My husband said he isn't happy

You need to have a proper sit down and talk when he’s back. Very unfair of him to just drop this on you and leave without further explanation. He also needs to learn about OCD and how it’s something you just can’t easily control.

How have you been unkind to each other? You said you were desperate for children, did he feel the same way, was the baby planned?

Hi Op, that must have been such a difficult thing to hear. No wonder you are feeling panicked and heartbroken; anyone would after a shock like that. You’ve been doing so much work on yourself, trying to manage your OCD and be there for your little one, and it is completely understandable that you thought things were going well. I don’t think you were delusional, you were just seeing things through your own lens, one where you have been growing and doing your best.

That said, I think it is fair to acknowledge that it’s probably been a really tough year for him too. The first year with a baby can be so hard on a relationship; sleep deprivation, constant stress, no time for each other. And living alongside OCD can be confusing and draining for partners, even when they know you are doing your best and getting help. He might have been feeling overwhelmed, helpless, or disconnected without knowing how to say it.

That does not make what he said any less painful, but it might help to see it as him expressing his own struggle rather than rejecting you or the family. Sometimes people say “I have been miserable” when what they really mean is “I have been lost and exhausted and don’t know how to fix it”.

Maybe right now, it is about giving yourselves both a bit of space to breathe. When things have calmed down, you could talk about how you have each been feeling- maybe even with a counsellor if that feels doable.

That was a dick move, and I am not surprised pp are suspicious about the timing.

I would be keen to hear what he has to say after this weekend, OP, but you should also think about what you want to say to him. Consider your priorities and your boundaries. How do you want and need things to be in order to have a good and happy marriage? Consider carefully what your limits are. You don't want to be in a situation where you agree to anything and everything just so that he stays.

Is this a total and utter bombshell shock to you? Has he been trying to tell you this previously? Has the relationship been really awful but you were hoping things would just improve?

He could have said it going out the door because he hadn’t the guts to say it previously or else that he has had his head turned. None of us know him but you do.

What an arse hole. To drop something like that on you before a stag weekend is such a dick move. Of course your mind will still spiralling. Mine has and he isn’t my husband.

Babies don’t sleep well. It’s normal. People just seem obsessed with babies sleeping through the night when the reality is that they should be waking. My 3 year old still wakes a couple of times for a drink. Is it hard? Of course. It’s a massive change.

The first year or so after a baby is the hardest. Things have massively changed, new priorities. You have to consciously make an effort to be partners to each other because it’s too easy to get lost in being mum and dad.

I do think a lot of men assume their life will be exactly the same but with a baby but that’s just not possible. Do you think he would go to couples counselling? I’d say he probably would benefit from individual therapy as well.

Has he been supportive of you this year? Been understanding of your ocd?

I don't know whether the timing is calculated/cruel or just unfortunate, but post-natal depression in men is a very real, very under-researched thing. Some estimates suggest about one in ten men will suffer it.

If he doesn't understand clinical OCD, or perhaps thinks it's a conscious choice you've made, that will amplify the depression because he will just see your condition making things more difficult for him than they already are.

My wife lost a parent within hours of having our first baby so her mind was understandably elsewhere, which left me feeling overwhelmed and isolated. DC1 was also a very colicky baby and it was me who bore the brunt of it. Within a month or so I felt absolutely broken, and that there was no way I wanted our long-planned second child. It took about 15 months to come back around to the idea.

If he says he's not happy and you value your marriage, listen to him. Talk to him, and work out how you can tackle the things he's unhappy about together.

Probably going to get shot down here70 year old Grandma. Having seen parenting change I do feel parents are making things harder on themselves. Seems now all parents get years with no sleep and let kids in the marital bed. Later potty training means more work and how breast pumping to feed from the bottle mystifies me. Then those who won’t let family help.
i have tried to be open minded and yes some things we got wrong and things are better. But it is any wonder so many split up in the early years, easier when not married and usually the women pays the price.
I am not talking babies with conditions, but the general level of parenting now is too much to ask.
yes in a perfect world, both adults would grin and bear it for a few years, but add in housing and cost of living. I could weep for these parents, women more so. The experts have a lot to answer for. I went back to work at a high level, but baby slept through from 3 months after sleep training done with repeated settling, but no pick ups once in the cot. Same 4 years later, with no sleep , I would have lost my job and home. Dh worked in danger, so needed sleep even more.
yes op your husband is a git, but life should not be unbearable, if he is just a man boy then well rid

Did he say what he's found hard specifically? Has his life changed that much? It sounds like he is still getting evenings off and a nice long sleep every night?

Well, actually still me haha. Husband followed the very predictable pattern and started shagging some 24 year old at work.

i found out, kicked him out.

Long story short we had therapy, worked things out, he was very very sorry and has been a model husband in the decades since.

I mean we worked things out but he was still cheating.

The first year of a new baby is really hard for quite a lot of people. It was unkind of your DH to tell you he's been so unhappy. But I agree with others that its very possible he is having an affair.

Another man child who can't cope with the reality of having a baby and wants his bachelor lifestyle back...

I am so sorry OP you have to deal with this and it was very cowardly of him to tell you this out of the blue and then just swan off to a stag do.

If I were you I would tell him not to bother coming back home.

I’m afraid if he was my husband I wouldn’t be there when he got back, and my phone would be off.

