The ‘mental load’

and yet at the same time, there's often admiration for a dad who organises playdates, or goes on a school trip , or makes all the pack lunches, like hes really going above and beyond!

Well, there's certainly no admiration from me. That's basic parenting.

But I was raised by a dad who was 100% involved in all the "mental load" - he sorted uniforms, did school runs, arranged play dates, took me to extra-curricular lessons and arranged my hobbies - so I just see it as normal, I guess.

No.

It might be a relatively new term to describe the shit that has often been women's lives, but that doesn't negate the reality of it.

Someone mentioned 'mental load' is just a list. The point is, it's not just your own list. It's your list, the list for your kid(s), the list for your "partner". And it's not just the project management of everyone's lists, it's doing everything on everyone's lists. And when you take on all of the management and all of the doing, it's an exhausting hiding to nowhere.

When I was single, there was no 'mental load' for me - and I wouldn't really have understood the term - because the only person I needed to look out for or after was myself. It was not my unspoken job to take on responsibility for anyone else's life.

https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

There is an underlying current of "oh silly you, you chose a shit husband, why dont you just do adulting better, or stop doing everything, or LTB"

...but how come so many people chose someone useless. The answer was that they weren't useless when you met. Each of you carried your own load without issue. Mental load really becomes onerous when you are taking the load for another (dependent) person so mostly when you have DC, or if you take responsibility for an elderly parent/relative, and that is when it can feel overwhelming on top of working ft.
And somehow there's an expectation that women will take that on.

The irony is that often its dismissed as "basic menial stuff that women like to complain about to make themselves seem busy" ....and yet at the same time, there's often admiration for a dad who organises playdates, or goes on a school trip , or makes all the pack lunches, like hes really going above and beyond!

Single parents with kids have a greater mental load than single people without kids. And they struggle with it too and some
say so.

Reminders are great, but they are just reminders. I can put a note on the fridge door all I want, it's not going to book the appointment for me, is it? If you don't only have reminders for yourself but for other people as well, that's more stuff for you to actually do, isn't it?

Yes, some apps do make life a lot easier. Direct debit is, in my opinion, one of the best inventions ever, having been an adult when you had to physically post a cheque or go out to pay a bill.
But we haven't got to the stage quite yet when putting a reminder in your phone equates to actually doing every task.

Somebody still has to do it. And it's an extra mental load of you aren't having to do it just for yourself.

Why is that so hard to understand? It's not rocket science...

I never used the word individual.

I said that it needs to be referred to as a husband problem - in other words, the issue isn't with the specific tasks that need doing, the issue is that those tasks are falling to women, and that's what needs to be addressed.

It isn’t just an individual husband/partner problem if it’s something that’s happening across society, though, is it? That’s like saying that sexual harassment at work or being always expected to make the tea in the office is a “boss problem”, or women being catcalled in the street is a “builder problem”.

It’s something that is structurally part of the disproportionate way that the mundane domestic, family and organisational duties fall to women, not just in the workplace or in the wider world but at home too.

If women hadn’t been able to say that, hang on, female employees being disproportionately asked to make the tea at work is part of a wider problem of sexism in society, and instead had been told just that it was their own fault for not simply refusing to do it, we’d all still be being sent out to take the tea and coffee orders for male colleagues as a matter of course.

If you have a disabled or unwell partner, then that's a whole different story and whole different set of challenges.

The "mental load" in that scenario is a whole different ball game and should really be referred to as carers burnout or something similar.

No, I don’t cringe but it isn’t a term I would use: I believe it would be better described as mental & emotional load.

So are we only using the expression when referring to healthy couples?

See, I actually think the opposite.

It SHOULD be referred to as a husband problem (or partner problem) because that's exactly what it is. Referring to it as "the mental load" means it's dismissed as something silly or pointless.

I meant the general "you".

I think its disingenuous to breezily say its a husband problem, or its easy because weve got apps to help remind us of stuff....

It is often a husband problem but its also a bigger issue. People on these threads like to mock/sneer when people talk about buying/wrapping a birthday present, write a birthday card etc....but who's going to feel awkward or shit when they turn up to a party empty handed (your child) and who are other people going to judge when the same kid turns up without a pringle tube for craft/without a costume for world book day/without a pack lunch on school trip day (clue - its generally not dad)
More than one poster has mentioned that school/gps etc call mum as the default parent even if dads number is provided as primary carer.
When my DC was at primary school there was one dad on the class whatsapp group. Now DC are teens, who's on the school FB page, asking if anyone knows how the new app works, whether anyone has been given their login yet, what time the school is open for exam results, what size are the leavers hoodies? (Spolier, its all mums)

I don’t have a husband?

I’m capable of observing population wide trends without having to comment on my specific situation.

you obviously have a very easy life. Try my mental loads for 2 DC with very complex care needs/disabilities, in special school settings with endless meetings, hospital and therapy appointments, tons of paperwork to complete. when one for is finished, there is already something else waiting. Having to take the LA to tribunal over failure to finalise my youngest EHCP and leaving them for almost a year without education. All whilst having to work 5 days a week and having no support network.

Exactly.

Dismissing the impact of having a useless partner by talking about the "mental load" isn't helping anyone.

You're not explaining the obvious, you're just being unpleasant for no reason.

IMO it doesn't do women any favours to refer to the "mental load". If you're married to a useless specimen who can't book dentist appointments or remember to empty the bins, then address that.

I can’t decide which I hate more ‘mental load’ or ‘food noise’

I’m with you op. All of the things usually listed under ‘the mental load’ are part of day to day living and usually due to having people around you that don’t pull their weight (or as a single parent). Organising a party, arranging a boiler check, buying tickets for the school nativity and paying bills are just that.

No.
Disabled single parent who is also a carer to a disabled teen, parent to another teen under investigation for disabilities, and an elderly mother.

my 'mental load' is a bit more complex than some others out here.

Well, aren't you delightful.

of course its a husband problem. The mental load is a word for a specific type of husband problem.

Jeez. So much stupid on here today.

you think that people who talk about the mental load have never experienced being single or a single parent? Youre all just fckn delighted about having to do it all? No single parent ever moans, and if they did get into a relationship, they definitely wouldnt expect a partner to do any of it because doing it all is just being an adult??

Get real

I'll add that I was working full-time for most of that time. For much of the time, I had to manage it all with broken sleep.

But why should it exclusively be the job of one* person to* manage this and not the other?

It shouldn't - and if that's the case in your marriage, then you have a husband problem, not a "mental load" problem.