My husband said he isn't happy

Yes this exactly..
It is really infuriating reading some of the dumb , zero thought gone into them , posts put up here , I was going to say sometimes , literally every day !!!!..

When he comes back ask him what his plan is to sort himself out. You are not responsible for his happiness. Also spell out the impact his unhappiness ( however that has been presenting itself).has on you and the baby and remind him it's not fair for it to impact you. He ne ds to sort himself out and step up

It's a marriage. It's not as simple as one person just needing to 'sort himself out'. It's not fair for the OP's feelings to impact on him and the baby either, but they obviously have been doing so, given her struggles with her mental health. Also, so far - apparently the OP thought everything was fine, so in fact her husband's feelings haven't had much/any impact on her at all, until now.

Hate to say it, but men don’t do stuff like this unless their head has already been turned/they’re already having an affair.

Fucking hell, Mumsnet is a repellent place sometimes. Heaven fucking forbid that a man might dare to admit they're unhappy. Or that anyone might consider that 'Yeah, he's fucking someone else, soz' might not be a helpful response to an anxious mother of a one-year-old who is already spiralling into obsessive thoughts, given that you know literally nothing about the people involved.

I think it's very, very common for men to struggle massively after a baby is born. Let's face, having a baby turns everyone's life upside-down and a lot of men feel pushed out or helpless. The maternal bond and all the raging hormones involved mean that new mums usually have that really intense, instinctive feeling about their baby. It's different for men, and they often feel bewildered and guilty about it. If your baby slept badly, and you had OCD that was especially focused on your husband's own mother, it's really, really not surprising that he feels it's been a really tough year.

I suspect you've felt differently about the past year because the whole year has been about you and your role as mother to your baby, which sounds like a role you always really wanted. You've been entirely focused on your baby and your relationship with the baby, plus your OCD, have been at the centre of everything. Having a baby is a massive, MASSIVE adjustment to anyone's life and I doubt there's been much room for him and his feelings - plus, he probably didn't feel he could express any of that when you were struggling with OCD and night feeds etc.

Exactly..
Your gut is not telling you anything 🙄..
You don’t even know these people !

It's good he is sharing ( albeit terrible timing). When he comes back ask him what his plan is to sort himself out. You are not responsible for his happiness. Also spell out the impact his unhappiness ( however that has been presenting itself).has on you and the baby and remind him it's not fair for it to impact you. He ne ds to sort himself out and step up.

Hate to say it, but men don’t do stuff like this unless their head has already been turned/they’re already having an affair.
Brace yourself for a slippery conversation.

I’m so sorry you are going through this ☹️🩵

This doesn't sound as though he is doing everything he can to help:

'My mood is more often dictated by how tired I am rather than OCD. He very rarely deals with our wee one past 8pm at night and gets annoyed if I ask him to get up before his alarm in the morning.'

Oh come on. This is ridiculous, encouraging someone to split up and suggesting your "gut" is telling you he's cheating. You have no idea.

Golden407 gives really good advice ❤️

Has he contacted you at all op?

Well, many posters suggest he had "his head turned". I cannot imagine who would be interested in him and possibly breaking up a family.
Also, I said I speak for myself.

So he’s dropped a bomb and gone off an all weekend binge with his mates. He’s basically set himself up for a weekend of and blamed you for whatever happens before he’s even left.
Thats cruel and I would not be considering any second babies with him

You say your older DD has no understanding or sympathy - but do you have either for how hard it has been for her to have a mother with a mental health disorder in general and OCD in particular? Do you really understand how stressful and distressing it has been for her?

My would you have another child when your anxiety is so extreme, given that the older one clearly didn’t love the experience?

How much treatment have you had? Was any of it successful?

Married men with young children are a huge turn off

What an utterly bizarre thing to post @Luckyingame. Why would you think that was relevant? 😂

Did he genuinely want a child? Or did he do what most men do and just go along with it without really thinking it through or discussing expectations of what family life looks like?
Most men are completely apathetic about having kids but rather than using their words or growing a spine they bumble along with this family idea and then regret it, throw their toys out of the pram and turn into a complete tosser when they realise their man child lifestyle might have to change.
Most of the ones that claim they genuinely want a child only want one if they don’t have to do anything or change the way they live and act.
Its a tiny proportion that both genuinely want one AND step up as a decent father and family man.
Women that want kids should just do it and team up with their female friends to raise them properly.

Married men with young children are a huge turn off.
Speaking for myself.
Otherwise, obviously, another shitty husband and father.