OP has been the one struggling and the one up through the night with the baby. She had no idea this was coming.

Men and women are very different, girls are socialised to put everyone but themselves first, boys are socialised to look after themselves (at best). So yes, your statement does turn out to be the case in most cases.

I am sorry things have been difficult for you both this past year. Often when we dream of having children, the reality is not what we expected, particularly for men it would seem!

A member of our family has OCD and has had fantastic results through seeing an OCD specialist. Apparently, OCD is one of the most treatable mental health disorders so if you seek help there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

My sympathy lies with you, but I do know that it is difficult living with someone with OCD and the sufferer is not always aware of the impact on others. This, coupled with the pressures of a newborn, has possibly led your DH to reevaluate what he wants out of life.

I'm afraid my first thought was that he has romantic intentions towards someone else, my second thought was he wanted a free pass for the stag do.

The fact that this is out of the blue for you @Lottie585 , really points to this.

It is definitely the opening gambit for "the script".

It's happened too many times to too many women for it to be considered coincidence without investigation.
The next line is "is there someone else" to which his response is "no, of course not".
In my experience men never leave (or lay the ground to leave) unless they have somewhere else to go.
If you thought you were both happy then don't assume the blame.
Rewriting history is also part of the script.

My heart goes out to you.. It really hurts, and the shock is palpable.

So when a woman struggles he needs to grow up, when a man struggles he needs to grow up

A man cant be unhappy in marriage he must be having an affair

Ok right

Agree with this. Please find some time and space to just be together and talk. Leave the baby with a grandparent for the evening or similar. You don't really know what the matter is grit your teeth and wait.

Well make sure he knows two things:

1. No one is happy with newborns. It's a sleep-deprived, poo and vomit scented hand grenade into a marriage which in no way reflects the true state of your potential happiness and true compatibility in years to come.
2. if he leaves, 50% of all sleep deprived mights, nappy changes and boring preschool parenting duties will be his to enjoy dingle-handed while juggling his job. Because if you have to run two households it will be twice as expensive and he will need to be the main parent 50% of the time. So he doesn't get to walk out on his child.

Or... he can grow the fuck up, act like a man, pull his weight, support his wife, bond with his child and learn to appreciate the joys of family life.

He dumps all that in you before going off to a stag do? Leaves his wife with a young baby?

i wouldn’t trust this bloke as far as I could throw him. Hear him out next week. Listen to his proposals for how you can move forward. If he puts it all on you then be prepared to call it a day. It is very easy for me to say that as it isn’t my life of course. However I bet if the worst comes to the worst and you break up you will be so much happier without this lump of misery in your life. Trust me, never mind that he is unhappy, when/if he goes you will eventually experience a happiness that you could never have imagined.

Sending you best wishes.

He's either already cheating on you, or setting it up so that he can. This is the script.

I'm so sorry X

Sounds like things have been tough.

There’s never a good time to say that you’re struggling in a marriage. You have drifted onto different pages and your husband being honest with you is really important as you now know how far apart that has got.

It is really hard being with someone who has ill mental health. Even for the most supportive person it’s sapping of energy and fun and it cumulatively takes such a toll on that person’s wellbeing. His experience and the impact is just as legitimate. Am sadly speaking from experience, roles reversed.

Why is there different responses because he’s a man? I’ve been there and am out the other side. I lost myself and my happiness supporting someone, luckily my kids were older.

He’s doing the right thing laying the cards on the table and there is a place from that for you to move forward in an informed way together. You seem like you’ve heard him and that’s great and a good starting point to changing the balance back to where it was before and things were good.

Best of luck.

Yes but we’ve no idea how much he’s supported her over the last year - he might be doing everything he can to help - he said they’ve both been unkind so maybe - just maybe - there’s two of them in it and he’s not a horrible selfish man who does nothing to help. The timing mightn’t be great but like I said, who knows what the build up was. And everyone jumping to oh he’s going to go cheating and spend the weekend figuring out how to live on your own - maybe some advice from people who struggled after a baby but got things back on track might be more helpful?

1. He's not pulling his weight with baby/getting annoyed if asked to wake up. 2)He's ignoring your diagnosed MH struggles, at a time when you are particularly vulnerable. 3)He's a coward - dropping this on you and running. Leaving an already struggling partner to cope with this, whilst being wholly responsible for baby's needs.

I don't doubt that you have been a challenge to live with OP (I've suffered from anxiety and OCD), at a challenging time for him too. BUT he sounds totally self centred and, is not prioritising even his child's needs.
This is likely to keep recurring, at all times of stress and difficulty. He, is his number 1 priority.
You will struggle to maximise your own mental health, because he's not just ignoring it, he's actively contributing to your struggles.
Is that what you want?
You will live a life of keeping the ship afloat and trying to keep him stable and happy.

Because, sorry, men tend to follow a very very predictable pattern. What is that line from a movie - ‘i always stereotype, it makes things quicker’.

but for the sake of argument yes he could be the 0.000001% of men who says he is unhappy and needs to think on a stag do because the thinking he will be doing is researching a good couple’s therapist and thinking of ways he can help his partner get more sleep and feel more herself again? He’s going to think about ways he can work on their relationship.

^^ i really hope it’s true but it just doesn’t sound plausible, sorry