The ‘mental load’

Plus you lose the HUGE weight of resentment. When it's all down to you you find your own systems and ways of coping, but when you're dragging another adult along who doesn't even bother to TRY to help, or who pretends to forget which day is bin day every fucking week, forgets the kids' birthdays, just breezes along in his own little space because, despite your asking, and begging, he refuses to do so much as a postcard on holiday to help - it's not so much the load that kills you. It's the fact that there's another sentient being who is adding to it and pretending that it's no big deal.

That is why sometimes being a single parent is easier.

And how does writing your Christmas cards take five minutes

I didn’t say Christmas cards, I said birthday cards. That really does take five minutes. Write it out, stick a stamp on it, stick it in the postbox next time you’re passing. But since you asked: who still sends a load of Christmas cards? I can’t remember the last time I sent one.

And if renewing your car insurance takes you hours you’re doing it wrong.

It’s not just renewing the home insurance. It’s all the financial stuff plus (etc)

Which is why I said it depends what people are counting as mental load. Often in posts about division of labour the one who isn’t pulling their weight will bolster their list with the tiniest little two minute once a year jobs to make it look like they have as much on their to do list, while the other is doing the lions share of running the home. It’s a thing.

I think this is one of those "it depends" things. I've been a lone parent where 100% of the mental load has been on me. Yes, that was absolutely more work than if I was in a functional relationship. Being the only person dealing with correspondence from schools, making sure the DCs have what they need, putting together a menu plan and shopping list for the week ahead, maintaining social relationships for the children's benefit etc etc etc was unmistakably more work doing it alone than sharing it with someone else.

But, and this is a big "but", it wasn't an impossibly unmanageable amount of work. Becoming a lone parent undoubtedly harmed my career but I've accepted that. The alternatives were way worse.

I do think that some people exaggerate just how much work all that really is. I did all that as a lone parent for two DCs plus holding down a full-time job. I also had enough free time to do a Masters in the evenings when they were a bit older. If you're a lone parent of a really tiny child then it's different but even then it's not mental load, it's more the necessity of working around their awake/sleep/illness cycle.

I've seen some of the messages here where people are bemoaning being a SAHP for school-aged DCs and absent of special needs I have to admit that I wonder what the actual fuck they do all day.

Well at least you have one less person to micromanage. If only you can do things, you're not wondering whether your husband had thought about this and that.

I guess when your kids are getting older you start having expectations again though...

I used to, until my oldest started school, and now I’m juggling school run / nursery run (packed lunches, PE kit, non uniform day, funky hair day, booking after school clubs, rearranging nursery days for unexpected meetings), birthday parties and the presents / childcare for the other child, working full time but flexi work so I’m also doing all dog walks & vet appts / doctor / dentist / HV for my youngest, hobbies. My OH works long shifts so naturally a lot falls to me. 6 months ago I cringed when people would use the phrase, but the addition of school and all the extra associated stuff means I’ve got about 50 tabs open in my brain at any one time 😅

Granted things like routine appointments are only a few times a year and scheduled well in advance, but I think it’s more that there’s always just something to remember!

You see, in that case, as a tool to communicate within the household and being proactive, I understand how useful it can be.

I'm a single parent, and the mental load is real, otherwise, when I shrugged some of it off, ex wouldn't have become so indignant about having to do his own insurance renewal/MOT/cook the kids dinner without being told what to cook them would he?

And yes, I'm currently barely keeping my head above water, and the only way I am managing is because I have various strategies to deal with mental load - eg. school uniform and PE kit *5 so I just have to get them all washed and put back together on a Sunday and not have to think about them all week. Having fixed days where we just get takeaway or have frozen dinners so I don't have to think about that either. Paying every bill/filling in every school request the moment it comes in so it's not hanging over me. Just accepting that I'll be screwed over a little in my insurance renewal, because my time is booked out 6am to 9pm every single day but Sunday, and I literally don't have any headspace at the moment to do any more.

When your mental load is low, when there isn't too much going on, of course it feels trivial. When you're already at capacity, one more stupid thing can tip you over the edge.

If we did "LTB" over this, would that actually reduce the mental load that falls to us?
Everything child related would still need to be done, for example.

Not. I think it's a good way to describe an invisible load that is often unequally shared.

It’s cringeworthy when the wife stays home but if she’s working and juggling everything else, I think it’s apt.

Yep. Especially when it's a SAHM who doesn't acknowledge any mental load in being a sole earner.

This

Not at all. Some People think more than others about things/ some people have more to do than others- hardly a newsflash!

The best way to test if the mental load is a thing or not is to put it down.
If anything requires any thought/consideration/research/planning/coordinating/remembering - just patch it. Don’t get involved. Let the chips fall where they may.
Let your head fill up with whatever you want to fill it with and live life like a typical man.
When the wheels fall off and nobody has what they need and everything’s gone to shit because nobody has engaged their brain in the bigger picture, maybe what the mental load is will finally become clear.
Except most women won’t do this. Because they won’t tolerate the consequences for their children if they did.
Sometimes my share of the mental load can feel quite heavy so I’m very glad my DH actually picks up his share. Despite my vagina, my brain does actually also deserve some time to switch off too.

"What I don't get is where do we go from here?"

