up to what a husband & father should be. Pack his things & tell him to stay at his mum’s when he gets back. DONT leave him in possession of the house.

He very rarely deals with our wee one past 8pm at night and gets annoyed if I ask him to get up before his alarm in the morning
I think this is very telling; he doesn’t consider the baby to be his responsibility. He ‘helps’ when he chooses. Sounds as though he’s resentful that he’s no longer the centre of OP’s world.

What a dick move.. having a baby is tough, it takes a toll, everything changes and you have every right to be feeling the way you do! This isn't a reflection on you! Yes its been tough and its never easy getting dignoised with a health condition espically with a young child! Why hasn't he mentioned sooner? Was communication good before becoming parents?

I hope what ever happens you dont allow this to undo the hard work you've been doing on yourself x

Sorry you are going through this. Firstly it’s good that he has expressed how he is feeling. He’s done it at a really shit time as he’s going away which isn’t fair on you. Not sure why everyone assumes blokes are up to no good on stag dos, I’ve been on loads & no of my mates have ever cheated etc Every marriage goes through difficulties, often after having kids as life completely changes. He may be having work struggles / baby blues / feeling lonely as most of the attention is likely to be baby focused which is natural. Arrange a time to have a calm chat when he gets back - perhaps a day or two afte, arrange a babysitter.. marriage & love is about choice, every day you need to choose each other & fight through the tough patch’s, the key is open honest communication however difficult. Good luck

This. Sounds like you both need to alter your behaviours, and stop being unkind to each other.

Have an honest chat when he gets back.

OP, I hear you. I have OCD too and the first year of my baby’s life was HARD. My husband was a bit of a shit too - mostly when he felt the pressure was on, which meant that he could be incredibly unkind, which was awful. Still recovering from it and no idea what the future holds for us. I’m not a great one for relationship advice - I’d be a hypocrite if I told you to LTB when I didn’t myself.

I think it’s potentially more important to see how you’re coping with OCD because it can be rough. Do you take medication? Sertraline was a lifesaver for me (still is) and helped dampen intrusive thoughts and general poor mood. Have you been offered CBT or similar? I also took up a couple of hobbies to help redirect obsessional thinking (knitting and crochet are great for that due to constant counting).

Your husband sounds like he’s being a shit currently and you’ve had some good advice here. Please don’t forget to put yourself first.

I think this guy is a selfish prick and the timings arent coincidental. I would be meeting him with a deep breath, saying i've thought about what he said and agree we're not happy and its over. Watch him squirm and scramble to get his maid back after his stag do shenanigans!

There’s a lot of focus on how he’s dropped this bombshell and run. I think it matters how this happened.

Was he on his way out the door and turned to say “I’m off on the stag do. By the way, I’m unhappy and have been for a year, bye!” or was he stressed trying to organise and pack for the stag whilst you were being snippy with him and he snapped back in the heat of the moment?

Would paint two very different pictures.

It strikes me as telling that your opening post barely mentions him.. Lots about your mental health issues, your wishes for a 2nd baby etc. and his unhappiness is almost a one liner. You don’t say how good he is at xyz, where you work as a team, how you enjoying zzz together or whatever. It feels weirdly transactional.

Regarding the baby at night and general help, are you particularly fussy about things being done in a certain way? Does he have freedom to bond with the baby in his own unsupervised way?

I think counselling would be effective to help you both discuss the issues in the right place.

I am so sorry for what you’ve been through. OCD is no joke.

Some practical advice if you want to save this relationship:

1. book in with a relationship therapist, someone with good reviews. You can speak to them solo before progressing to both being present.
2. read John Gottman’s 7 Principles For Making Marriage Work.
3. make a list of everything you love about yourself (or ought to!) including all the things hubby was attracted to when you first met.
4. write down YOUR needs and wants.
5. write down what life would look like for YOU if you separated. Child maintenance payments from hubby? Calculate them. Fancy moving or keeping the home? Would you potentially meet someone you love more & are happier with? Would your hubby take on parenting time solo so you’d be free to relax a few times a week?

Once DH is home greet him with your happy, smiley, confident self and say you’ve thought through what the future might look like, you’ve booked couples therapy, and you’ve decided what YOUR criteria are for staying. Phrases like “I’m not looking for someone who doesn’t make their happiness at least partly their own responsibility” or “my kind of man doesn’t mic drop & run off to a stag do” make it clear that you know you are worthy of a good partner. This kind of approach is more likely to make a man want the marriage rather than feel the female partner is a drag.

Soon after that, it’s time to remind him of all the good times you still have on the horizon. Organise lovely time with family, friends, and doing new things together. Men have poor imaginations, they need to have contentment demonstrated rather than discussed.

Finally, a subtle reminder that the temporary misery of raising a small child is less than the long term misery of another man being a much-loved and treasured step father to his child might be in order.

Remember; you feel broken down by his behaviour but you are the same brilliant, attractive and fantastic person he wanted to marry.