I just wanted to share my experience with you to show support. I'm a single mother so I can't really offer advise on relationships. But I've got OCD (very specifically developed after my last baby was born,) and it was so bad I barely even remember the first couple years of her life. It was like being in a fog. I rarely left the house the because I was so scared. Now she's 3 and I'm feeling a lot better thankfully, but it's always there like an undercurrent of anxiety. I have a fixation with avoiding head injuries and if you could see the mental images my brain comes up with you'd understand. It's pretty constant too. It's better than the graphic images of car crashes that would flash in my head keeping me from going to the store, etc. Thankfully that doesn't happen anymore. It's so difficult to live like this. I think it's deplorable we as humans can't seem to find any real help for women's health issues. There's no excuse for it. It's 100% not your fault. Perhaps your husband has misunderstood situations because he's never dealt with this level of anxiety. My oldest daughter (older teen) has reacted negatively to it and has had zero understanding or sympathy for me. So I could see a husband also not understanding and maybe taking some things personally instead of objectively looking at the OCD for what it is. Maybe if he understood better he would deal better? Marriage is in sickness and in health, but when the health issues don't present physically people tend to be less compassionate. I hope counseling and some education will help your husband, but mostly I hope you don't blame yourself. You've got a new baby and a new diagnosis (really a whole new brain to deal with) and it hasn't been very long. You deserve a lot more support imo and I hope you get it. You ought to be very proud of yourself for taking care of yourself and your child so well, and finding happiness in it too. It's a lot of responsibility and you stepped up quite well.

wow. His behaviour is pathetic and immature. He’s been sidelined because you’ve had a baby and all your attention isn’t on him. Boo fucking hoo.
Telling you this as he leaves for a stag weekend is fucking disgusting behaviour. He needs to grow up.

I’ve read through the responses so far. Honestly, I think the worst thing you can do is ask mumsnet for advice if you’re have relationship problems. The man bashing and vitriol are on another level, you’ll never get a reasoned balanced response on here.
Apparently he’s definitely cheating, or at least planning to and if you can’t see it you’re a mug.
I know men cheat on stag weekends, most don’t but some do. I can’t understand why he would feel the need to create some sort of narrative beforehand? If he wanted to cheat why not just do it, chances are he would get away with it anyway.
More likely he thought he thought it would give you a chance to reflect for a couple of days before discussing the issues, which is not a bad idea especially as you weren’t aware of any real issues up until now.
Keep an open mind and have an honest discussion when he returns.

Wishing you all the best x

Living with someone with a mental health issue like OCD is very, very hard.

The fact OP didn’t know she had it means he didn’t know either. Pregnancy is a massive trigger.

That said, his reluctance to be hands on with the baby or get out of bed may indicate he’s one of those men who just don’t like having a baby and the disruption it brings to their life.

So it’s probably a combination of both factors.

The first year of having a baby is hard. It's difficult on relationships, intimacy and it changes who we are. Its not an easy transition. Although, it sounds like you have been doing a lot of the grunt work. Are you happy? Are you happy with his level of contribution to your family because it sounds like you are carrying him as a parent. It also sounds like he isn't actually a very good partner in the partnership sense. In my case, lack of sleep and stress exacerbates my OCD. Why is his sleep more important than yours? Why doesn't he care about your physical and emotional wellbeing?

If he is unhappy what exactly is he going to do about it? Is he committed to you and your marriage? What future does he see for himself? What support is he going to get to work on himself.

I think it's nasty for him to drop this in you and the fuck off for the weekend. This guy has dropped this on you and left you solely responsible for his kid all weekend worry about it. That doesn't sound like a good dad does it?

I reckon he's dropping this on you now as way of justifying in his mind whatever he gers up to during the stag. Its very cowardly and manipulative.

Off cheating for the weekend but can justify it in his mind. Put him out, you and your baby will be fine.

I had that kinda thought that he’s basically dumping this on her now to give himself a hall pass on the stag do.
what a 🔔 🔚

@Lottie585 big hugs to you.

even if he comes back all contrite etc id maybe consider whether id want to be with him.

OCD is no fun and to leave you with that bombshell and on your own is cruel and heartless.

whether you can work past this or go it alone as a single parent please keep up the good work that you are doing managing your OCD so that it doesn’t affect your child. I have (admittedly mild) OCD and it’s not always easy to parent - you sometimes have to give yourself a bit of a talking too to recognise it’s the OCD making you paranoid - but it’s important to try to not let it impact on the child’s wellbeing. They will be fine despite our overactive brains trying to tell us otherwise.

If one person in a marraige is unhappy then they should absolutely be honest and speak up. But the time to do that is NOT right before you go away for the weekend on a stag do.
At best, the timing was thoughtless and inconsiderate. He should have realised that dropping this bombshell on his wife, who he knows is diagnosed with an Anxiety disorder, right before leaving will mean she will inevitably spend all weekend ruminating and catastrophising whilst trying to care for a baby alone.
At worst, the timing is deliberately calculated so that if you later find out he has crossed a line on this stag do he can say "I told you I wasn't happy" and justify his behaviour, either to you or to himself.
When you get back you need to have a proper talk and while it's important to hear him out, you also need to address his timing and thought process behind it. I would be very curious to see how he behaves when he comes back from this weekend away.

Yep, interesting timing.