When you can define it and explain it you can do something about it. Dh gets it now. He understands it exists. He understands that if he asks me to make a list he's asking me to take ownership and manage the task. I don't do that anymore. Previously I couldn't quite explain why I'd get so annoyed about lists.

My sons now understand why I'd get annoyed when I ask them to put the bins out and they keep saying they'll do it later. They'd insist they were going to do it at what's my problem. My problem was that I couldn't take it off my mental list if I had to keep reminding them and keep checking that it got done because sometimes it didn't get done.

I think that having the phase to explain it helps to raise awareness of it. It's not about shitty husbands it's about husbands who didn't realise and wives who couldn't quite explain it.

Hmm. My husband definitely does stuff beyond working, but he definitely consults me on most house things rather that use his initiative or work it out for himself (what cycle should he pick on the washing machine? Which draw does the softener go in again? What is there in the fridge for lunch?) and many things simply dont enter his mind. He couldn't tell you when bin day is or what bin it is this week. I'd have to ask him to put the bins out, it wouldn't occur to him. He doesnt know our children's teacher's names or what forms they're in. He doesn't know when anyone in the extended family's birthdays are. He is capable of cooking dinner but would 100% ask me what he should cook first. No one in this house ever puts a new roll of toilet roll on the holder apart from me, despite me repeatedly asking. He doesnt keep the mental list in his head like do, the "ds1's needs new shoes/they're all due opticians appointments/we're running low tin foil/ the zip on Ds2's school bag needs fixing/all kid's drawers need sorting through for outgrown clothes/swimming lesson fees need paying" etc.

That is the invisible stuff that is the mental load, plus much more. Yes, he would help if I ask, but me asking doesnt stop it still being my mental load.

Bloody hell the sneering on here is unreal! ‘The mental load’ is just another term for being saddled with the job of having to hold space in your brain for everyone else’s stuff, so that they don’t have to. If you live with another grown adult it’s not unreasonable for that adult to share that burden but too often they don’t. Over time it’s exhausting and debilitating. Imagine you work with a colleague with whom you are expected to collaborate to deliver required outputs, but you’re always the one who books the meetings, makes the notes, implements the tasks, coordinates the follow ups, chases the feedback and ultimately works harder to ensure that the project is delivered on time and in budget, but your colleague coasts, lets you do the majority of the tedious work and then shows up when the client praises you both for a job well done. Initially it’s something you swallow, but over time it grates, and eventually you just resent them. It’s a real thing and sneery shit like this just makes sure that women who deal with this crap think twice about saying they’re fed up with it, for fear of being put down, belittled and mocked.

It’s still about low expectations though - why are so many people married to men who need to be told this stuff?

It is unfair if one parent has a to do list (mental or written) with 100 things on it and one parent has a to do list with 3 things on it. Or in some cases, no to do list.

It is unfair if one parent is sitting in front of the tv researching birthday party venues, texting mutual friends to organise social stuff, ordering hockey socks, shopping around for insurance, amending the food shop - and the other one is scrolling Instagram because none of that stuff is their problem.

It is unfair if one parent spends their weekends meal planning and cooking and figuring out when everyone needs to be where - and the other one just does what they are asked with zero thinking.

Even if both parents do equal tasks (which is rare), if only one of them is thinking and remembering and planning what needs to be done, and the other one only does what they are asked and reminded multiple times, then the load is not equal. Because one parent’s headspace is full of what needs doing next and the other’s is empty for them to think about whatever is important to them.

Managers at work get paid more, due to the extra responsibility. And they get expected to do less of the actual work, because managing (planning, coordinating, chasing up) everyone else is seen as a big job in itself. If one parent is the “manager” but still expected to do half the jobs, or more, that is unfair.

I don’t know how else to explain it 🤷‍♀️ If you don’t understand the mental load then you either live a very simple life (probably without kids or with one small child or much older kids) or you’re leaving it all to your partner.

What I don't get is where do we go from here?
Once we have coined the term, what should be done next?
We're not going to put a cop behind all shitty husbands to force them to do their part.

So the only reasonnable thing to do is to either LTB (my fav) or communicate.

At a society level, the only thing I can think of (maybe there are plenty other things...) is for dads to have a proper paternity leave, like 3-6 months.
I can imagine that when the dad comes back to work after the what, 10-15 days post birth (soz don't know the number), and that the mum starts dealing with doctors appointments, vaccination schedule, buying nappies, formula and what not, it's just so easy for men to not care about the day to day. If the first months were equally shared, not everything would be on the mum.

Also, what is really necessary? I always see here plenty of drama about birthday parties, what happened to having a colin the caterpillar cake 5 balloons on the bannister and a couple of presents and here you are, now it's a paw patrol cake with matching cupcakes, a pony with ribbons, personalised sweet bags and a bouncy castle Isn't it all performative?

It's not about the doing. It's about the thinking about if it needs to be done.

There's a difference between a mental load (ie things you have to think about) and the mental load (ie the sociological concept of the invisible work that everything ever published on the subject shows exists and disproportionately falls to women).

I wonder if people here are talking about two different things.

Some of you have really low expectations for your DH/DPs.

Yes there’s lots to do but you don’t have to do it alone.

Life would be boring if we were all the same, eh?

And many of us roll our eyes at some choosing to minimise it to that.