Are we wrong for not inviting my MIL and SIL to our micro wedding ceremony?

Agreed. I'd realise that this was going to throw a bomb into family relationships, and say thanks, but no thanks.

As I said earlier, unless the aunt is already NC, she's going to suffer for 'taking mums place' every bit as much as (if not not more than) OP and her DH. Why put herself through that?

But @JanineR still hasn't answered the questions about whether aunt knows that her sister isn't invited, and if so, what she thinks about it.

If I was the aunt I wouldn’t attend in my sister’s place, even if I didn’t like her. I would say to your fiancé that I knew things had been difficult between him and his Mum but I just didn’t feel comfortable taking her place, even though I wished him all the luck in the world.

You’re not close to his family so you forgot that he has a mother?! Come on.

Absolutely this.

Honestly, OP, for your sanity stay well out of it. This is between your dh and his family. You cannot fix it and you will only cause more problems if you try to get involved.

Yes they will blame you. Fuck them. You and your dh know the truth.

Like it or not you will have to deal with her for years to come, and if you let her get to you at all it will cause you no end of misery.

Ouch that your partner chose his aunt. Thats a total slap in the face. Did he really think there wouldnt be fall out?

Tbh I would have gone with just both mums and a mutual friend

Just elope. Simple.

Usually I try to write helpful supportive things on mumsnet, but this is about the most deliberately mean thing I have ever read. Are you serious? Unless he was abused by her growing up, why bother with the social convention of a ‘wedding’ if you’re not going to not follow the most basic social convention of inviting both mothers?

Friends have just got married at a registry office and had coffee and cake afterwards (just them and us two witnesses) but they had neither mothers (horrendous abuse from one of their families growing up). They had a good reason and didn’t pretend it was a wedding.

Are you two really good together if you just encourage each other to be mean? What harm would two more guests do? Just ask for contributions if you can’t afford it, or find a cheaper place.

It’s your wedding so ultimately up to you who you invite, but it’s hardly surprising that the groom’s own mother is upset to have been excluded. How would you feel if your child did this in the future?

See, I voted YABU and then after reading this I would change my vote if I could. I would have included this in your OP for the rationale of the decision and this may have changed a lot of the reactions.

Tbh, it does sound they’ve been left out of the wedding due to spite on your part. Your dp can’t have much of a backbone if he’s accepting this. Sounds like they don’t like you, and you don’t like them. Wouldn’t it be a good start if you included them, and just sat down like adults and put the past to bed? These people are going to be in your life for a long time,so you don’t want to spend your life at war with them. Or do you?

And if I felt he was struggling because of a history of abuse, I would have supported him to deal with it properly, in advance and as an adult. Potentially even going so far as advocating for him. That's supporting your partner.

But his wedding was not the event to pick to decide to make a passive aggressive point to his mother about how terrible a parent she is, and then play the 'oh I didn't realise you'd be upset because it's only signing a piece oh paper' card. Because it's not just his wedding, it's hers too, and she should be more important than trying to get one over on his abusive mother.

Are we in the wrong?

Yes.

You've just set yourself up for a married lifetime of angst because not inviting his mum and sister when yours have been invited is, as someone else pointed out, quite a bold move.

You're not building bridges with it are you?

Oh my goodness. It's Mumsnet, so you're not going to hear many dads complaining about their MILs on here, but that's a trope for a reason. My Mil is much more in our lives and sees more of our children than my mum. Who is also great, but less availability/interest. I'm every relationship I know, the wife is in WhatsApp chats with the MIL and manages the family interactions/get together/birthday gift correspondence, but the husband would never contact the wife's parents. It's therefore not surprising if wife's parents are more involved, if she's the one accountable for the "involving" of both sides. If you want to make sure you're heavily involved, make sure your sons know how to share family arrangements and family life admin equally.

Who you invite to your wedding is a joint decision. So yes I do mean 'let him'. I would not have agreed to this for my wedding, not because I would have forced my husband to have his mother there, but because if he didn't want his mother there I would have forced him to deal with it properly, in advance and as an adult rather than a kid trying to pretend shd wouldn't be extremely upset. If my husband had insisted, and I thought that the resulting strife would cause me stress, I would take all the blame and I would be be left running around trying to find a solution (as has happened to the OP and was pretty much guaranteed to happen unless the OP actually felt able to say 'fuck her' and have it all wash over her (which is pretty damn hard hen you're the one the whole dysfunctional family is pointing the finger at)) the wedding would be off. Because I wouldn't marry a man who has such little regard for the impact of his decisions on me.

There is nothing infantalising about my position whatsoever. Saying 'you do you dear' and letting it happen is infantalising.

You could have invited your mum, his mum and his aunt. Your sister and his sisters could have attended too and waited outside if there was really no room, then all go to the restaurant together.

The only person I know who did this sort of wedding asked two friends to be witnesses and the parents from each side. I don't think you can ask your parents and not his.

When it comes down to most families I know including my own, paternal grandma is always put behind maternal grandma.

You only have to see on hear how many woman whinge about their MIL.

What is it with the fake crazy stories today? It's not even half term yet!

"not read all the posts" - but if you had you'd realise MIL had enabled the childhood abuse of DP and antagonised OP throughout the relationship and only has herself to blame for not being prioritised in the wedding ceremony.

Fucking hell, how can it be a surprise that the mother and sister of the groom would be upset or offended not to be invited?!? Awful and rude. Imagine you had a child and they didn’t invite you to their wedding. I find this just absolutely unbelievable.

So the op has been inconsistent in her account and the question she asked was whether she and her fiance were unreasonable. Which i have answered yes they were. She didn't ask whether she personally was being blamed unreasonably.

What do you mean, you'll only ever be a MIL? surely you'll be mum to your son's and MIL to their spouses (assuming they marry)? Just like their spouses mum will be both a MIL and a mum?

I pretty much disagree with almost everyone. If she wasn’t good to you, I don’t see any reason why you need to appease this woman. And no, just because your dm and sister are there it doesn’t mean you need to be fair and equal. If people treat you badly then that’s what they deserve.
leave your dp to deal with it. If they don’t like you then nothing you could do would ever change that, so leave them to stew.
its their choice not to come so that’s that. Don’t run and beg these people

Ok your Mum is invited but not his Mum, Christ how hurtful is that, can't you see that!