The ‘mental load’

Totally get what you’re saying and agree, but I suppose what’s difficult is how to you define clearly what ‘counts’ as mental load and what doesn’t? What might be more difficult for one person that’s super easy for another? Even in the example you’re giving re PE kits. For some, yep, super easy. Access to a washing machine, and money to buy a spare set maybe. Maybe a partner who organises the packed lunch while you organise the uniform? I don’t know. I just think it’s completely impossible to quantify. I do agree though as I said in my other post that some people definitely do make a huge deal of things that don’t need to be. I do find it difficult for example to watch people on Instagram good on about the mental load of packing for a holiday for 3 kids, for example. But then, maybe for them it really does feel like mental load. It’s just another way to pit women against each other, really. Race to the bottom and all that. Sorry you’re having a tough time too. 🌷

Most people answering seem to think that the question is: ‘does ‘mental load’ exist?’ Rather than: ‘do you dislike the term ‘mental load’?

Yes. It’s called being an adult

I think that's part of the point. Dealing with horrible, difficult situations with one's children is not "mental load", it's not comparable to some of the "remembering candles and matches for a birthday party" examples being given here.

I'm sorry you are having a difficult time and yes. I do have a number of significant worries, but it doesn't stop me rolling my eyes at the dramatisation of getting PE kit ready.

Bit coincidental that so very many women make that mistake, isn't it?
Almost as though it's inequality at a societal level.

I’d also like to point out that those of you saying you don’t understand it, you don’t think it’s a big deal etc. Do you have any significant worries that add to your (apparently non existent) mental load? Believe me, dealing with an ongoing horrendous situation with one of my children (in conjunction with other stuff going on) is really not just organising birthday parties and paying bills. It’s not just ‘normal life.’

Only if you marry someone totally useless.

But mostly that's because you are a single childfree woman. I am now single and my kids are grown up and there IS no mental load. Everything, all the admin and organisation and things are of my own life. Nobody except me will die if I miss doctors' appointments. Nobody except me will care if I miss a party.

Having been a single mum to five, I remember the mental load during those days and it was INSANE. Just keeping up with one kid's requirements, appointments, school stuff and social calendar was mad, multiply that by five and THAT is a mental load.

Agree.

If you’re only responsible for yourself, of course you’re not going to think there is anything to the mental load because what you do and don’t do mainly effects you usually, but when you add a child, a sick relative, disabled relative, or anything where you’re responsible for more than just you on a daily or several times a week basis, there is a mental load because there are more that depend on you and are effected by your actions or lack there of.

Yes this was just one example. It's easier to say 'mental load' as a collective term for all the millions of examples than list all examples individually. Like how it's easier to say 'housework' rather than 'tidying, mopping, hoovering, wiping down, cleaning bathrooms...etc etc etc'

The term itself makes sense. We all have a mental load we have to manage to get through life.

i think what you are referring to is when people’s mental load is too high. I can assure you as one of those people, it’s a very real burden and the term provides a tangible way to discuss this issue with family who are usually the ones who can help to alleviate it.

Everyone has a mental load. It only becomes a problem when it breeds resentment because one half of the relationship is having to think about and plan everything.

Totally this. It’s a very real problem for a lot of (almost entirely) women.

What would you rather call it OP?

All the data that's ever been published ever on this topic says you're wrong, but think what you like.

A bit yes. Most of the time, it's just life, and the product your life decisions
I can find it interesting when it is unbalanced in a couple dynamic.
But I think just moaning about the mental load as if it was a new asset in the oppression toolbox is somewhat taking agency away from women. In other words: just grow a back bone and / or LTB.

I have been asked if I'm not overwhelmed by the mental load as a single childfree woman, no, it's just life, and being alone means that I don't have any expectations that anything will get done by anyone else. So the 'mental load" is nothing but a to-do list, up to me to act on it.

Or rather, "life for women"

You think that women aren't taking on more of the thinking and mental organising behind child rearing and household tasks?

The data does not back you up.

It depends how it's used. One half of a couple having to think and plan absolutely everything to the extent no food would be bought and no activities planned without her? Legitimate. One half of a couple complaining they need to send Christmas cards to distant relatives that their husband most likely doesn't care about sending cards to? Not legitimate

My rule is that if it's something that in the event of a divorce you'd still want to make the decision on (children's club decisions, Christmas/birthday cards and presents, decorating planning and decisions, etc) then it doesn't count as mental load and there is no point complaining about it.

Woman who complains about mental load = woman whose partner says 'just tell me what to do and I'll do it' and then gets snotty when she says that's not the point and accuses her of dreaming up the whole 'mental load' thing.

I have yet to have a relationship with a man who actually gets the entirety of what needs to be done and takes on his half voluntarily. Hopefully that's just down to the calibre of men I meet and they're out there doing their thing.

I don't believe in it. I think it's absolute nonsense to be honest.

No.

It's very real and I'm glad we now have a name for it. We can't get dads to understand it and take their share of it if we can't define it.

Haha, yes.

Yes this was just one example. It's easier to say 'mental load' as a collective term for all the millions of examples than list all examples individually. Like how it's easier to say 'housework' rather than 'tidying, mopping, hoovering, wiping down, cleaning bathrooms...etc etc etc'

I dont really think mental load necessarily becomes a thing, or a problem until you have kids (or probably caring for an elderly relative with limited capacity) and are then responsible for someone else.

And there become more every day things to anticipate, remember, plan, consider, organise etc. (As much as the action or chore itself) Instead of your own dentist/dr/optician appointments, social life, deadlines, general admin, replacing things that are grown out of or broken, etc etc youre doing that for multiple people. I think it has probably changed for our generation, because more women are working ft. More children are in formal childcare. It's not that each individual action takes ages - they might only take minutes ...but someone has to know when/where/how much/what time/when thats due etc and that takes headspace

I met DH in the supermarket once - we had each gone independently, he was buying ingredients for a recipe he wanted to make that day, I was buying stuff we had run out of, like milk, pet food and things to go in DC lunch boxes. He would have got them "if I'd let him know what we'd run out of...."

@Thatstheheatingon that’s not the “mental load” that allowing another adult to use you for 25 years and to put up with it!